Non-Negotiable Recovery, Trigger Plans, and Healing Shame

Deep Dive

In this episode of "Sounds True: Insights at the Edge," Tami Simon speaks with Steven Washington, author of "Recovering You: Soul Care and Mindful Movement for Overcoming Addiction." Washington, a former Broadway dancer and now a Qigong and Pilates teacher, discusses his journey through addiction and recovery. He shares that his path to recovery began 23 years ago when he admitted he had a problem with drugs and alcohol and his life had become unmanageable. Washington describes his early substance use as initially fun, then fun with problems, and ultimately just problems, stemming from feeling uncomfortable in his own body and seeking escape. A pivotal moment came when he met someone in recovery who appeared happy, joyous, and free, inspiring him to consider change. He emphasizes that his commitment to recovery is "non-negotiable," meaning he does not place conditions on staying sober, regardless of life's challenges, such as the death of loved ones.

The discussion then shifts to Washington's career path. After leaving his dance career on Broadway, he began teaching Pilates in New York City and felt a desire to help his clients more deeply. This led him to study Chinese medicine, relocating to California for a program. However, he discovered it wasn't the right fit, which taught him a powerful lesson about the ability to change one's mind. He then moved into massage therapy and, through his Chinese medicine studies, was introduced to Qigong. He found Qigong to be a medicine that helped him gain perspective during a highly stressful period of his life, enabling him to grow and learn how to help others.

Washington elaborates on the meaning of "my recovery is non-negotiable." He explains that this commitment means there are no conditions under which he would return to using substances, even during immense grief or stress. He has learned from experience that using substances during difficult times does not alleviate the pain but adds the burden of active addiction. He contrasts this with his past behavior, where he might have used challenging events as an excuse to relapse.

The conversation turns to the importance of having a trigger plan, as discussed in Washington's book. He stresses that everyone has triggers--people, places, and things--that can cause discomfort and a desire to regulate one's nervous system. He advises proactive planning rather than waiting for a crisis, suggesting individuals identify habitual triggers and develop strategies to navigate them, such as limiting contact with certain people or having a plan for events where alcohol will be served. He also mentions needing to avoid specific streets and music in early recovery due to triggering memories.

Washington then recounts the experience of leaving the Chinese medicine program, which he initially felt like a failure for, especially after not graduating from college. This experience, however, taught him the profound lesson of asking for help, something that did not come naturally due to his upbringing. He learned to ask for assistance with studying and to share his struggles with others, including thoughts of relapse. He likens the process of learning to peeling back layers of an onion, with each lesson offering deeper understanding and competency.

He offers advice to those who find asking for help difficult, suggesting they practice connecting with people when stakes are small. He emphasizes nurturing relationships and finding a handful of people who make you feel seen and supported for who you are. Washington also notes that the willingness to help others can foster a reciprocal flow of support, making it easier to ask for help when needed.

The topic of shame arises, with Washington stating in his book that shame is the "linchpin of addiction." He describes shame as the feeling of being inherently flawed or unworthy, which can disincentivize self-care and fuel addictive tendencies. He shares that he inherited and adopted shame, including an experience at age 10 where his stepmother's negative reaction to him cutting the sleeves off a shirt led him to internalize shame related to perceived "homosexuality." He explains that this underlying shame made it easier to check out through substance use. He believes that fear and shame are intertwined threads that, when pulled, can lead to healing.

For individuals struggling with shame, Washington suggests acknowledging it, identifying triggers, and sharing it with a trusted person, such as a therapist or sponsor, who prioritizes their well-being. He also emphasizes connecting with the body through practices like breathwork, meditation, and Qigong to move emotional energy and become aware of what is held within. He encourages slowing down, getting still, moving the body, and connecting with nature to avoid distraction and engage with deeper parts of oneself.

Washington clarifies his statement about inherited shame by sharing the example of his stepmother's reaction to his shirt, which instilled a sense of shame he carried for years. He notes that shame is contagious and can lead to feelings of low self-worth and being "less than." He also touches upon body shame, suggesting that change is possible if desired, but emphasizing that individuals do not have to change aspects of themselves they dislike. He shares his personal journey with nail-biting, a habit he has struggled with for years, and how he learned to accept it, choosing to love himself now rather than waiting for the habit to disappear. He guides people to change their relationship with things they don't love, focusing on shifting perceptions and perspectives.

He then discusses the connection between sensitivity and addiction, observing that many people who struggle with addiction are also highly sensitive individuals. He explains that he used substances to feel more comfortable in his body and the world, to be more social, and to connect with people. Practices like Qigong, breathwork, and meditation, he suggests, help sensitive individuals tune into their inner world, nurture their sensitivity, and regulate their nervous system, transforming it into a superpower rather than a burden. He now believes his sensitivity, along with his intuition, allows him to connect with others and himself more deeply.

Washington shares his journey to trusting a higher power. Raised Southern Baptist, he felt he didn't fit and experienced shame about his intuitive knowing. He learned that his higher power could be defined by him, describing it as a loving, caring energy that wants his growth. He learned this by observing others and developed a more casual, conversational relationship with his higher power, moving beyond rote prayers. He also became a certified meditation teacher, finding value in stillness and listening, and learned that meditation can be as simple as being quiet while waiting for water to boil.

When faced with difficult circumstances, such as his divorce, Washington explains that he does not question his higher power or believe it is meant to make life comfortable. Instead, he sees his higher power as providing the tools to navigate challenges and utilize them for growth. He shares that he actively searches for the benefit and growth within difficult experiences, believing that even painful events are happening "for" him. He emphasizes that his recovery and journey have equipped him with tools and support to navigate tough times and become a better version of himself. He shares his experiences online to let others know they are not alone.

Regarding the notion that faith should deliver a challenge-free life, Washington stresses the importance of acceptance. He acknowledges that he did not like getting divorced but understood and accepted it, recognizing that positive outcomes could emerge. He advises gentleness and self-care for those struggling with this idea, suggesting that sometimes individuals must experience more difficulty before they can have an