Intentional Gathering Design Fosters Deeper Connection and Community

Key Quotes

"Whether I was facilitating dialogues in Charlottesville or Istanbul or Ahmedabad, the challenge was always the same: Despite all odds and with integrity, how do you get people to connect meaningfully, to take risks, to be changed by their experience? And I would witness extraordinarily beautiful electricity in those rooms, and then I would leave those rooms and attend my everyday gatherings, like all of you, a wedding or a conference or a back-to-school picnic, and many would fall flat. There was a meaning gap between these high-intensity conflict groups and my everyday gatherings."

Priya Parker explains that her work in conflict resolution, where deep connection and transformation occurred, contrasted sharply with the often superficial and unfulfilling nature of everyday social gatherings. Parker highlights a "meaning gap" between intentionally structured, high-stakes interactions and casual social events.

"So I began to wonder how we might change our everyday gatherings to focus on making meaning by human connection, not obsessing with the canapés."

Parker articulates a core principle of her approach: shifting the focus of gatherings from superficial details like food and decorations to the deeper purpose of fostering meaningful human connection. She suggests that by prioritizing interaction, gatherings can become more impactful.

"Fortunately, most of us, whether we think about it or not, are gathering all the time anyway. We gather in our classrooms, we gather in our workplaces, remote or in person. We gather to celebrate, to witness people getting married, to mourn, to vote, to dance it all out. And part of what is unique about gathering is that it's something that we've been doing since time immemorial, but so often the ways in which we are gathering are no longer serving us."

Parker emphasizes the pervasive nature of gatherings in daily life, from professional settings to personal celebrations. She points out that while gathering is a fundamental human activity, current practices often fail to meet our needs for connection and meaning.

"And part of the role of a host in modern life is, particularly if you have, if you're creating a sharper gathering, you're creating a gathering that might be a pickleball tournament for people who have never played pickleball before or a like rave, you know, fill in the blank. You need to really actually help people onboard to begin to understand what that is. And a good host, you know, gathering isn't just about connection and love. It is, but it's also about power. It is the radical decision to say, I think a certain group of people should spend their time in a very specific way. Are you on board?"

Parker defines the host's role as one of "generous authority," which involves actively shaping the gathering's purpose and guiding participants. She argues that hosts should embrace their power to create specific experiences, rather than abdicating responsibility and leaving the purpose to chance.

"One of the things that I took away most from your book and and hearing you talk and and doing research about you is this idea that a good gathering is actually, you used the word disputable a lot, that a good gathering is something that someone could disagree with and say, actually, this isn't for me. That like when we go for everyone's going to love it, often no one really loves it, everyone just doesn't have a problem with it."

Parker introduces the concept of a "disputable" gathering, suggesting that events designed to appeal to everyone often end up being bland and unmemorable. She posits that a gathering that is specific enough for some to opt out can be more meaningful for those who choose to participate.

"And part of what she was finding her way to was like a modern ritual and modern life where the people, again, I know I sound like a broken record, you don't live or die or eat or breathe or in the same plot of land your entire life. And so when we actually are de-rooted and lose the rituals from which we came, we need to replace them with something."

Parker discusses the erosion of traditional rituals in modern, mobile societies and the resulting need to create new ones. She suggests that intentional gatherings can serve as a replacement for lost rituals, providing structure and meaning in contemporary life.