Preparing for Death's Realities to Foster Dignity and Compassion

Key Quotes

"The thing I hear a lot is I wish someone had just told me. I wish someone had prepared me for this. What it would be like to see my father die. What it would be like to make this decision for my mother. That it's okay if they're no longer on life support. It's okay if I allow them to pass peacefully without all these resuscitation efforts and pushing on the chest. If I just give them some dignity because amidst all the horror of what dying looks like we can still confer some dignity to dying."

J.S. Park, a hospital chaplain, highlights the common regret of not being prepared for the realities of the dying process. He explains that this lack of preparation often leads to difficult decisions and a feeling of helplessness for families. Park emphasizes that even in the face of death, it is possible to provide dignity and peace to the dying person.

"The shock of dying is made doubly painful when we also see the shock of what dying really looks like. What it does to a body. And so when we get family in the waiting room I'll go to the family and usually what I'll say is your family member will look a little differently than the last time you saw them. They're still attached to some equipment. I just want you to know that they will look different and it's okay if you decide not to see them right now. Are you ready to go?"

J.S. Park describes how the visual and physical changes associated with dying can be a significant shock to families. He explains his practice of preparing families for these changes by offering a "gracious disclaimer" about their loved one's appearance. Park notes that this gentle preparation helps to ease the transition and allows families to approach their dying loved one with more tenderness.

"I think one of the things that families are shocked by is the sound of the breathing and almost sounds like this person is hurting. So when someone is being intubated, when there's surgery, when they're being given medicine, people whether they're aware of it or not, they'll fight a lot of the things that are happening. We try to prepare people for, you know, your loved one is breathing, they can't breathe for themselves, that's why they're intubated, but they may be shivering or shaking and we're giving them medication to help with that."

J.S. Park addresses the alarming sounds of breathing that can occur during the dying process, particularly when medical interventions are involved. He explains that these sounds, often described as labored or like fighting, are a natural bodily response to medical procedures. Park aims to help families understand that these actions are the body's resilient attempt to survive, rather than a sign of direct suffering from the interventions themselves.

"Takeaway three: When it's your time, if you know you're dying, try to allow people to show up for you. You might feel ashamed of how you look, you might not want them to see you like this, but there are people who can hold you while you make this transition. That could be family or friends. And you can also see if your insurance covers hospice care. That'll pull together a team of nurses, doctors, social workers, spiritual advisors and volunteers who can support you."

This takeaway, attributed to J.S. Park, encourages individuals who are dying to accept support from others. Park suggests that despite potential feelings of shame about one's appearance or condition, allowing loved ones to be present can be profoundly comforting. He also highlights the comprehensive support offered by hospice care, which can provide a multidisciplinary team to assist during this transition.

"Takeaway four: We've talked about this one on the show before. When someone is sick or dying, try to lift the burden of everyday decisions. If you want to help, make an offer. Hey, I can bring over food, or come over and read to you, or come to the hospital and tell you about the latest drama at work, or rub your back. You know, think about what skills and resources you have, but also who this person is and what they might appreciate."

J.S. Park advises that when supporting someone who is sick or dying, it is most helpful to offer specific, practical assistance rather than a general "let me know if you need anything." He suggests making concrete offers, such as bringing food or providing companionship, tailored to the individual's preferences and needs. Park emphasizes that thoughtful, personalized offers can significantly reduce the burden on the person who is ill or dying.

"Takeaway five: You might hope that you'll get a final moment to say goodbye to the people you love, but even if someone doesn't die suddenly, even if they're dying slowly at the hospital, it's rare to know that your last conversation with someone is actually your last conversation. So for one thing, tell people how you feel about them now. If there's something you want to work through together, don't wait. Also though, if your loved one is in a hospital bed, sedated, unable to speak, you can still speak kind words to them and hold their hand. We don't know how much they can hear or what they'll understand, but it doesn't hurt."

J.S. Park underscores the rarity of having a definitive "last conversation" with a dying loved one, even in prolonged situations. He encourages proactive expressions of love and the resolution of any outstanding issues. Park also suggests that even if a loved one is unconscious or unable to respond, speaking kind words and offering physical comfort, like holding their hand, can still be meaningful.