Parental Guidance Fosters Resilience By Adapting Children to the World

Deep Dive

The discussion begins with an overview of holiday gift shopping at Nordstrom Rack, highlighting savings on brands like Ugg, Nike, Rag & Bone, Vince, and Frame, with an additional 5% off for Nordstrom credit card users. The host, Max Lugavere, then introduces the episode's guest, Leland Vittert, an Emmy-nominated political journalist and author of the instant New York Times bestseller "Born Lucky." Vittert's book details his journey growing up with undiagnosed autism, not learning about it until age 25, and being raised by a father who adopted an unconventional approach: "no labels, no excuses, and no limits."

The conversation then shifts to what most people misunderstand about autism. Vittert explains that his book is fundamentally a parenting book and a love story, rather than solely an autism book. He shares the perspective that "if you know a kid with autism, you know one kid with autism," emphasizing the individuality of each case. Vittert's father's approach was to adapt him to the world, not the world to him, believing that disclosing a diagnosis could lead to limitations, excuses, and the use of autism as a crutch.

Vittert recounts his diagnosis, which began around age six. His parents were told he had severe behavioral problems, making him unable to participate in playdates or birthday parties, and he would slug other children who touched him. He also experienced significant sensory issues, leading to meltdowns over clothing or other stimuli, and learning disabilities with a 70-point spread between IQ test halves. His father, a successful entrepreneur, was told by the diagnosing professional that there wasn't much that could be done, but he insisted on doing "anything you can do," demonstrating a proactive stance.

The host and guest discuss the unconventional way Vittert was raised, with his father's philosophy of pushing him rather than coddling him. Vittert explains that his father's approach was not a prescription for turning an autistic child into a news anchor, but rather a demonstration of what engaged parenting can achieve by pushing children to be more. This included setting seemingly small goals, like doing 200 pushups a day, to earn self-esteem, even as a child facing numerous challenges.

Vittert shares an anecdote from fifth grade where his father inquired about his progress with the physical education teacher. The teacher indicated Vittert was doing better but had to be placed with the girls for PE, leading to Vittert's eventual departure from that school. Throughout these struggles, Vittert's father consistently reinforced two key messages: finding things Vittert could have self-esteem about (like physical fitness and flying) and that what made him bullied and isolated would later contribute to his success. Lugavere agrees, noting that many labeled "nerds" in high school have become highly successful.

The discussion turns to advice for parents of children with neurodevelopmental challenges. Vittert emphasizes that parents can make an enormous difference, regardless of the specific issue their child faces. He shares two recent stories: one about a father who taught his profoundly autistic, non-verbal son to swim, transforming his life and reducing behavioral issues; and another about a mother who, against expert advice, desensitized her son to a severe nut allergy, allowing him to become a varsity athlete. These stories illustrate the impact of parents pushing their children to be more, rather than shielding them from adversity.

The concept of "hormesis," or beneficial stress, is introduced by Lugavere. Vittert relates this to his father's methods, suggesting that the daily challenges his father imposed were a form of hormesis that compelled him to adapt and improve.

The conversation then addresses how Vittert's father taught him social skills. Vittert explains that he had "objectively all the wrong instincts socially and emotionally," often interrupting or badgering people with questions. His father would subtly signal him to stop interrupting and then, later, would role-play conversations, teaching him how to ask follow-up questions and engage appropriately. Lugavere likens this to reviewing game film for an athlete, and wonders if these skills should be taught in schools. Vittert reiterates his father's core principle of pushing children to be more, rather than simply accepting their current state, to prepare them for interaction in normal life.

Vittert reflects on being labeled "weird" as a child, questioning if it was a superpower. While acknowledging the benefits of learning to do difficult things and becoming better at them, he states that if given the choice, he would not want his child to be autistic. He also shares an experience where, at 42, he reverted to hyper-task focus while packing his golf bag, being unable to break through his zone to acknowledge someone speaking to him, and later texting an apology. His father's principle of never using autism as an excuse was crucial here, preventing him from using it as a reason for his rudeness.

The podcast touches upon the current discourse surrounding autism, including discussions about potential causes like Tylenol or vaccines, and the political polarization around these topics. Vittert expresses gratitude that the conversation is happening, noting the dramatic increase in autism diagnoses from one in 1500 to one in 31 children. He argues that finding the cause should be a scientific priority, questioning why anyone would oppose efforts to prevent children from experiencing the difficulties associated with autism. He criticizes those who prioritize political points over helping children.

Vittert also discusses the idea that searching for answers about autism's causes does not diminish those affected by it, drawing a parallel to cochlear implants for the deaf or artificial limbs for amputees. He believes parents can simultaneously support those currently affected and work to prevent future generations from being diagnosed. He contrasts this with the "health at any size" movement, which he suggests was silenced by the reality of the health risks associated with being overweight and the availability of GLP-1 drugs.

The conversation delves into the rising rates of autism, with Vittert suggesting that broader diagnostic criteria alone do not explain the increase. He points to variations in rates across states and communities, and higher rates in poor and minority communities, as factors that surveillance or broader criteria don't fully account for. He believes there is "some other thing going on" that is not yet known.

Vittert shares his father's four guiding principles, which he wrote down when Vittert was diagnosed. The first principle is to "have no expectations about the future," which Vittert acknowledges his father adhered to regarding his potential achievements but maintained strong expectations about his character and work ethic. Vittert mentions that, as a political journalist, he found that outworking others was a path to success, as traditional academic or writing paths were not as accessible to him.

The second principle is to "under no circumstances let your child feel that they have ever disappointed you, ever." Vittert explains that the only time he disappointed his father was when he was untruthful. His father kept a note he made Vittert write a thousand times: "I will always tell the truth." This principle stems from his father's own father's advice.

The third principle is that