Small Disconnections -- Not Betrayals -- Erode Relationships

The subtle erosion of connection, and why it’s the most critical battleground for lasting love.

In this conversation, elite divorce attorney James Sexton unpacks the often-unseen dynamics that lead to the dissolution of relationships, revealing that the demise of even the most successful partnerships is rarely a sudden event, but rather a slow, insidious process of disconnection. He argues that conventional wisdom, often gleaned from romanticized media, fails to equip individuals with the tools to navigate the inevitable complexities of long-term intimacy. The hidden consequence of this lack of preparation is that smart, successful people, despite their achievements in other fields, are often ill-equipped to maintain the vital connections that sustain love. This analysis is crucial for anyone who has ever wondered why even seemingly strong relationships falter, offering a framework for understanding the subtle, yet profound, impact of everyday interactions on the longevity of love. By highlighting the power of small, consistent efforts, readers gain a distinct advantage in building resilient, fulfilling partnerships, moving beyond the illusion of safety that marriage can sometimes provide.

The Slow Unraveling: Where "Happily Ever After" Meets The Everyday

The pursuit of love, a seemingly universal human endeavor, is paradoxically one of the areas where we often invest the least deliberate effort. James Sexton, whose career has been spent navigating the wreckage of countless relationships, offers a stark, yet hopeful, perspective: love doesn't typically end with a bang, but with a whimper, a series of small disconnections that, over time, become an unbridgeable chasm. This isn't a story of grand betrayals or sudden epiphanies, but of the quiet erosion that occurs when preventative maintenance is neglected.

Sexton observes that many individuals enter relationships with a dangerous misconception, a byproduct of idealized portrayals in media. This "education by porn," as he wryly puts it, leaves people unprepared for the reality of sustained intimacy. The expectation that love should be effortless, or that a marriage license magically secures a relationship, fosters a passive approach. We become like fish, he suggests, who are unaware of the water they inhabit. The mundane reality of daily life, with its demands and distractions, can lead to a gradual drifting apart, a phenomenon he likens to going bankrupt: slow, incremental losses that eventually lead to a catastrophic collapse.

"Marriage gives us this sense that, oh, no, I'm going to do this and then this is safe. It'll be safe. And it's an illusion. And I think it can be a harmful illusion because you think that this ring is going to replace preventative maintenance and staying connected."

The core of this disconnection, Sexton argues, lies in a failure to actively cultivate the relationship. We often treat our most intimate partnerships with less care than we do our material possessions. A car receives regular maintenance, but a marriage, the bedrock of our emotional lives, is often left to chance. This neglect isn't born of malice, but of a flawed belief that once a connection is established, it's secure. The reality is that love, like any living thing, requires consistent tending. The "preventative maintenance" he advocates for isn't about grand, sweeping gestures, but about the small, consistent acts of connection: a thoughtful text, a shared memory, a simple acknowledgment of presence.

The Scorecard and the Spiral: How Resentment Becomes the Default

One of the most insidious signs of disconnection, according to Sexton, is the insidious shift from a collaborative partnership to a competitive one, marked by the keeping of a "scorecard." This is where the seemingly innocuous phrase, "Why should I do X when they haven't done Y?" takes root. This tit-for-tat mentality, where every perceived transgression by one partner is met with a reciprocal withdrawal of effort by the other, creates a downward spiral. It transforms a shared life into a battleground, where the goal becomes not to nurture the relationship, but to prove the other person wrong.

This dynamic is fueled by a fundamental misunderstanding of human nature and relationships. The belief that a partner will either "change drastically" or "never change at all" creates a rigid framework that ignores the reality of human evolution. We are not static beings; we grow, adapt, and transform. To expect a partner to remain perpetually the same, or to believe they will magically evolve into our ideal, sets the stage for disappointment. The scorecard emerges as a coping mechanism, a way to justify one's own withdrawal of effort when the other person fails to meet unrealistic expectations or fails to reciprocate perceived efforts.

"The earliest sign of a relationship starting what I would call the downward spiral is you start to count like keeping a scorecard and then you start using the scorecard. So it becomes things like, well, why should I leave like, why should I leave him a note? He hasn't said a nice thing to me all week."

The antidote to this destructive pattern lies in consciously choosing a different path. Instead of reacting to perceived slights with further withdrawal, Sexton proposes a deliberate act of "changing the direction of the spiral." This involves initiating kindness, warmth, and connection, even when it feels unearned or unreciprocated. It's about recognizing that the relationship is a shared endeavor, not a zero-sum game. The initial spark of love, characterized by mutual admiration and a desire to present one's best self, can be rekindled by intentionally reintroducing these practices, transforming the dynamic from one of resentment to one of mutual care.

The Illusion of Perfection: Why "Soulmates" Can Be a Dangerous Myth

In our culture, the concept of the "soulmate" has become deeply ingrained, often perpetuated by romantic comedies that offer a stylized, idealized version of love. This narrative suggests that there is one perfect person out there who will complete us, fulfilling every need and desire. Sexton argues that this notion, while perhaps well-intentioned, places an unrealistic burden on partners and can be a significant contributor to relationship failure.

The expectation that a single partner should embody all roles -- best friend, lover, confidant, co-parent, and more -- creates a pressure cooker environment. No single individual can consistently meet every need, and the pursuit of this unattainable ideal often leads to disappointment and criticism. Sexton points out that even Leonardo DiCaprio's character in Titanic, a romantic icon, would likely have faced marital challenges had he survived. The idealized ending of a story doesn't reflect the long, complex reality of building a life together.

"Dude, really? Like, that's amazing. Like, you know, like, oh, you can cook. Can you farm? Well, those both have to do with food. Okay, right. But they're totally different skill sets. And by the way, do you have to be everything in one person?"

Instead of seeking a perfect, all-encompassing partner, Sexton advocates for a more nuanced understanding of love. He suggests that there are likely many people with whom we could build a successful and happy connection. The focus should shift from finding "the one" to cultivating a deep, evolving partnership. This involves acknowledging that both partners will have strengths and weaknesses, and that it's okay for a relationship to have areas of imperfection. The true measure of love, he implies, is not the absence of flaws, but the willingness to navigate them with grace, empathy, and a commitment to connection, rather than criticism. This requires a conscious effort to focus on the positive aspects of a partner and the relationship, rather than solely on perceived shortcomings.

Key Action Items

• Daily Ritual of Connection: Implement a brief, daily practice to acknowledge your partner. This could be a text, a short conversation, or a physical gesture. Immediate Action.
• Weekly Relationship Check-in: Dedicate 10-15 minutes each week to discuss what's working well in the relationship and areas for improvement, framing it as a collaborative effort to "be good at this job." Over the next quarter.
• Revisit Your "How We Met" Story: Regularly recount the story of how you met and fell in love, not just for yourselves, but with your partner. This can help reconnect with the initial optimism and affection. Ongoing, monthly.
• Practice "Positive Framing" for Needs: Instead of criticizing what's missing, praise what you appreciate and express what you miss. For example, instead of "We don't have sex enough," try "I love feeling connected to you, and I miss that closeness." Immediate Action.
• Identify and Mitigate "Scorecard" Triggers: Become aware of when you start keeping score of perceived slights. Consciously choose to initiate a positive action, even if it feels unreciprocated, to break the negative cycle. Over the next 3 months.
• Cultivate Self-Compassion: Recognize that you are not expected to be perfect. Practice speaking to yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a loved one. This internal shift can positively impact your external relationships. This pays off in 6-12 months.
• Strategic Environmental Design: Just as one would remove unhealthy food from their home to support a healthier diet, actively curate your relationship environment. Limit exposure to content or individuals that foster cynicism about love and connection. Immediate Action.