Modern Life's Certainty Depletes Vitality--Reclaiming Eroticism Through Connection

Key Quotes

"The original meaning the mystical meaning the historical meaning of eros is life force creativity engagement aliveness vibrancy vitality imagination it really is only very recent that the word has been kind of reduced to its sexual meaning to a set of repertoire and techniques and urges and accoutrements and to feel erotic is to feel alive and that sometimes happens in the midst of acute pain too it is not just an exalting experience the erotic applies to all areas it applies to art to work to relationships to nature to daily life you know everybody knows the difference between something that isn't dead and something that is alive a relationship that isn't dead and a relationship that is alive a project a person that distinction is very very important modern life i think sometimes depletes the erotic it overthinks it over isolates it numbs it tries to reduce every uncertainty into something that can be easily fixed and calculated so that's for me the erotic when do you feel most alive is a question that probes the erotic"

Esther Perel explains that "eros" encompasses a broad spectrum of life force, creativity, and vitality, extending beyond its common reduction to sexual meaning. She argues that modern life, with its tendency to overthink and numb experiences, often depletes this essential sense of aliveness. Perel suggests that feeling "most alive" is a key indicator of one's connection to this broader concept of eros.

"look eroticism as in aliveness vibrancy vitality is an antidote to death or deadness on the flip side of feeling alive is feeling dead deadened flat muted numb dull those are the words that accompany it a life doesn't mean excited life means feeling in touch with life with its vibrancy that's why i say it's very important to understand that you can feel very alive in the midst of grief but you're feeling something with an intensity the flip side of that is isolation disconnection numbness and deadness you can live it have it inside of you and you can have it in relationships and you can have it in companies and you can have it in various places that once used to be creative hubs so it is actually a major source of energy and we all know in the body that energy precedes blood flow if you have no energy you have nothing to start with it's true for all kinds of other mechanics as well so when i talk about the erotic i talk about energy it's not a particular situation it's energetic"

Perel elaborates that a lack of this broad eroticism leads to feelings of deadness, numbness, and disconnection, which are the antithesis of feeling alive. She emphasizes that this aliveness is a crucial source of energy, essential for both individual well-being and the vitality of relationships and organizations. Perel clarifies that "energy" is the core concept, not a specific situation, and that this energetic state influences our physical and mental presence.

"i am not someone who's talking about the nervous system is familiar to me but it's not exactly my vocabulary that doesn't mean it's not an essential component but when i talk about co regulation i think of it and i'm going to give you one example that i find very interesting so yesterday i had a couple that is going to be coming onto the podcast soon on where should we begin and at one point the woman gets agitated and upset and he tries to reach out and as he tries to reach out she could say this is really nice to hear this is what i've been waiting to hear but what happens to her is that she says what took you so long now after all this so then he reaches out with his hands and then she gives him the hand but then she takes it back and then she gets upset that she's upset and that he's not able to make her be not upset and then i said here's for me one of the most powerful images of regulation and it comes from watching babies you see a baby in the crib that is standing there and shaking it and saying pick me up pick me up then you pick them up and what is the first thing that they do they arc they arc back you know they have a curve in their back they open their hand their shoulder and slowly you rock them and slowly slowly slowly do they move their body forward and they let it drop onto your chest we see it in kids and we understand it very very well when you are dysregulated you arc and it takes a while till you are able to fold yourself and trust and connect to the source of comfort that is right next to you"

Perel uses the example of a couple to illustrate the complexities of co-regulation, even when comfort is offered. She draws a parallel to how babies arc away before settling into their caregiver's embrace, suggesting that adults also exhibit this pattern when dysregulated. Perel highlights that true co-regulation involves pacing and allowing time for the other person to accept comfort, rather than demanding immediate calm.

"i call often a hostile dependency right i need you for things to be better i need you to change but you're not doing it so i get angry at and the more i get angry at you and the more i need you to be the one to change and the less you change the more angry i become and the more dependent i am on you to actually do the changing so we are in this hostile dependence the more you do this the more i feel that and the more i do that the more you feel this it's a fantastic dance that partners do that is such an incredible term and a hostile dependency it can be true in romantic relationships uh parent child business colleagues because our tendency is to think that the change has to come often from the other side and that the cause of the misery is created by the other side so i need you to do something different and change and that needing you means i depend on you but you're not necessarily responding to my request so i get pissed and the more i get pissed the more i need you once you know the term you're gonna watch it and see it in many places"

Perel introduces the concept of "hostile dependency," describing a dynamic where one person needs another to change but becomes angry when they don't, leading to increased dependence and resentment. She explains that this pattern is common in various relationships, including romantic partnerships, parent-child dynamics, and professional settings. Perel notes that this cycle often arises from the belief that the other person is the sole cause of the problem and must be the one to initiate change.

"i think that us we should not start from the premise that being with people or relationships are painful the pleating you know sucking you dry i think we have to start from the other side otherwise we collude with something societies have had relationships forever yes they're messy they're messy that is true they're not perfect they involve a ton of friction friction is a word that i like a lot especially if i talk about eroticism but they are as important as food and people have the ability of say there is nutritious food delicious food fast food healthy food you know we make distinctions when we say relationships are difficult some relationships are really depleting some relationships are the meaning some some some and some relationships are the complete opposite and i think we have to not use the word relationships we have to be more discerning the same way that we would