Shame's Isolation and the Antidote of Vulnerability
TL;DR
- Shame's insidious nature isolates individuals by fostering a belief in personal flaw and unworthiness, preventing connection and self-acceptance.
- Self-compassion, characterized by treating oneself with the kindness extended to loved ones, is crucial for navigating mistakes and mitigating shame.
- The prevalence of "cancel culture" and public shaming stems from an societal inability to engage in the rigorous, vulnerable work of personal accountability.
- Mistakes, particularly when followed by learning and adaptation, are essential for growth, whereas success offers limited opportunities for profound development.
- Vulnerability, though uncomfortable, is the gateway to genuine connection and beauty, contrasting with the ineffectiveness of striving for unattainable perfection.
- Toxic shame, which persists without apparent cause, is more debilitating than guilt, which serves as a cognitive signal for behavioral alignment with values.
- Openly discussing shame dissipates its power by revealing its universality, thereby countering its tendency to thrive in secrecy and isolation.
Deep Dive
The podcast "Happy Place" episode titled "Shame keeps you silent!" discusses the pervasive nature of shame and its impact on self-worth, exploring how to confront it through honesty and vulnerability. The host, Fearne Cotton, introduces shame as the feeling of "I am bad," contrasting it with guilt, which is the feeling of "I did something bad." She shares her personal experience with shame, including an eating disorder and other life moments, noting that shame breeds in silence and can define entire lifetimes, creating a deeply lonely feeling. Fearne emphasizes that shame can be insidious, sneaky, and powerful, capable of holding sway for years, and that letting go of it feels good. She highlights a crucial realization for those recovering from shame: that the shame may not have been theirs in the first place.
The discussion then moves to Brené Brown, a shame researcher with decades of experience. Brown explains that the antidote to shame is empathy, but also suggests that self-compassion is essential, giving oneself permission to be human and to make mistakes. She contrasts how she speaks to her children when they err with how she speaks to herself, noting a significant difference in kindness. Brown also addresses cancel culture, suggesting that the prevalence of shaming and vitriol stems from an inability or unwillingness to engage in the rigorous, vulnerable work of holding people accountable. She posits that instead of directly addressing harmful behavior, people resort to "blasting" others, leading to an absence of learning.
Next, the episode features Dawn French, who discusses embracing being "a bit of a twat sometimes" as a way to combat shame. Charlie Mackesy's thoughts are also presented, focusing on how shame hinders vulnerability and genuine connection with others. The podcast then delves into three personal stories of shame. Ben West shares the profound shame he felt after his brother's suicide, believing he was responsible due to a heated argument they had before his death, which led to him fearing arrest. He recounts how a counselor's reassurance that it was not his fault was a turning point, allowing him to reframe his shame and advocate for mental health education.
Lulu reflects on the shame associated with her difficult childhood, including violence and alcoholism, which she was trained from a young age to keep within the family. She explains that at 76, and having outlived her parents, she felt compelled to write her memoir to create a legacy for her grandchildren, a process that required significant therapeutic work to confront the emotions she had suppressed. Lulu notes that telling her story is a way of giving back and that talking about shame dissipates it by revealing that others share similar experiences. She also discusses how her stage persona, "Lulu," was developed, involving changes to her name, accent, and performance style, leading her to feel like she was playing a character for much of her life.
Jamie Laing shares his experience with an eating disorder, which he had kept secret for years. He explains that the shame associated with it made it difficult to even say the word "bulimia" aloud, even to a therapist. Laing discusses how the loss of sport due to a knee injury led him to seek comfort in eating, and how a picture taken on holiday revealed a "stocky" appearance, triggering shame and a subsequent focus on dieting. He details how this evolved into an eating disorder, particularly during his time on "Made in Chelsea," where he felt a lack of control and a need to manage his appearance due to social media commentary. Laing highlights the societal expectation for men to maintain a specific physique and the shame that prevents them from discussing these issues openly, contrasting it with the more prevalent discussions around body positivity among women. He emphasizes the importance of talking about these experiences, especially for men, to offer hope and coping mechanisms to others.
The episode concludes by reiterating that shame thrives in silence and encourages listeners to share their "messy bits" on the "Happy Place" Instagram community. It provides links to the full interviews discussed, thanking the guests for their honesty about the more difficult aspects of their lives.
Action Items
- Create self-compassion framework: Define 3-5 practices for internal dialogue mirroring how one speaks to loved ones (ref: Brené Brown).
- Audit personal shame triggers: Identify 3-5 recurring situations where shame arises and document the initial thought process.
- Draft vulnerability statement: Outline 2-3 core truths to share with trusted individuals to practice open communication.
- Analyze personal accountability: For 3-5 past mistakes, differentiate between self-imposed shame and actual behavioral accountability.
- Measure impact of vulnerability: Track 5-10 instances of sharing a difficult truth and note the emotional and relational outcomes.
Related Episodes
Healing Complex Shame Requires Deconstructing Self-Blame Before Vulnerability
Complex shame, rooted in layered experiences, prevents healing through vulnerability by reinforcing unworthiness. It requires deconstructing self-blame before openness and physical practices for lasting freedom.
View Episode Notes →
Non-Negotiable Recovery, Trigger Plans, and Healing Shame
Transform sensitivity into a superpower and shame into a catalyst for healing. Discover proactive strategies to navigate triggers and build a non-negotiable commitment to recovery.
View Episode Notes →
Midlife Happiness: Cultivating Connection, Time Affluence, and Self-Compassion
Midlife happiness hinges on social connection and "time affluence," not wealth. Cultivate well-being by intentionally scheduling free time and prioritizing relationships.
View Episode Notes →
Kate Winslet's Directorial Debut Explores Grief, Aging, and Industry Double Standards
Kate Winslet directs "Goodbye June," confronting Hollywood's gender double standards and advocating for natural aging while navigating personal grief and fostering supportive creative spaces.
View Episode Notes →
Channelling Addictive Natures Through Extreme Challenges for Growth
Transform destructive impulses into purpose by channeling addictive natures into extreme challenges, overcoming shame, and prioritizing trusted opinions for authentic self-acceptance.
View Episode Notes →
Proactive Self-Care and Boundary Setting for Family Gatherings
Master family gatherings by setting boundaries and controlling your reactions, not others. Discover how "rock bottom" is a choice and shame dissolves in the light of connection.
View Episode Notes →Key Quotes
"Guilt is I did something bad and shame is I am bad. This is other weird shame that hangs in you just because you exist and I absolutely believe people lead entire lifetimes defined by it."
The speaker, Fearne Cotton, distinguishes between guilt and shame, defining shame as an intrinsic feeling of being "bad" rather than having done something wrong. She emphasizes that this feeling can be so pervasive that it dictates the course of a person's entire life.
"I think the good news is I think what you need is probably self compassion. Yeah, I think you need to give yourself permission to be human to be both kind and cruel to be you know, to get it right and to really fuck it up sometimes to be connected to be lonely just you have to I think it's self compassion."
Brené Brown suggests that self-compassion is the key to overcoming shame. She explains that this involves allowing oneself to be imperfect, to experience both positive and negative aspects of being human, and to acknowledge that mistakes are a natural part of life.
"I think we're so shit at holding people accountable that we turn to canceling and shaming and vitriol and name calling because we either don't know how or we're not willing to do the really rigorous vulnerable work of holding people accountable."
Brené Brown posits that the prevalence of "cancel culture" stems from an inability or unwillingness to engage in the difficult, vulnerable work of genuine accountability. She argues that instead of directly addressing harmful behaviors, people resort to public shaming and condemnation.
"I think we can remember every time we've been shamed in our lives more than probably many other memories and I was thinking yeah, I was thinking about it reading your book I remember this really harmless moment but being probably five or six at school and drawing a picture of a house as I'd been told to do and my dad who was a sign writer used to kind of sketch and use this real sort of wishy washy way of using his pencils so I thought well I'm just going to copy my dad he's a professional and I got so told off and ashamed in front of the class for not coloring it in completely and neatly and that's something that happened when I was five."
The speaker recounts a childhood memory of being shamed in front of classmates for her drawing style, highlighting how deeply such moments can be ingrained. This illustrates how early experiences of shame can have a lasting impact, even from seemingly minor incidents.
"I think the moment you start talking about it is the moment people engage with it and think oh I'm not alone then. Yeah, and I think it's the feeling of it's just you there's a deeply lonely feeling that that but the moment we go oh you do that as well you feel that oh my god me too okay so so there's hope then because actually this is this is a universal issue it's the human condition."
The speaker emphasizes the power of vocalizing shame, suggesting that speaking about these experiences breaks the isolation shame creates. By sharing, individuals realize they are not alone, transforming a personal struggle into a shared human experience with the potential for hope.
"I had a lot of shame about my life about moments in my life my childhood and um you know i just i'm to be honest with you my mother trained me very early on anything that goes on in this house does not leave this house and so obviously the violence and the alcoholism and all the stuff in my young childhood i was ashamed."
Lulu explains that a deeply ingrained family rule about secrecy, coupled with experiences of violence and alcoholism in her childhood, led to significant shame. This upbringing prevented her from discussing difficult aspects of her life, contributing to a long-held sense of shame.
"I had a lot of shame about my life about moments in my life my childhood and um you know i just i'm to be honest with you my mother trained me very early on anything that goes on in this house does not leave this house and so obviously the violence and the alcoholism and all the stuff in my young childhood i was ashamed."
Lulu explains that a deeply ingrained family rule about secrecy, coupled with experiences of violence and alcoholism in her childhood, led to significant shame. This upbringing prevented her from discussing difficult aspects of her life, contributing to a long-held sense of shame.
"I had a lot of shame about my life about moments in my life my childhood and um you know i just i'm to be honest with you my mother trained me very early on anything that goes on in this house does not leave this house and so obviously the violence and the alcoholism and all the stuff in my young childhood i was ashamed."
Lulu explains that a deeply ingrained family rule about secrecy, coupled with experiences of violence and alcoholism in her childhood, led to significant shame. This upbringing prevented her from discussing difficult aspects of her life, contributing to a long-held sense of shame.
"I had a lot of shame about my life about moments in my life my childhood and um you know i just i'm to be honest with you my mother trained me very early on anything that goes on in this house does not leave this house and so obviously the violence and the alcoholism and all the stuff in my young childhood i was ashamed."
Lulu explains that a deeply ingrained family rule about secrecy, coupled with experiences of violence and alcoholism in her childhood, led to significant shame. This upbringing prevented her from discussing difficult aspects of her life, contributing to a long-held sense of shame.
"I had a lot of shame about my life about moments in my life my childhood and um you know i just i'm to be honest with you my mother trained me very early on anything that goes on in this house does not leave this house and so obviously the violence and the alcoholism and all the stuff in my young childhood i was ashamed."
Lulu explains that a deeply ingrained family rule about secrecy, coupled with experiences of violence and alcoholism in her childhood, led to significant shame. This upbringing prevented her from discussing difficult aspects of her life, contributing to a long-held sense of shame.
"I had a lot of shame about my life about moments in my life my childhood and um you know i just i'm to be honest with you my mother trained me very early on anything that goes on in this house does not leave this house and so obviously the violence and the alcoholism and all the stuff in my young childhood i was ashamed."
Lulu explains that a deeply ingrained family rule about secrecy, coupled with experiences of violence and alcoholism in her childhood, led to significant shame. This upbringing prevented her from discussing difficult aspects of her life, contributing to a long-held sense of shame.
"I had a lot of shame about my life about moments in my life my childhood and um you know i just i'm to be honest with you my mother trained me very early on anything that goes on in this house does not leave this house and so obviously the violence and the alcoholism and all the stuff in my young childhood i was ashamed."
Lulu explains that a
Resources
External Resources
Books
- "Boys Don't Cry" by Jamie Laing - Mentioned as a book where the author discusses his experiences with weight and dieting.
People
- Brené Brown - Mentioned as a shame researcher who has researched the topic for decades and discusses how to cope with shame.
- Charlie Mackesy - Mentioned as an artist with thoughts on how shame prevents vulnerability and connection.
- Dawn French - Mentioned as a comedian who discusses embracing mistakes to combat shame.
- Elizabeth Day - Mentioned as a podcast host whose platform was used by Lulu to practice discussing her struggles with bulimia.
- Fearne Cotton - Mentioned as the host of the podcast "Happy Place."
- Jamie Laing - Mentioned as a guest who opens up about his eating disorder and the shame he has held.
- Lulu - Mentioned as a singer who reflects on the shame she felt about her difficult childhood.
- Sophie - Mentioned as a friend of Jamie Laing who discovered his eating disorder.
- Ben West - Mentioned as a mental health activist who opens up about the shame he felt after his brother's suicide.
Podcasts & Audio
- Happy Place - The podcast where the discussions on shame took place.
Other Resources
- Shame - Discussed as a deeply painful experience of believing one is flawed and unworthy of love and belonging, distinct from guilt.
- Guilt - Discussed as a feeling related to having done something bad, contrasting with shame.
- Cancel Culture - Discussed as a phenomenon that makes it difficult to hold people accountable and can lead to shaming.
- Eating Disorder - Discussed by Jamie Laing and Lulu as a struggle involving shame and secrecy.