Cultivating "Big Trust" Through Action and Habitual Self-Management

The paradox of confidence is that we often wait for it to act, when in reality, action is what cultivates it. This conversation with Dr. Shadi Zahrai reveals that true confidence, or "big trust," isn't a prerequisite for taking on challenges; it's the byproduct of trusting ourselves to handle whatever arises, even in the face of self-doubt. The hidden consequence of waiting for confidence is stagnation, a missed opportunity to build self-efficacy and resilience. Anyone seeking to break free from the cycle of hesitation and self-criticism will find immense advantage in understanding that the path to greater confidence lies not in eliminating doubt, but in acting despite it. This episode offers a powerful framework for anyone feeling stuck, providing actionable strategies to build unshakable self-trust and, consequently, a more empowered life.

The Confidence Paradox: Action Precedes Feeling

The common misconception about confidence is that it’s a feeling that must precede action. We wait until we feel ready, until we know we can do it, before we raise our hand, take the risk, or embark on a new goal. Dr. Zahrai debunks this, explaining that decades of research and her own extensive studies reveal the opposite: confidence, or more accurately, self-efficacy--the belief in one's ability to succeed--emerges after we take action. The Latin root of "confidence," con fidere, meaning "with trust," highlights the true core: trusting ourselves to handle the outcome, learn from it, and adapt. This fundamental shift in understanding liberates us from the paralysis of waiting.

"The feeling that we've associated with confidence doesn't actually come before we take action. When we look at decades worth of research what my own research has found is that that feeling comes after you take the action."

-- Dr. Shadi Zahrai

The brain, wired for efficiency and safety, often magnifies potential risks to keep us in our comfort zone. This is the adaptive purpose of worry. However, by recognizing that thoughts are not facts and emotions are not immutable truths, we can begin to manage this internal critic. Dr. Zahrai introduces the "worry list" and "worry clock" as practical tools. By capturing worries and scheduling dedicated time to address them, we honor our concerns without letting them derail our present actions. This structured approach to worry helps shrink its power, allowing us to focus on actionable steps and identify what is within our control.

The Contagion of Belief: Navigating Social Influence

Our perception of ourselves and our capabilities is not formed in a vacuum. Dr. Zahrai delves into the powerful influence of social contagion and the Pygmalion and Golem effects. The Pygmalion effect illustrates how the genuine belief others have in us can subconsciously elevate our own expectations and performance. Conversely, the Golem effect shows how doubt and low expectations from those around us can lead us to underperform and shrink our own ambitions. This underscores the critical importance of our social circle, not just in terms of overt negativity, but in the subtle ways others’ mindsets shape our own beliefs.

"There's that quote where you are the average of the five people you spend the most time with. There's no scientific validation for the number five, but there are countless studies that demonstrate this effect is absolutely real."

-- Dr. Shadi Zahrai

This dynamic is particularly relevant when individuals are on a growth journey. The common remark, "You've changed," often stems from others’ discomfort with our evolution, which may highlight their own stagnation. Dr. Zahrai offers a powerful reframing: responding with "Thanks for noticing. Growth has been a priority for me," transforms a potentially undermining comment into an affirmation of progress and an invitation for others to consider their own growth. This approach reinforces "big trust" and avoids justification, empowering both the individual and potentially inspiring others.

The Four Pillars of Self-Perception: Building "Big Trust"

Dr. Zahrai’s research identifies four core drivers that shape our self-perception and, consequently, our "big trust": self-esteem, self-efficacy, locus of control, and emotional stability. These are not static personality traits but trainable capacities.

• Self-Acceptance (instead of Self-Esteem): This habit involves accepting oneself without the need for constant external validation. It shifts the focus from "Am I worthy?" to "I am worthy, and I can grow." This reduces the fear of failure and the pressure to perform for approval.
• Agency (instead of Self-Efficacy): This is the belief in one's ability to set goals and achieve them, coupled with the conviction that one can learn and adapt even when faced with challenges. It’s about recognizing existing skills and resources, and trusting the capacity to acquire new ones. A practical tool for this is a three-column exercise: listing perceived deficits, inventorying existing skills (including "essence qualities" like tenacity and curiosity), and mapping how those qualities can bridge the gap.
• Autonomy (instead of Locus of Control): This habit emphasizes taking ownership and focusing on what can be controlled. It challenges the victim mentality by reframing challenges not as insurmountable obstacles, but as opportunities to learn and adapt. Emotions are viewed not as definitive states, but as data points reflecting underlying values. For instance, anger might signal a violation of fairness, prompting action rather than passive resentment.
• Adaptability (instead of Emotional Stability): This involves the capacity to manage and reframe emotions, understanding them as signals rather than verdicts. Instead of being overwhelmed by anxiety, one can reframe it as excitement, or recognize that stress, at appropriate levels, can be enhancing. This also involves choosing empowering language, shifting from "I have to" to "I choose to," reinforcing agency and autonomy.

These four pillars, when developed, form the foundation of "big trust," enabling individuals to navigate life's challenges with resilience and conviction.

The Balcony Moment: Gaining Perspective Amidst Chaos

Life, as Dr. Zahrai illustrates with the analogy of holding too many cups, can become overwhelming. Cognitive load, emotional load, stimulation, and physical demands can overflow our capacity, leading to anxiety, overthinking, and a sense of being stuck. The "balcony moment" is a powerful strategy for gaining perspective. By metaphorically stepping back and observing the situation from a higher vantage point--like a balcony overlooking a dance floor--we can identify patterns, assess our capacity, and decide which "cups" to put down. This isn't about avoiding challenges, but about strategically managing our energy and focus.

"The message here that he was getting to is that we're all holding a bunch of mugs or cups in our lives and sometimes we feel like we have to hold them all all the time... You can put the cup down at any time and take a step back and ask yourself, just because I can hold all of these things, should I be holding all of these things?"

-- Dr. Shadi Zahrai

This practice of zooming out allows for more intentional decision-making, preventing the overflow that fuels self-doubt and anxiety. It’s about recognizing that sometimes the solution isn't to trust ourselves more, but to simply put down some of the weight we are carrying, freeing up mental and emotional space to act from a place of clarity and conviction.

Actionable Strategies for Building "Big Trust"

• Embrace Action Over Feeling: Prioritize taking action, even small steps, before waiting for the feeling of confidence. Recognize that confidence is a result, not a prerequisite. (Immediate)
• Implement the Worry List & Clock: Capture worries throughout the day and schedule a dedicated time to process them. Focus on what you can control from the list. (Immediate)
• Curate Your Social Circle: Be mindful of the "Pygmalion" and "Golem" effects. Surround yourself with people who believe in your potential and gently distance yourself from those who consistently sow doubt. (Ongoing)
• Practice the "Thanks for Noticing" Response: When told "You've changed," respond with gratitude and affirm that growth is a priority. (Immediate)
• Engage in the Three-Column Exercise: For perceived deficits, list your transferable skills and "essence qualities" to bridge the gap and build agency. (Immediate, then periodic review)
• Adopt "Balcony Moments": Regularly step back from the chaos of daily life to gain perspective, assess your capacity, and decide which "cups" (responsibilities/loads) can be temporarily set aside. (Daily/Weekly)
• Reframe Emotions and Stress: Use empowering language ("I choose to" instead of "I have to") and reframe anxiety as excitement or stress as enhancing. Understand emotions as signals of violated values. (Immediate, ongoing)
• Adopt Confident Physicality: Practice open posture, maintain appropriate eye contact, smile genuinely, use open palms, and walk with intention. (Immediate)
• Care Less, Care More: When facing criticism or overthinking, consciously shift your focus from external opinions ("care less") to your core values and impact ("care more about being of value"). (Immediate)