Facing Change With Candor: Resilience Through Vulnerability and Collective Action

The Oscars, Divorce, and the Unseen Currents of Life: Navigating Change with Candor

This conversation, nestled within the "We Can Do Hard Things" podcast, offers a profound exploration of how we navigate loss, love, and life's inevitable shifts. Beyond the glitz of the Oscars, the hosts--Glennon, Abby, and Amanda--delve into the non-obvious implications of promises made to children, the nuanced distinction between leaving a relationship and abandoning love, and the courage required to embrace change. The hidden consequence revealed is that true strength isn't in avoiding difficulty, but in facing it with honesty and vulnerability, fostering resilience by practicing hard things within a supportive community. This discussion is for anyone grappling with significant life transitions, offering a framework for understanding that staying soft while doing hard things is not only possible but essential for enduring well-being and authentic connection.

The Illusion of Unwavering Stability: Promises and the Childhood Fear of Change

The hosts tackle a listener's question that cuts to the heart of parental promises: Glennon's past assurance to her children that she and their father would never divorce, contrasted with her current commitment to Abby. The distinction, they reveal, lies not in the promise itself, but in the implications of those promises for a child's understanding of change and their own emotional landscape. Glennon articulates a crucial insight: promising children a static future, especially regarding parental relationships, can inadvertently create a fragile sense of safety. When change inevitably arrives, children who have been shielded from it may lack the internal tools to cope, viewing any disruption as a personal tragedy.

This leads to a deeper understanding of parenting as a practice ground for life's difficulties. The hosts argue that instead of shielding children from change, parents should actively, and developmentally appropriately, expose them to it within the safe container of family. This allows children to practice metabolizing change, to learn that they can survive and even thrive amidst shifts, and to trust their own intuitive sense of what is happening. The immediate comfort of a promise of permanence, they suggest, creates a downstream deficit in resilience.

"The more uncomfortable with change a kid is, the more it is our responsibility as parents to expose them to change within the safe comfort of the family in a developmentally appropriate way... because the only thing that we know is true about life is that everything changes constantly."

This perspective challenges conventional wisdom, which often prioritizes avoiding conflict or distress for children. The podcast suggests that this avoidance, while well-intentioned, can lead to children who mistrust their own perceptions or become terrified of their own emotions, as they learn to deny or suppress what they sense when parental words contradict their lived experience. The true act of love, they propose, is not to deny difficult emotions or uncertain futures, but to acknowledge them honestly, providing a steady presence that signals, "This feels scary, but we will get through it together." This approach builds a foundation of self-trust and emotional literacy that serves children far beyond the home.

Love's True Nature: Beyond the Fairy Tale and Into the Deep End

The conversation pivots to the nature of love itself, particularly in the context of romantic relationships and the listener's question about distinguishing between leaving a relationship and giving up on love. Glennon offers a powerful framework: leaving a relationship because it requires giving up on love is fundamentally different from leaving because the current expression of love has reached its limit. The former implies a surrender of the possibility of deep, authentic connection, while the latter is a courageous act of self-preservation and a pursuit of a more profound, albeit potentially more challenging, form of love.

She distinguishes between a love that is a fairy tale--an idealized, conflict-free joining--and a love that is a true, imperfect joining of souls, minds, and hearts. This latter form, while deeply uncomfortable at times due to the radical act of being fully seen, is ultimately more resilient and true. It is a love where one’s "worst" self is not only accepted but integrated, leading to a deepening connection rather than a retreat.

"If I left this one, it would be giving up on love. So that is how I know there's so many factors here. All I know is that I won't leave this one because it would almost feel like giving up on myself, I guess, or deciding that I wasn't worthy of love because it would mean it's too hard to be fully seen."

The implication here is that choosing to stay in a relationship where one is fully seen, even with its inherent discomfort, is an act of self-worth. Conversely, leaving such a relationship because the visibility is too challenging is, in essence, an admission that one believes they are not worthy of such deep, unvarnished love. This reframes the decision to stay or go not merely as a matter of compatibility, but as a profound statement about one's own perceived value and capacity for authentic connection. The delayed payoff of this kind of relationship is a profound sense of self-acceptance and a love that is tested and proven, creating a lasting moat against superficiality.

The "Freedom Fleet": Rowing Together Against the Current

The episode concludes with a powerful metaphor: the "Freedom Fleet." Heather, a listener, announces her retirement from a government job to "get on one of the boats" and work toward what she believes in. This segues into a discussion about collective action and social change, framed not as a monolithic resistance, but as a fleet of diverse boats, each representing a different cause--Palestine, LGBTQ+ rights, reproductive justice, mutual aid, women's sports, climate change.

The core insight here is that individual actions, when unified under a common purpose, create a powerful, unstoppable force--a river of progress. The danger, they explain, is remaining on the shore, passively observing. The "hard thing" is to get into a boat, to participate, to contribute. The essential rule for navigating this fleet is to "not be an asshole in our boat." This means not only strategizing and protesting but also dancing, loving, and inviting others to join. The revolution, as Tony Cade Bambara said, must be irresistible, a party filled with embracing, forgiveness, and love.

"Our rules for the freedom fleet... are that we just get as many people as possible off the shore who are just watching and into the boats... The time on the boat needs to be a party."

This systems-thinking approach highlights the interconnectedness of various justice movements. Yelling at another boat for being different is counterproductive; instead, the call is to encourage every boat, recognizing that each contributes to the larger river of progress. The ultimate message is one of solidarity and shared purpose: "Many boats, one fleet." This collective effort, while demanding, offers the profound advantage of shared burden and amplified impact, creating a lasting legacy of positive change that transcends individual effort. The immediate discomfort of stepping onto a boat and engaging is contrasted with the long-term payoff of contributing to a movement that moves towards justice and equality.

Key Action Items

• For Parents: Actively seek opportunities to expose children to developmentally appropriate change, practicing hard conversations and transitions together. (Immediate action)
• For Individuals in Relationships: Honestly assess whether staying in a relationship means giving up on the possibility of deep love, or if the current challenges are part of a process of being fully seen and known. (Ongoing reflection)
• For Activists: Identify a "boat" or cause within the "Freedom Fleet" that resonates with you and actively join a local group or organization. (Immediate action)
• For All: Practice radical honesty in communication with children, acknowledging your own feelings and struggles rather than denying them, to foster self-trust and emotional resilience. (Immediate action)
• For Community Builders: Make your "boat" or group an irresistible place to be by fostering love, forgiveness, and celebration alongside strategic action. (Ongoing effort)
• For Those Feeling Overwhelmed: Recognize that engaging in collective action, even in small ways, can provide a sense of purpose and belonging, counteracting feelings of helplessness. (Immediate action)
• For Those Considering Major Life Changes: Embrace the discomfort of transition, understanding that stepping off the shore and into the "boat" of your aspirations is where true growth and impact lie. (Long-term investment, pays off in 6-18 months)