Cultivating Character and Connection Over Resume Virtues

Feeling stuck is often a symptom of chasing the wrong kind of success. In this conversation with David Brooks, we uncover a profound shift: the real path to fulfillment lies not in accumulating external achievements (resume virtues), but in cultivating inner character (eulogy virtues). The hidden consequence of our societal obsession with measurable success is a profound disconnect from what truly matters, leading to widespread unhappiness and a crisis of connection. This analysis is crucial for anyone feeling adrift, offering a framework to reorient their energy towards deeper meaning and lasting satisfaction, providing a significant advantage over those still chasing superficial metrics.

The Hidden Cost of Resume Virtues

Our modern world is saturated with metrics. We can track our steps, our income, our social media engagement, and our professional accomplishments with granular precision. This constant quantification, while seemingly efficient, has subtly redirected our focus from the internal landscape of character to the external scoreboard of achievement. David Brooks, in his conversation with Dr. Laurie Santos, eloquently distinguishes between "resume virtues"--those skills and accomplishments that make us good at our jobs--and "eulogy virtues"--the qualities of honesty, kindness, and courage that define us at our core. The insidious trap lies in our tendency to prioritize the measurable over the meaningful, a phenomenon Brooks highlights with a stark statistic: 80% of junior high students believe their parents care more about their homework than their kindness. This emphasis on resume virtues, driven by a fear of failure, creates a society of "achiever-trons" who are adept at climbing ladders but often find themselves emotionally stunted and relationally bankrupt.

"My view is anytime you find yourself quantifying a human being, you should stop and watch out, watch what you're doing. Because some things are quantifiable, and it's like, 'I want to know how strong you are. I can figure out how much you can lift.' But the things that really matter in life are the things like your determination, your social skills, your curiosity, your ability to be resilient in the face of failure, your ability to be kind, your ability to cast a just and loving attention on other human beings."

The downstream effect of this relentless pursuit of external validation is a profound disconnect from our inner selves and from each other. We are taught to optimize for individual success, often at the expense of genuine connection. This creates a feedback loop where a lack of deep relationships fuels a need for more external validation, perpetuating the cycle. The consequence is not just personal unhappiness, but a societal "crisis of connection," marked by rising rates of loneliness, meanness, and distrust. When we are not seen, heard, or understood, we become more prone to lashing out, further eroding the social fabric.

Character as an Everyday Practice, Not a Grand Transformation

The prevailing culture often frames self-improvement as a series of grand, transformative goals--a "new me" for the new year. However, Brooks argues that character development is not about massive overhauls but about quiet, consistent, everyday practice. This insight is crucial because it reframes the daunting task of becoming a better person into an accessible, ongoing process. The "materialistic drag" and "corrosion" that afflict our professions--whether it's the lure of money for doctors or the pursuit of clicks for journalists--can only be resisted through "tiny changes of actions." This is where the real work of forging character happens, much like learning a craft through small, repeated habits.

"Character is forged the way we learn crafts, by small habits."

The implication here is that waiting for a grand moment of inspiration or a dramatic life event to enact change is a recipe for perpetual stuckness. Instead, the path forward involves cultivating small, intentional practices. Brooks illustrates this with his own habit of reading spiritual books and surrounding himself with the "eyes of the admired"--portraits of people like Samuel Johnson--as a daily reminder to strive for better behavior. This isn't about achieving a perfect state, but about consistently orienting oneself towards one's values. The delayed payoff of this consistent effort is a robust inner compass that can navigate the temptations and pressures of daily life, creating a durable advantage over those who rely on fleeting external motivators.

Embracing Discomfort for Deeper Fulfillment

Our modern society’s aversion to discomfort is a significant barrier to both personal growth and genuine connection. Brooks uses the example of Haruki Murakami, who embraces the grueling challenge of marathon running despite hating the act itself. Murakami’s commitment stems from a belief that embracing challenge, even discomfort, leads to greater fulfillment and a better self. This resonates with Brooks's own experience of writing daily, a task he doesn't "like" but "wants" to do, recognizing the distinction between the "liking system" and the "wanting system" in our brains. The wanting system, though it may involve struggle, ultimately leads to the deeper, more sustainable sense of purpose that comes from pursuing what truly matters.

"And I have found in my life that if I pay attention to the wanting system, that's more reliable than the liking system, because it leads to the hard and sometimes challenging things that make you feel fulfilled."

This is where competitive advantage is truly forged. Most people opt for comfort, for the immediate gratification of the "liking system." By consciously choosing to engage with activities that are challenging, that push us beyond our comfort zones, we tap into a deeper reservoir of resilience and self-knowledge. This willingness to embrace difficulty, to pursue what we "want" even when we don't "like" it, cultivates a form of character that is resilient and enduring. This is precisely the kind of effort that others avoid, creating a significant gap for those who are willing to persevere. The "ruling passion of the soul," as described by Leon Kass, is not found in ease, but in the persistent pursuit of deeply held desires, even when that pursuit is arduous.

The Power of Attention and Humble Connection

In an era dominated by self-promotion and a relentless focus on individual achievement, the virtue of humility is increasingly rare, yet it is foundational to genuine connection. Brooks defines humility not as thinking lowly of oneself, but as "radical self-awareness from a position of other-centeredness"--the ability to step outside oneself and see things accurately. This is the bedrock upon which meaningful relationships are built. The "crisis of connection" we face is exacerbated by our tendency to view others through a self-centered lens, constantly assessing their utility to us. Instead, Brooks advocates for "just and loving attention," a deliberate act of seeing others with care and without judgment.

"Simone Weil, a French mystic, said, 'Attention is the ultimate act of generosity.' For her, attention really was the foundation of all morality."

This deliberate shift in attention is not merely a nicety; it is a powerful tool for rebuilding interdependence. When we offer our full attention to another, we make them feel seen, heard, and understood--an experience that is profoundly validating and identity-changing. The conventional wisdom that emphasizes self-interest and competition fails to recognize the deep human need for connection and the reciprocal benefits of vulnerability. Nick Epley's experiments, where strangers, when prompted to share deeply, find profound enjoyment, underscore this point. We consistently underestimate how much we and others crave genuine connection. By choosing to engage with others, to be vulnerable, and to offer our attention generously, we create positive feedback loops that counter the pervasive negativity bias. This requires a willingness to be open, to be seized by curiosity, and to move beyond the comfort of autonomy towards the richness of interdependence.

Key Action Items

• Shift Focus from Resume to Eulogy Virtues: Consciously identify and prioritize the development of character traits (honesty, courage, kindness) over purely professional achievements. This is a long-term investment in your well-being and legacy.
• Practice Character as Everyday Action: Instead of seeking grand transformations, commit to small, daily practices that reinforce your values. This involves immediate, consistent effort with payoffs over months and years.
• Embrace Discomfort for Growth: Actively seek out challenges that push you beyond your comfort zone, recognizing that enduring difficulty often leads to greater fulfillment. Immediate discomfort creates lasting advantage.
• Cultivate Radical Self-Awareness: Practice stepping outside yourself to see situations and people more objectively, fostering humility and reducing self-centeredness. This is an ongoing practice that deepens over time.
• Offer Generous Attention: Make a conscious effort to truly listen and be present with others, even in brief interactions. This is an immediate action that fosters connection and builds trust.
• Rebuild Interdependence: Actively seek opportunities for service and connection within your community and personal relationships, challenging the modern overemphasis on autonomy. This requires immediate engagement with long-term rewards.
• Question Your "Wanting System": Reflect on your deepest desires and passions, distinguishing them from fleeting preferences, and align your actions with these core motivations. This is a reflective practice with immediate implications for future choices.