Chronic Fawning: Trauma Response, Survival Adaptation, and Healing

Deep Dive

The discussion begins by defining fawning as a relational trauma response where individuals appease or caretake to mitigate relational threats. This behavior is presented as an extension of fight, flight, or freeze responses, serving as a survival adaptation when other responses are not viable or might worsen a situation. Fawning is described as connection as protection, particularly in environments where relationships themselves may be harmful.

The source then explores how fawning extends beyond familial systems to encompass broader systems of power, such as patriarchy, racism, and classism, with the body instinctively understanding its position within societal hierarchies. This contrasts with common interpretations of fawning as mere people-pleasing or codependency, which imply conscious choice, whereas fawning is presented as an unconscious, reflexive instinct.

Examples of fawning in the workplace are provided, illustrating individuals who overextend themselves, volunteer for excessive tasks, and delay seeking appropriate recognition or compensation, leading to feelings of being unseen and resentful. The core of this behavior is identified as a reliance on external validation for self-worth and safety, operating from an "outside-in" perspective.

The distinction between chronic and situational fawning is addressed, with chronic fawning often rooted in childhood trauma where fight or flight responses were not feasible. In such cases, appeasement becomes a deeply ingrained survival mechanism, leading individuals to believe it is simply their personality. This conditioning reinforces prioritizing others' feelings and needs over one's own, becoming a shield that operates without conscious awareness.

Dr. Ingrid Clayton shares her personal background, describing her experience as a 13-year-old girl navigating a relationship with a stepfather who was grooming her. Despite having external markers of stability like a home and family vacations, this deep-seated fawning pattern persisted long after she left that environment, driving her to pursue psychology in an attempt to understand and resolve this feeling of being stuck.

The physiological ramifications of fawning are discussed, highlighting its connection to the sympathetic nervous system (mobilizing fight/flight energy) and hypoarousal (collapse/submit). These responses can occur simultaneously, leading to dissociation and a disconnection from self, making it difficult for individuals to recognize their own fawning behavior or the abuse they may be experiencing.

Shame is identified as a significant barrier to healing from relational trauma. The source explains that shame is initially imposed through invalidation of one's experiences, compounded by societal platitudes that dismiss attempts to assert oneself. Further shame is entrenched when individuals engage in fawning, feeling they are not fully present with their own needs and values.

The conversation shifts to the concept of reframing issues from "what's the matter with me?" to "what happened to me?" This paradigm shift, often associated with trauma-informed approaches, reduces shame by contextualizing behaviors as adaptive responses to difficult environments rather than personal dysfunction. This perspective allows for greater self-compassion and the potential for new choices.

The source challenges the notion of a binary "healed or unhealed" state, suggesting that most individuals exist in a "messy middle" of navigating life. This nuanced view moves away from the idea of a perfect, finished state of healing and instead emphasizes continuous growth and discovery.

Dr. Clayton discusses the power dynamics inherent in therapeutic relationships, emphasizing the importance of therapists avoiding the perpetuation of fawning by not holding themselves up as perfect avatars. She advocates for flattening hierarchies and fostering genuine connection, acknowledging that even therapists may not have all the answers.

The concept of owning one's anger is explored, contrasting with traditional views in some spiritual and psychological circles that caution against anger. The source argues that anger is a vital human emotion and a necessary part of processing experiences, essential for reclaiming one's life force, while still emphasizing the importance of healthy expression and avoiding violence.

Practical steps for expressing anger and connecting with oneself are offered, including placing a hand on one's heart, cultivating curiosity about internal experiences, and noticing physical sensations. These practices aim to build an embodied relationship with the self, allowing individuals to acknowledge and process feelings that may have been suppressed.

The discussion touches upon therapeutic modalities such as Somatic Experiencing (SE), Internal Family Systems (IFS), and EMDR as accessible tools for trauma healing and nervous system regulation. The importance of trusting one's internal feedback when engaging with these or other approaches is stressed.

The signs of being a fawner are detailed, including befriending bullies, shrinking in relationships, chronic conflict avoidance, self-minimization, hypervigilance, shame spirals, shapeshifting, resentment, caretaking, a deep need to be chosen or liked, and even sexual fawning. These manifestations are presented as ways individuals try to navigate perceived threats.

Sexual fawning is elaborated upon, explaining how sexuality can become fused with appeasement behaviors, particularly for those who experienced early sexualization or felt disempowered. This can lead to a feeling of self-betrayal and trauma reenactment, where individuals use their attractiveness to ensure safety.

Practical steps for "unfawning" are outlined, beginning with building internal safety through self-relationship before attempting to set boundaries in external relationships. This involves small, manageable steps, such as politely correcting a waiter or expressing a differing opinion with a friend, to gather experiential feedback that the body can learn from.

The importance of moving away from binary thinking is reiterated as crucial for recovering from fawning. This involves acknowledging the reality of an often unsafe world and recognizing that fawning can be a legitimate survival strategy, rather than a personal failing.

Accessible approaches to nervous system regulation are highlighted, emphasizing the role of the senses as the language of the nervous system. Practices like deliberately noticing environmental details (sight, sound) and recalling safe or connected memories are suggested to help individuals become more embodied and regulated.

The concept of imagining safe places or scenarios is presented as a powerful tool for nervous system regulation, akin to how athletes visualize success. The source encourages individuals to explore these mental exercises, noting that they can induce feelings of safety and calm, even if they seem "cheesy."

The discussion then moves to outer work, including setting modified boundaries that allow for nuance beyond simple yes or no answers. Practicing vulnerability with safe individuals is also recommended, encouraging open communication about the desire for deeper connection and the willingness to hold space for differing opinions.

The idea of stepping into "brier patches" -- uncomfortable situations that may have previously ignited terror -- is presented as a necessary part of healing. This gradual engagement with discomfort, followed by returning to safety, helps individuals learn that situations may be merely uncomfortable rather than dangerous, leading to a reduction in constant hypervigilance.

The process of grieving is acknowledged as a significant part of unfawning, involving the potential loss of relationships that are not what they were perceived to be. However, the ultimate reward is gaining a more authentic relationship with oneself, which is considered more valuable than sacrificing self for an inauthentic connection.

The source clarifies that the principles of unfawning apply to both those with complex trauma and those who experience acute fawning responses situationally. The distinction is not necessarily the presence of complex trauma, but rather the ongoing experience of threat and overwhelm in the nervous system, which can occur in various contexts, including unhealthy workplace dynamics.

The concept of power dynamics in relationships is explored, particularly for those in positions of authority