From Impressing to Connecting: Cultivating Authentic Relationships

Key Quotes

"When you really take care of self first so that'll be step one how do you build yourself up to attract the ultimate person for you and your future self and then step two how do you in a sea of opportunities of individuals that are now in front of you because you have developed yourself as a a high value human for relationship how do you know when to choose and who to choose when there could be so many great people in front of you that you might be dating or meeting how can you actually make the choice that you know is going to be great for you for the next 10 20 50 years potentially in an intimate relationship that's part two"

Matthew Hussey explains that becoming a well-developed individual is the first step to attracting the right partner. He then poses the challenge of discerning and choosing the most suitable person from a pool of potential partners once self-improvement has been achieved. This highlights a two-part approach to relationship readiness: internal development followed by external discernment.

"I want to challenge first the idea that when we become the person that we want to need to become in order to attract the love that we want that we attract many more people oh because my experience has been that often in order to attract what you really need you have to give something up and often the thing that you have to give up is the kind of attention that you have been used to"

Matthew Hussey challenges the common assumption that self-improvement automatically leads to attracting more people. He suggests that attracting the right person may require sacrificing the type of attention one is accustomed to receiving, implying a need for intentionality beyond simply becoming more attractive. This points to a potential trade-off in the pursuit of genuine connection.

"There's a big difference between impressing and connecting yes and what is the difference between impressing and connecting I think impressing is this it's often about ego sometimes it comes from an insecure place I think it comes from a place of thinking that this thing that makes me impressive is what makes me valuable it's what makes me worthy and so I want to make sure that you know that I am this thing or I have this thing or I've achieved this thing or I'm capable of this thing and and so we lead with that but impressing is really about us isn't it it's not about them whereas connecting is really about them"

Matthew Hussey differentiates between impressing and connecting, framing impressing as an ego-driven act focused on self-validation. Connecting, conversely, is described as being about the other person, emphasizing genuine engagement and relatability. This distinction is crucial for understanding authentic human interaction.

"The greatest kind of challenge I think for all of us and this this is true by the way of men too right how many men relentlessly chase off the women who don't seem to want them right who reject them reject them who treat them like they're disposable yeah how many guys are playing the friend to a woman for years on end who picks them up and puts them down whenever it suits her and they're doing it for years on end this is not just a female pattern this is a people pattern why is it that we respond to people who treat us poorly why do we think we deal because there is something about it that is known to us it is familiar it's familiar and we don't realize it"

Matthew Hussey highlights that the tendency to pursue those who treat us poorly is not exclusive to one gender but is a common human pattern. He suggests this behavior stems from familiarity with certain dynamics, even if those dynamics are unhealthy. This points to deeply ingrained psychological patterns influencing relationship choices.

"The past does not have to equal the future when it comes to these patterns right we our nervous system may have gotten wired in this way at a time when we didn't choose for it to be wired that way it just happened to us because that's what we needed to do to survive but it doesn't mean that it's not a it's not a life sentence once you become more aware of those patterns you do have the power to have an enormous impact on changing them or even just how you relate to those patterns"

Matthew Hussey emphasizes that past experiences and learned patterns do not dictate future behavior. He explains that even if certain responses were developed for survival, awareness of these patterns grants individuals the power to change them. This offers a message of hope and agency in overcoming ingrained relational habits.

"I think the first thing I would say is that it's it's not this is gonna sound cheesy but I I I mean it I would start by saying it's not your fault that you are the way you are that these things that you think are a sign that you're broken whether it's your shyness or your anxiety or feeling like you're you know terrified of rejection or that you're not good enough I you you know these things are either they've either been part of you from the beginning or they are a response to things that have happened in your life"

Matthew Hussey advises his younger self that perceived flaws like shyness or anxiety are not indicative of being broken but are often responses to life experiences or inherent traits. He stresses the importance of self-compassion, suggesting that understanding the origin of these feelings can alleviate self-judgment. This underscores the idea that personal struggles often have external or developmental roots.