Proactive Hosting and Reciprocal Participation Build Community

Key Quotes

"The best way to get a seat at the table is to host the table and I think right now everybody's longing for community we long to be part of a village we long to have people come over and help us but when's the last time you've hosted something when's the last time you have helped somebody move when's the last time you picked somebody up at the airport when's the last time you offered to babysit your friends' kids so that they can go out on a date night it's almost like community has become consumption instead of production."

Priya Parker argues that the desire for community often leads people to be passive consumers rather than active participants. She suggests that the most effective way to experience community is by taking the initiative to host gatherings, thereby creating the "table" where connections can form. Parker highlights that this shift from consumption to production is crucial for genuine community building.

"One of the best ways to build a community first is to host something and host something that you are excited about it shouldn't be a should host a gathering you want to attend and it can be super simple it can be super silly actually honestly the sillier the better."

Priya Parker emphasizes that the foundation of community building lies in hosting events that genuinely excite the host. She advises against hosting out of obligation, encouraging instead the creation of simple or even silly gatherings that the host themselves would enjoy attending. Parker believes this personal enthusiasm is contagious and essential for drawing others in.

"The idea of a regular is a really powerful idea there's so many first of all third places that want to be this for people so restaurants bookshops gyms parks that are wanting to bring people together so go to those like find one place it can be trivia night at a local pub then you keep going every tuesday night over and over again find ways to take small social risks and also you can see if someone's not catching the vibe that's fine keep trying in different places but put yourself in places where other people are also looking for community and there's some amount of shared interest."

Priya Parker explains the significance of becoming a "regular" at "third places," which are environments outside of home and work that foster community. She suggests that consistent attendance at places like pubs or bookshops, even for events like trivia nights, allows for the development of social connections. Parker encourages taking small social risks and seeking out places with shared interests to find community.

"One of the things I often say to folks when particularly they're hosting something is you know what's the best way to lower my anxiety and like you know breathing practices all that helps but actually the best way to lower your anxiety is to share the worry of hosting by having co hosts or by having sometimes what I call even sub hosts so it's not that everyone even necessarily needs to help play the same role but this is a great trick to also just get people having buy in and sort of feeling like they're all rolling their sleeves up."

Priya Parker offers a practical strategy for managing the anxiety associated with hosting by distributing responsibilities. She advocates for co-hosting or assigning "sub-hosts" to share the burden and foster a sense of collective ownership. Parker believes this approach not only reduces individual stress but also increases buy-in and engagement from participants.

"I don't know about others but I know for me I'm so uncomfortable at so many of the gatherings I go to so I decided to host gatherings based on ones I would want to attend and it's doing things like thinking about the structure or the design of the gathering rather than sort of winging it based on you know the your sparkling personality it's finding ways to have release valves or escape hatches like you know little nooks with chess tables or game of cards or something on the side."

Priya Parker, identifying as someone who experiences discomfort at many gatherings, explains her approach to hosting by designing events she would personally enjoy. She emphasizes the importance of intentional structure and design over improvisation, suggesting elements like designated quiet areas or side activities such as chess. Parker's method aims to create more comfortable and engaging experiences for attendees.

"My number two is to go back to the identity part of hosting is host something host something in the next month it can it should scare you a little do something that at the essence of that activity whatever it is makes you giggle makes you like yeah i want to spend time that way host one thing and think of it as an experiment."

Priya Parker's second key piece of advice for community building is to host an event within the next month, even if it feels slightly daunting. She stresses that the activity should be something that genuinely brings the host joy and excitement, framing the experience as an experiment. Parker believes this proactive step, rooted in personal delight, is fundamental to creating community.