Six Paths to Starting Over: Connection, Values, Mortality, Simplicity, Joy, Grief - Episode Hero Image

Six Paths to Starting Over: Connection, Values, Mortality, Simplicity, Joy, Grief

Begin Again with Davina McCall · · Listen to Original Episode →
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TL;DR

  • Reframing midlife dating as a chance for deeper connection, rather than compromise, expands the dating pool and offers opportunities for stronger relationships than previously experienced.
  • Identifying and living by core sexual values, such as empathy and honesty, empowers individuals to have more authentic and fulfilling sexual experiences, overcoming people-pleasing tendencies.
  • Embracing mortality through practices like the "five question morning maximizer" or "25 summers question" sharpens focus on what truly matters, preventing wasted time on trivial pursuits.
  • Letting go of possessions, as exemplified by giving away nearly everything owned, can lead to profound feelings of freedom and agility, revealing that true needs are often minimal.
  • Finding a "pocketful of happiness" daily, even amidst profound loss, involves actively seeking small joys and maintaining connections through ongoing conversations and memories.
  • Grief, while never disappearing, can be integrated by finding a quiet internal space for it, allowing love and loss to coexist and enabling one to re-enter their own life.

Deep Dive

The podcast episode "Your Ultimate Guide To Starting Over!" celebrates one year of "Begin Again" by curating six impactful pieces of advice from past guests. Davina McCall opens by expressing her goal for listeners to have the opportunity to live a life they love and feel proud of, emphasizing that everyone can find this ability. She thanks the audience for their support and shares that the episode will feature unforgettable advice from the past year, covering themes of grief, love, dating, careers, and midlife.

The discussion then shifts to Paul C. Brunson's insights on dating and intimacy in midlife. Brunson reframes midlife dating not as a compromise but as a chance for deeper connection, noting that the traditional age gap dating expectations are slowly fading. He highlights that there are more people in the 50-plus dating market seeking partners than ever before. Brunson references research by Eli Finkel indicating that 80% of marriages today lack satisfaction, contrasting this with the 20% who feel satisfied or more so, suggesting that those who leave unsatisfying relationships are often happier. He also discusses the importance of understanding that men and women have different "warm-up" times for intimacy and advises stepping outside the conventional script of heterosexual sex to avoid the "orgasm gap." Foreplay, he suggests, begins the moment sex has ended, emphasizing open communication and shared activities as integral to intimacy.

Next, Cindy Gallop shares her perspective on unlocking sexual confidence. She explains that identifying core values is crucial not only for sex but for all areas of life, enabling individuals to respond authentically to challenges and live without concern for others' opinions. Gallop advocates for establishing "good sexual values" such as empathy, sensitivity, generosity, kindness, honesty, trust, and respect, arguing these are as vital in the bedroom as in other life domains, yet are rarely taught. She addresses the issue of people pleasing, which she states occurs in bed, leading many to have unsatisfactory sex because they haven't explored their own sexual desires. Gallop also touches upon the ease of finding partners for specific interests, such as kink or BDSM, through dedicated websites, and encourages open communication about sexual preferences, comparing it to trying new foods or vacationing in different places.

Moving to a different topic, Robin Sharma offers advice on the mindset required to truly change one's life. Sharma posits that individuals are born with genius and often become ordinary due to societal conditioning. He suggests that the realization of life's shortness, particularly around midlife, prompts a desire to "begin again." He introduces the acronym KDC, meaning "Keep Death Close," and a morning protocol called the "Five Question Morning Maximizer." These questions are: what am I grateful for, where am I winning, what must I let go of, what does my ideal day ahead look like, and what needs to be said at the end. Sharma argues that connecting with mortality sharpens focus on what is truly important, leading to a more instinct-driven and fulfilling life, rather than being caught up in trivial pursuits. He uses the example of considering one's deathbed reflections when making decisions, such as choosing between a job opportunity and spending time with a loved one.

The source briefly mentions an Adobe ad featuring Ollie, who suggests that inspiration for social media ideas can be found by getting outside and observing nature, people, and sounds, illustrating this with a TikTok idea.

Following this, Gail McNeill shares her radical story of finding happiness by giving up everything she owned. She describes a moment of realization in her large house, questioning the purpose of maintaining such a space for just two people. Inspired by a scene from the film "Up in the Air," where belongings are visualized in a backpack, she decided to divest herself of possessions. McNeill explains that owning things necessitates care, protection, and insurance, and that letting go of these burdens brings agility and freedom. She recounts the process of decluttering, ultimately reducing her life's possessions to ten boxes, and describes the immense feeling of liberation with each item that left the house. She contrasts the desire for material success with the actual need for happiness, asserting that one does not require a lot to be content.

Next, Andi Oliver discusses navigating grief with grace after losing her brother, Sean. She shares that his gravestone inscription, "He who burns twice as bright burns half as long," reflects his impactful life. Oliver expresses gratitude for having her brother, emphasizing that life is about what one does with the time given, citing Sean's funeral attendance as a testament to his impact. She recounts an encounter with actress Margie Clark, who lost her brother 23 years prior, and offered the profound advice that grief "will never go away, but you'll find somewhere to keep it." Oliver describes this as a gift that allowed her to find a quiet internal space for her pain. She reflects on the synchronicity of anniversaries and the enduring presence of loved ones as "stardust" who live within us and around us, finding spiritual connection in intangible things like books and music to navigate loss and remain grounded.

Lastly, Richard E. Grant shares his experience of rediscovering joy after the unimaginable loss of his wife, Joan. He describes a "grand canyon" of absence and a bottomless hole left by her passing. Grant continues to write emails to Joan nightly, not expecting a response but to maintain a connection and imagine her reactions. He clarifies that he does not believe in an afterlife or reunion, finding comfort instead in the completion of her life and the reality of the present moment. Grant also discusses his inability to bury Joan's ashes as she wished, keeping them in their box as the last physical remnant of her, despite understanding the illogical nature of this emotional attachment. Davina McCall asks him about finding a "pocketful of happiness," to which he replies he has already found it in their conversation.

Davina McCall concludes by reflecting on the past year of "Begin Again," expressing gratitude for the personal journey the podcast has facilitated, stating it has at times kept her sane and "saved" her. She reiterates her belief in second chances and thanks the team and guests. She encourages listeners to like, subscribe, and share the podcast.

Action Items

  • Define personal sexual values: Identify and articulate 3-5 core values (e.g., empathy, honesty, respect) to guide sexual interactions and ensure authenticity.
  • Implement daily gratitude practice: Dedicate 5 minutes each morning to journaling 3-5 things you are grateful for to counter negativity bias.
  • Conduct weekly self-reflection: Spend 10 minutes each week journaling about one micro-win and one thing to let go of to foster personal growth.
  • Create a "deathbed reflection" exercise: Ask yourself daily "What needs to be said at the end?" to prioritize meaningful actions over trivial pursuits.
  • Assess possessions against a "backpack" metaphor: For 3-5 key possessions, visualize their weight in a backpack to identify items that can be decluttered for greater freedom.

Related Episodes

Key Quotes

"You said something earlier about guys looking for somebody half their age plus seven and women looking for somebody older how are we ever going to meet each other in our 50s if that's the case our 40s 40s 50s in midlife well one is that's the old slowly going away has it gone away no but that's that's one that's one secondly is on an upside is there are more people in the 50 plus dating market looking for partners than ever before ever before so on i mean half of me is quite sad about that but half of me is quite happy because for the 50 and 40 year olds like well done yes yes yes and and and the reason why i feel so happy i'm more happy okay because all right i'm gonna connect it to research is eli finkel out of new york has done some research around the satisfaction rate in relationships in in marriages he found that 80 of marriages today are not they don't feel satisfied with their partner 80 80 oh my god 80 that's sad 80 whereas 20 feel as satisfied or more satisfied than than than than ever so what does that mean and how do i relate that to being happy with the 50 plus market so to me that means okay the 20 this is great and they're probably so happy because they've so many tools today so many great podcasts etcetera to listen to this is good the 80 are not satisfied but they're staying in the relationship anyway so when i see people break away from that relationship typically i'm happy what i'm really sad about are those that stay you know it's one thing to be alone but it's another thing to be in a relationship and still feel alone that is just incredibly sad so if you are 50 plus single sexy out here i'm like okay yes you go get yours now you go get yours and the beauty is you could get yours any way you want it you don't have to get married you can have a committed relationship you can choose to have a polyamorous relationship you could choose to have whatever form formation you want but you now have the availability to do it and because there are more 50 plus than ever before the pool is larger and there's more tools now to connect so from that standpoint i'm i'm i'm i'm optimistic about that the other thing is when you look at the ages of in which people are getting married you still have the i think mid 30s is the number one age range for marriage but number two is right around 50 so you have a lot of people who are have re entered the dating market for whatever reason empty nest etcetera and they're deciding and they're finding partners and they're finding partners and they're entering relationships that are much stronger than any relationship they've ever had"

Paul C. Brunson argues that societal dating norms are shifting, leading to a larger pool of available partners in the 50+ demographic. He highlights research indicating a high dissatisfaction rate in current marriages, suggesting that those who leave unhappy relationships are often making a positive choice. Brunson expresses optimism about the increased availability of tools and diverse relationship structures for individuals in midlife seeking connection.

"What i'm talking about is identifying your core values and okay so in life not not just around sex no no no no no okay in life yeah but but i'll come on to how that applies to sex you know um because when you do that i mean first of all that makes life so much easier life still throws you all the shit it always will but you know exactly how to respond to that shit in any given situation in a way that is true to you yes and that really is the secret of happiness living your life working your work in a way that is always true to your values and when you do that when you know you're being true to yourself you do not care what anyone else thinks that gives you confidence because you know you're always being true to you"

Cindy Gallop explains that identifying core values is fundamental to living a life that is true to oneself, not just in relationships but in all aspects of life. She asserts that aligning actions with these values leads to genuine happiness and unwavering confidence, as one is no longer concerned with external opinions. Gallop emphasizes that this self-truth is the key to navigating life's challenges with integrity.

"We're born into genius and too many good souls get resigned into ordinary when we're little when we're little kids we we don't hate when we're little kids we have a sparkle in our eye when we're little kids we we love doing our art when we're little kids we are possibilitarians and why then we do get it knocked out of us we we are taught to think like everyone else i mean we don't celebrate the the free thinkers but i think free thinking in this world we live in is how to collect versus you know group think but why do we get to 40 50 or 60 and then start waking up again i believe it's because we start to connect with our mortality right when we're 20 years old we have a huge runway we're never going to die is what we think when we reach the halftime point of our life and when we start thinking about beginning again we realize the shortness of life and one of my favorite acronyms is kdc keep death close kdc keep death close"

Robin Sharma posits that individuals are born with innate genius and a natural inclination towards possibility, which is often diminished by societal conditioning and a focus on conformity. He suggests that the realization of mortality, particularly around midlife, serves as a catalyst for reawakening this inherent potential. Sharma advocates for the practice of "Keep Death Close" (KDC) as a means to appreciate the brevity of life and live more intentionally.

"Imagine everything you're earning in a backpack and now put your belongings in there put your family in there put and imagine how heavy that is i didn't i don't remember watching the rest of the program because the best of the film because i was so stuck on that thought of holding everything i owned in a backpack and i suddenly thought oh wouldn't it be amazing to get rid of everything i own wouldn't that be amazing but i don't i don't understand girl like because i'm it's pre you i'm you're still you're still in the beast i'm still in the beast i'm still feeding the beast and i don't understand how this is huge oh it's massive it's a massive and i don't understand how that happened it these are huge changes that you're thinking about yeah but it can be just i'm i'm quite spontaneous and it was just that it was just him saying that line imagine everything you owned in a backpack and i thought imagine if you could for everything you owned in a backpack how amazing how agile would you be you wouldn't be burdened because everything you own you have to take care of it you

Resources

External Resources

Books

  • "Up in the Air" - Mentioned as the source of a quote that inspired Gail McNeill to consider decluttering.

Articles & Papers

  • "The 5 Question Morning Maximizer" - A journaling protocol shared by Robin Sharma.

People

  • Paul C. Brunson - Discussed for insights on dating and intimacy in midlife.
  • Cindy Gallop - Featured for her perspective on sexual confidence and values.
  • Robin Sharma - Referenced for his teachings on mindset and starting the day.
  • Gail McNeill - Shared her experience of giving away possessions to find meaning.
  • Andi Oliver - Spoke about navigating grief with grace.
  • Richard E. Grant - Discussed his approach to finding joy after loss.
  • Eli Finkel - Mentioned for research on relationship satisfaction rates.
  • Michael - Davina's partner, mentioned in relation to life choices.
  • Sean - Andi Oliver's brother, discussed in the context of grief and impact.
  • Margie Clark - An actress who shared advice on grief.
  • Viv Goldman - Mentioned as accompanying Andi Oliver when meeting Margie Clark.
  • George Clooney - Mentioned in relation to the film "Up in the Air."

Organizations & Institutions

  • Meet Love Not Porn - Referenced as a platform pioneering the concept of good sexual values.

Websites & Online Resources

  • Fetlife - Mentioned as a website for exploring kink and BDSM.
  • Field - Mentioned as a website for exploring kink and BDSM.
  • Adobe Express - Mentioned for providing inspiration for social media ideas.
  • Adobe - Sponsor of the podcast, mentioned in relation to social media inspiration.
  • Ancient + Brave - Sponsor of the podcast, mentioned for collagen products and sustainability.
  • Jack Daniel Distillery - Sponsor of the podcast.
  • The Honey Baked Ham Company - Sponsor of the podcast.
  • Meyer - Sponsor of the podcast.
  • Mint Mobile - Sponsor of the podcast, offering discounted unlimited wireless plans.
  • Venmo - Mentioned for its cash back program.
  • Nordstrom Rack - Mentioned for holiday gift savings.

Other Resources

  • KDC (Keep Death Close) - An acronym shared by Robin Sharma as a mental tool.
  • 25 Summers Question - A mental tool used by Robin Sharma when making decisions.
  • Star Dust - A concept used by Andi Oliver to describe lost loved ones.
  • Pocketful of Happiness - A concept Richard E. Grant uses to honor his late wife.

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