Friendships as Platonic Life Partnerships Rivaling Marriage

Key Quotes

"The seed of this idea was planted back in 2024 both me and jasmine had started talking about the possibility of us moving in together we were both recently divorced and we realized we needed help it's very hard doing this by yourself so why don't we try to you know be each other's support and right around that time we did an episode right here on the sunday story with reina cohen a producer and editor here at npr about her book called the other significant others and the book reina documents friends who also own their homes together and raise kids together they even care for each other in old age and in a lot of ways they're far more than friends they're life partners and i remember kind of leaning over to reina during that time and saying hey you know me and my best friend i'm thinking about this too and you know here now more than a year later we've made it happen that's my life now"

Ayesha Rascoe explains how the idea for her living arrangement with her best friend originated from a conversation with Rhaina Cohen about Cohen's book. Rascoe highlights that the book explores friendships that function as life partnerships, involving shared homes, co-parenting, and mutual care. This conversation planted the seed for Rascoe's own decision to move in with her best friend, demonstrating the book's influence on real-life relationship structures.

"I think one of the most kind of beautiful parts of working on the book is finding that so many people have some kind of experience with this like what you're describing with jasmine a feeling like there is this person in your life who feels almost like a partner and they're a friend and that's possible yeah"

Rhaina Cohen reflects on the commonality of deep friendships that resemble partnerships, as described by Ayesha Rascoe. Cohen emphasizes that discovering these shared experiences among many people was a beautiful aspect of her book research. She validates the possibility of friendships feeling like partnerships, suggesting this is a widely recognized but perhaps not fully acknowledged form of connection.

"I really felt the kind of excitement that I had felt in romantic relationships but it was just in a friendship it's like a rom com for friendships yeah but without the like romance and the the kisses and stuff yeah I actually think friendships can be super romantic I mean that was the thing that I discovered with m just like wanting to be in m's presence all the time like wanting to sort of like get the warm glow of her brilliance and charisma by being around her it just sort of showed me that there are these emotional experiences that are possible to have in a friendship that aren't usually acknowledged"

Rhaina Cohen describes the intense emotional experiences she has had in friendships, comparing them to the excitement of romantic relationships. Cohen uses the analogy of a "rom com for friendships" to illustrate the depth of connection, while clarifying it lacks romantic elements. She asserts that friendships can be "super romantic" in their own way, highlighting the desire for a friend's presence and the emotional fulfillment derived from it.

"So one of them is like that your spouse should be your everything this kind of like one stop shopping model and that doesn't really leave much room for friends if you're supposed to get everything in one person you know another one was like if you don't have a romantic relationship that you as a person are incomplete and you know a third that I came across was like in the drama of your life a romantic partner is supposed to be the main character and the friends are the supporting cast"

Rhaina Cohen discusses societal assumptions that limit the recognition of deep friendships. Cohen explains that the "one-stop shopping" model, which posits a spouse should fulfill all needs, leaves little room for friends. She also notes the idea that a person is incomplete without a romantic partner and that friends are relegated to supporting roles, rather than being recognized as potential main characters in one's life.

"I had the sense that it wasn't just me who had this I I kind of known people who like throughout my life who had this kind of friendship I saw you know broad city and insecure and there were these examples in pop culture but like there was no language for it so I I kind of wanted to set to find some of these people and you know I learned that I definitely was not alone"

Rhaina Cohen explains her motivation for writing her book, stemming from a personal realization that her intense friendships were not unique. Cohen observed similar dynamics in pop culture, like in "Broad City" and "Insecure," but found a lack of established language to describe these relationships. This led her to seek out and document the experiences of others who shared these profound, partner-like friendships, confirming she was not alone in her experience.

"So how can we improve things for people like barb and inez like to truly acknowledge that you can have a partnership that can be equal to what it is between married people that they could also or should have some weight Well I think it helps to consider like why do we value marriage and there's a lot of answers to that but I've gotten to observe a little bit of this going to tons of weddings like I'm in my 30s peak wedding time and the moment where I really see people get choked up are during the vows when the bride or groom whoever says for better or for worse for richer or for poorer in sickness and in health there's a shared future that people imagine and that's the thing inside marriage that really matters and that we hold close it's not really the sex and sparks so much it's about commitment and long term sacrifice and knowing that there's going to be somebody caring for you"

Rhaina Cohen suggests shifting the focus from the form of a relationship to its function to better acknowledge friendships as partnerships. Cohen observes that the most moving aspects of marriage vows often revolve around commitment, shared future, sacrifice, and mutual care, rather than just romance or sex. She argues that by valuing these functional elements, society can recognize the equal weight and importance of friendships that provide similar commitments and support.