Boundaries as Connection Tools: Self-Enforcement for Relational Integrity

Key Quotes

"Boundaries are the distance at which I can love both me and you. If I keep myself in a place where I can stay with myself and offer myself like love and understanding then I'm going to be able to offer more love and understanding to others."

Katrina Mounter, the therapist, explains that boundaries are not about creating distance to separate oneself from others. Instead, she argues that boundaries are about managing relationships in a way that allows for self-care, which in turn enables greater capacity for loving and understanding others. This perspective reframes boundaries as tools for connection rather than isolation.

"I think the first step which may seem sort of obvious but sometimes we skip over is to stop and think about what it is that we actually want to change and to get really clear about it in and try to narrow it down to like an actual behavior or like something concrete."

Katrina Mounter outlines the initial step in setting an effective boundary: self-reflection. She emphasizes the importance of identifying a specific, observable behavior that needs to change, rather than a vague feeling or abstract concept. This concrete approach makes the boundary more actionable and easier to communicate and enforce.

"I would say that's pretty extreme and maybe not appropriate right? Like that is not is not leaving a lot of space for even for people to just like mess up most of the time the interactions are great but if like you mess up or like go a little too far or say things in a way that you don't want to say to a kid because we're not perfect then it seems like the consequence of that is like really severe."

Katrina Mounter critiques a boundary that involves threatening to remove access to children if interactions are not perfectly aligned with the parent's wishes. She argues that such a boundary is extreme and inappropriate because it leaves no room for human error or minor missteps. Mounter suggests that the consequence of imperfect interactions should not be so severe as to threaten relationships.

"I think the other option would be to give like a positive action or request rather than just saying like don't do this or if you do this then i won't do that right? Because it sounds like with these sisters like some trust has been lost like in the case of the of op like they were given like instructions on what to do differently but when they followed those instructions like their sister does not actually like get the child to stop doing what they're doing and it doesn't seem like there's actually anything being done with that information."

Katrina Mounter proposes an alternative to negative commands when setting boundaries, especially in sibling relationships where trust may be strained. She suggests framing boundaries as positive requests or outlining desired actions, rather than solely focusing on prohibitions or consequences. Mounter notes that when instructions are given but not acted upon, it indicates a breakdown in communication and trust.

"I think sometimes when people like aren't ready to start drawing boundaries of course I will sometimes want to push them a little harder to at least try it or like try it on a small scale right? Because until you try it like people are so afraid it's not gonna work or it's gonna blow up into a confrontation that they are really scared to try it and that is reasonable like they have probably seen examples of that happening around them and there are probably at least some little ways that you can practice this and try this that I really want to like push people to go for."

Katrina Mounter discusses her internal inclination as a therapist to encourage clients to practice setting boundaries, even on a small scale. She acknowledges that clients' fear of failure or confrontation is valid, often stemming from observed negative outcomes. Mounter expresses a desire to push clients to experiment with boundary-setting, believing that practice can overcome these fears.

"I think sometimes you know, we like to get a little close to the edge depending on what the personality and the like interaction is between us but like I want to have people like figure out what their balance is and what their like 'fuck this, I'm getting out of here' is not what mine would be so that's why we're not just like giving you advice all the time."

Katrina Mounter explains why therapists do not directly give advice, even when they might feel a strong urge to intervene. She states that while therapists may empathize and understand a client's frustration, their role is to help the client discover their own limits and responses. Mounter emphasizes that the client must determine their own "fuck this, I'm getting out of here" moment, as it needs to be authentic to them, not the therapist's.