Cultivating Curiosity to Navigate Difference and Repair Relationships

Key Quotes

"What are the lessons from her work that we can bring with us into the office obviously what we're dealing with in the office as well as at home and in most of the situations that we encounter so far we're dealing with other human beings and we need to interact with other human beings with their otherness with their difference from us so a lot of what we do in the world is figure out how to work through difference really in almost every aspect of our life every minute that we're interacting and even when we're not interacting with other people we interact with ourselves because we have different parts that are often in conflict so dealing with differences kind of the the basic of like human experience"

Dr. Guralnik argues that the fundamental aspect of human experience, whether in professional or personal settings, involves interacting with others and ourselves, acknowledging and navigating "otherness" and difference. She emphasizes that working through these differences is a core human activity, extending even to internal conflicts within oneself.

"one of the things that happens when we're faced with difference is we somehow our mind tends to go towards if we're different one of us is right one of us is wrong one of us is better which is most of the time flawed it's like a flawed premise so to kind of convince ourselves to move out of that state of mind and into a different state of mind which is a state of mind of curiosity where oh something different from me how interesting what is it what can i learn from it as opposed to like who tops who"

Dr. Guralnik explains that a common, yet flawed, reaction to difference is to assume a right/wrong or better/worse dichotomy. She advocates for shifting from this judgmental mindset to one of curiosity, viewing difference as an opportunity to learn rather than a competition to be won.

"if you create kind of a good system if you take good care of the field that is created between whoever's sitting at the table a lot can happen for individuals and in that sense i mean that sounded a bit abstract but in that sense one person can do a lot not everyone has to take care of the system equally one person can do a lot to create an environment where the rest can flourish"

Dr. Guralnik highlights that relationships and teams function as systems, and one individual can significantly impact the entire system's health. She suggests that by tending to the "field" created between people, one person can foster an environment where others can thrive, even if not everyone contributes equally to maintaining the system.

"the real muscle isn't building trust it's rebuilding trust true you know there's a saying in the attachment research that all relationships are a constant rupture and repair constant oh that's so powerful it's so powerful and it's exactly what we're experiencing because people often treat trust like a fabergé egg and once it's broken it can never be restored and we're like no you can actually restore it to even stronger than it was before and we guarantee you you're going to break it but i like constant state of rupture and repair yes and it's really liberating because i mean back to people beating themselves up people often feel a lot of stress about the fact that these relationships are in flux in this way right but it's the nature of the beast it's the nature of the beast"

Dr. Guralnik emphasizes that the crucial skill in relationships is not just building trust, but the ability to rebuild it after ruptures. She points out that relationships are characterized by a continuous cycle of "rupture and repair," and trust can be restored to be even stronger, which is a liberating perspective that alleviates self-blame.

"deep listening requires first of all quieting down your wish to speak so there's a difference between listening to fortify your own position versus listening to understand and it's you have to learn how to distinguish between those modes within yourself it's not always clear sometimes you think you're listening to listen but you're really just kind of building your own point or building your own argument and you have to really know when to quiet things down and sometimes you need to do that but it's important to know how to quiet yourself down and first of all tune into the other person and then tune in a way that you're trying to really get to the essence of what they're saying versus get caught on the details"

Dr. Guralnik defines deep listening as a practice that requires quieting one's own desire to speak and distinguishing between listening to understand versus listening to fortify one's own position. She advises tuning into the other person's core message rather than getting sidetracked by minor details.

"one is to i mean this is very corny but super powerful is to express gratitude to whoever you're working with about something real which again this is about building a field like building the field that creating a field where people can work well so when people feel recognized for what they're contributing it's always good i mean this is just anytime you're in doubt do that it'll make everything better immediately and the second thing is listen decide okay i'm going to listen to whoever it is just it's all about introducing kind of a certain kind of spirit of generosity and inclusiveness recognition creating a field in which you want to live"

Dr. Guralnik offers two powerful, albeit simple, actions to improve workplace relationships: expressing genuine gratitude for contributions and deciding to actively listen. She explains that these acts build a positive "field" of generosity and inclusiveness, making interactions better immediately and fostering an environment where people want to live and work.