Busyness as Self-Soothing Masks Fear of True Priorities
TL;DR
- Busyness serves as a form of self-soothing, delaying confrontation with underlying issues and preventing individuals from addressing grief or personal challenges effectively.
- Prioritizing "specialness" over happiness leads to an identity deeply intertwined with work achievements, causing a loss of self when external validation or roles disappear.
- Decision fatigue, stemming from constant task management and meeting attendance, erodes joy and clarity, preventing strategic thinking and proactive problem-solving.
- Building margin into daily life, even just 15 minutes for reflection, creates agency and confidence, enabling individuals to reclaim control and make more intentional choices.
- A lack of intentional thinking time leads to a reactive state, where individuals are constantly addressing immediate problems rather than focusing on the most important work.
- The "halo effect" of small, consistent acts of self-care, like dedicated thinking time, builds momentum and provides the confidence to tackle larger life and work challenges.
- True rest feels like stress when busyness has become a primary coping mechanism, highlighting the need to gradually reintroduce quiet and reflection.
Deep Dive
Jen Davis's experience highlights a critical tension for high achievers: the pursuit of external validation through achievement can lead to a profound disconnect from personal values and relationships. Her strategic pause from a high-stakes leadership role revealed that busyness often serves as a form of self-soothing, masking an underlying fear of confronting what truly matters. This synthesized briefing extracts the core arguments and their second-order implications, offering a framework for recalibrating identity and reclaiming presence.
The primary insight is that identity, when inextricably tied to professional achievement and busyness, becomes fragile and unsustainable. Davis recognized that her calendar, filled with obligations to her professional role, no longer reflected her priorities as a mother. This misalignment, compounded by physical exhaustion and illness, forced a confrontation with the superficiality of being physically present but mentally absent in her family life. The second-order implication here is that this constant state of "reacting" rather than "responding" erodes clarity and joy, leading to decision fatigue and a diminished capacity for authentic connection. When individuals operate in this mode, their bodies often signal distress, compelling a pause that, while initially uncomfortable, is necessary for recalibration. The fear of losing relevance or identity outside of one's professional role is a significant hurdle, as demonstrated by Davis's initial disorientation upon stepping back. However, this discomfort is the precursor to a more robust and authentic self-definition, one that is not contingent on external markers of success.
The practical implication of Davis's journey is the power of "margin"--intentional space for thinking, feeling, and aligning actions with values. This margin is not about idleness but about structured reflection that prevents "stupid stuff" and fosters deliberate action. The challenge lies in transitioning from a "busyness as drug" mentality to one where intentionality and presence are prioritized. For many, the fear of quiet and the unfamiliarity of peace can make rest feel peculiar. The antidote is to cultivate the habit of intentional thinking, starting with small, manageable blocks of time--as little as 15 minutes--to set daily intentions and reflect on accomplishments. This practice builds agency and confidence, creating a "beachhead" from which to reclaim control over one's calendar and, ultimately, one's life. The long-term consequence of consistently building and protecting this margin is the ability to live a life where vacations are not an escape from exhaustion but a natural extension of a well-ordered existence, fostering deeper connections and a more grounded sense of self.
Action Items
- Audit personal calendar: Identify 3-5 recurring activities that do not align with stated priorities (ref: "show me your calendar and I'll show you your priorities").
- Draft intention statement: Define 1-2 key outcomes for the day and 1-2 for the week to guide focus (ref: "15 minutes to set my intentions for the day").
- Schedule 15-minute reflection blocks: Implement daily morning and evening thinking time to assess progress and plan ahead (ref: "15 minutes at the beginning of the day and 30 minutes at the end of the day").
- Identify 3 personal patterns: Track daily activities to recognize recurring behaviors that lead to misalignment or success (ref: "patterns of winning" and "patterns that get us off track").
- Create a "margin" buffer: Allocate specific time blocks for unstructured thought and response, not just reaction (ref: "margin had disappeared from her life").
Key Quotes
"We talk a lot about um show me your calendar and i'll show you your priorities right and my calendar at that time would have looked like every priority i had was a maps coach or maps coaching instead of it being my kids and my relationships and so about that time you know i looked up and i was like i'm missing it with the people that are closest to me i'm missing time with them that i'm not gonna get back."
Jen Davis explains that her calendar, which should reflect her priorities, was instead filled with work commitments. This realization, that her professional obligations were overshadowing her family and relationships, prompted her to re-evaluate her life. Davis highlights the common practice of using one's calendar as an indicator of what truly matters.
"I was there but I wasn't there right like physically my body was there and mentally I was thinking about all of the meetings or all the to do lists or all of the things that needed to happen the next day right to to support our coaches and and I got sick um sometimes which happens it can happen after big events we had had fall masterminds and there were a couple of other things that were happening right around that same time and I got home and I got very sick and I was I was laying on the couch and there was this sick as in I'm just broke down tired kind of sick or like the flu or all of the above broke down tired pretty emotional you know like the kind where you're like I wish my mom lived here oh um that kind of a sick."
Jen Davis describes a period where she was physically present but mentally absent during her children's events, preoccupied with work. This lack of presence, coupled with a subsequent illness, led to a forced pause. Davis illustrates how even when attending important life events, mental distraction can prevent genuine engagement.
"The question that they asked on the podcast was would you rather be special or happy and it hit me in a way that I was like I have spent my entire career chasing special thinking it was going to make me happy and then you get to this space and you're like oh I am I want to be special to the people I want to be special to right I want to so so when people would ask me they were surprised right but it was like this slow trickle of information because right the the inner circle at keller williams knew the coaches didn't know though because you've got to provide stability in a season of transition and so it was in stages that people found out and so it was pretty consistently me answering those questions authentically which was I love what I'm doing I love the opportunity to impact the real estate industry I love it and in this season this is where I need to be this is more important."
Jen Davis shares a pivotal moment when a podcast question about choosing between being "special" or "happy" made her realize her career had been driven by a pursuit of specialness, not happiness. Davis explains that this realization led her to re-prioritize her life, focusing on what truly mattered to her in her current season. This quote demonstrates Davis's shift in perspective from external validation to internal fulfillment.
"The enemy echoes what we are afraid of until fear feels familiar and peace feels peculiar."
Jen Davis shares a quote from her mentor, Jeremy Johnson, suggesting that people often become accustomed to fear and anxiety, making peace feel unfamiliar. Davis relates this to her own experience, where her fear was not of failure, but of the quiet and what she might discover about herself if she stopped being busy. This quote highlights how prolonged periods of busyness can create a comfort zone in anxiety, making stillness feel unsettling.
"If busyness is your drug rest will feel like stress."
Jen Davis references a quote stating that if busyness has become a coping mechanism, then rest can feel stressful. Davis explains that for her, work served as a form of self-soothing, and when that was removed during her pause, she had to confront underlying issues. This quote illustrates how deeply ingrained habits of busyness can make periods of inactivity feel uncomfortable or even anxiety-inducing.
"The secret for me is I need to have margin I do like to be productive I like um to make impact on people people are people matter to me I like their stories I like to be part of their story I like to know about their story um I like to feel like I'm doing good work but what doesn't work for me is to go to to be so jammed in that my identity is wrapped up in that so for me it is this idea of the secret for happiness is I've got quality time with the people that I love I've got time to make an impact and I've got margin where I can say okay was I my best self today what corrections could I make tomorrow right where am I at how do I make these adjustments."
Jen Davis defines her secret to happiness as having "margin," which allows for quality time with loved ones, opportunities to make an impact, and space for reflection. Davis emphasizes that her identity is not solely tied to her productivity but rather to a balance of meaningful work and personal connection. This quote encapsulates Davis's discovered formula for a fulfilling life, emphasizing intentionality and personal well-being.
Resources
External Resources
Books
- "The Road Less Stupid" by Keith Cunningham - Mentioned as a resource for understanding the importance of thinking time.
People
- Jen Davis - Guest on the podcast, discussing her experience of stepping back from a high-pressure career to reclaim her identity and priorities.
- Jay Papasan - Host of the podcast, engaging in conversation with Jen Davis.
- Keith Cunningham - Author whose book "The Road Less Stupid" was mentioned.
- Dr. Robyne Hanley-Defoe - Mentioned in relation to a podcast on burnout and the strain of living out of alignment with values.
- Jordan Freed - Friend of Jen Davis and Jay Papasan, mentioned in relation to sharing quotes and teaching about keeping promises to oneself.
- Jeremy Johnson - Mentor who shared a quote about fear and peace.
- Peter Drucker - Author of "Managing Oneself," mentioned for his advice on setting intentions and reflecting on one's day.
- John Moloney - Quoted regarding the relationship between busyness and stress.
Organizations & Institutions
- MAPS (Coaching Company) - Jen Davis's former role was leading this organization.
- Keller Williams Realty - Mentioned in relation to Jen Davis's work and the podcast's production.
- North Point - Jen Davis's affiliation mentioned in a personal introduction context.
Websites & Online Resources
- the1thing.com/pods - Provided as the URL for complete show notes.
- Speakpipe.com/the1thing - Provided as a platform for sending audio notes.
- Jen Davis’s Website - Mentioned as a resource to learn more.
Other Resources
- The ONE Thing (Podcast) - The podcast series where this episode was featured.
- Decision Fatigue - Discussed as a concept that erodes joy and clarity.
- Busyness as Self-Soothing - Discussed as a coping mechanism that can delay addressing deeper issues.
- Proximity as a Superpower - A concept Jen Davis used to describe her desire to be present with her children.
- Alignment with Values - Discussed as a factor in avoiding burnout.
- Margin - A concept discussed as essential for thinking, reflection, and growth, contrasted with busyness.
- Reaction vs. Response - Differentiated as an impulsive action versus a thoughtful approach.
- Cortisol Fueled by Caffeine - Described as a state resulting from constant decision-making and lack of reflection.
- Keeping the Promise to Yourself - A concept taught by Jordan Freed, related to integrity and self-trust.
- Halo Effect - Described as the positive impact of small, controlled acts of self-discipline.
- Building a Life You Don't Need a Vacation From - A concept discussed in relation to thoughtful living and avoiding burnout.