Four Pillars of Self-Doubt: Acceptance, Agency, Autonomy, Adaptability

Key Quotes

"we've distilled it down to four main drivers and so if you're able to determine okay where am i on these drivers which one is really propelling my self doubt that allows you to then determine what you need to do to move through it as you said self doubt doesn't necessarily disappear with achievement it doesn't disappear as you advance in your career it just scales with responsibility but the real measure of someone's success and happiness is if they can hear the voice of self doubt and still move forward anyway"

Dr. Shadé Zahrai explains that self-doubt is not a monolithic issue but is driven by specific factors. Identifying these drivers is crucial for developing strategies to overcome them. She emphasizes that true success and happiness are measured by the ability to act despite experiencing self-doubt, rather than its complete absence.

"it may not be a physical scar but we all have beliefs or expectations about ourselves based on how we see ourselves our self image and then we're going to notice things that reinforce it because of how the brain is wired confirmation bias selective attention your brain is wired to magnify what you focus on so if you're going into your life into your conversations into your meetings into your work believing that you're not worthy that you're not capable that you don't deserve it you're going to notice things that reinforce that and it's only going to make you feel worse"

Dr. Shadé Zahrai uses the analogy of invisible scars to illustrate how our self-image, formed by our beliefs and expectations, influences our perception of reality. She highlights that confirmation bias and selective attention cause us to notice and amplify information that reinforces these existing beliefs, leading to a self-perpetuating cycle of negative feelings.

"the fundamental difference is what happens when you don't achieve the standards that determines whether it's perfectionism or it's just striving for excellence if you beat yourself up and tell yourself i'm a failure i'm not enough i'm terrible you judge yourself that is a sign of perfectionism that is called maladaptive that is a reflection of you not feeling like you're enough so you punish yourself whereas if you fall short yeah you can feel disappointed for a while that's fine that's natural that's human but then if you ask yourself okay how do i get better how do i learn and how do i apply what i've learned to implement it the next time i do it to get further ahead that's called striving for excellence"

Dr. Shadé Zahrai distinguishes between perfectionism and striving for excellence by focusing on the reaction to not meeting standards. She argues that perfectionism involves self-judgment and punishment for falling short, stemming from a feeling of inadequacy. In contrast, striving for excellence involves learning from setbacks and applying those lessons for future improvement.

"we need to remind ourselves that we have an incredible track record of not only hard skills and tangible achievements but what we call essence qualities the growth mindset the curiosity the persistence the diligence and these are things that you develop not only at work but importantly in life we forget when we're at work and this used to happen to me all the time and it happens to so many of the people in our programs they start a new job and they yes they may not be able to do the things that they need to do in the job and then they get so down on themselves forgetting that they have all these other skills and attributes that they can be applying to help them learn what they need to learn"

Dr. Shadé Zahrai emphasizes that individuals often overlook their "essence qualities," such as growth mindset, curiosity, persistence, and diligence, when facing new challenges, particularly in a work context. She points out that these transferable skills, developed throughout life, are crucial for learning and adapting to new roles, even when lacking specific job-related experience.

"bison on the other hand have been observed to walk towards a storm they walk into the wind which counterintuitively means they generally pass the brunt of the storm they get through it much quicker so what is the insight that we learned from this well there are two mindsets there is the bison mindset where you see the bad thing you acknowledge the bad thing you approach the bad thing knowing that there's light on the other side or the cow mindset you avoid the bad thing you run away from the bad thing you don't want to own up to the bad thing or take ownership over it you run away and then it'll just get worse and worse and worse"

Dr. Shadé Zahrai uses the analogy of cows and bison weathering a storm to illustrate two approaches to challenges. She explains that cows tend to avoid the storm, prolonging their exposure to its negative effects, while bison confront the storm directly, moving through it more quickly. This highlights the benefit of facing difficulties head-on rather than avoiding them.

"care less about what people think care more about being of service being of value being of impact leaving a positive legacy that's brilliant and it's beautiful and it's something you can use in the moment when you're about to step onto stage when you're about to approach a stranger in a bar when you're about to have that conversation about your pay raise care less about the outcome care more about making this person feel seen or demonstrating my value it's beautiful and so simple"

Dr. Shadé Zahrai offers the self-talk phrase "care less, care more" as a practical tool for managing self-doubt. She suggests shifting focus away from external opinions ("care less about what people think") and towards internal values and contributions ("care more about being of service, being of value, being of impact"). This reframing helps in navigating situations that trigger insecurity, such as public speaking or asking for a raise.