Audacity and Authenticity: Reclaiming Life After 40

Deep Dive

Singer Jamelia began by sharing details of her Rastafarian upbringing, describing it as a communal and educational environment filled with music and culture, which she felt provided a strong foundation for her. She identified closely with Rastafarianism, even if not religious, and noted that the practice of "reasoning," or adult conversations, contributed to her developing into a deep thinker and wise beyond her years. This upbringing also armed her with knowledge of Black history, which she contrasted with the limited narrative presented in her English schooling, leading her to correct her teachers on historical inaccuracies.

The discussion then shifted to Jamelia's decision to homeschool her children. She explained that this choice stemmed from a desire to empower her children and ensure they entered the world feeling whole, citing potential disparities and difficulties within the education system, particularly for Black children. She emphasized a focus on understanding each child's unique identity and assisting them in becoming who they want to be, rather than pushing them into activities like sports based on racial stereotypes. Jamelia noted the significant age span of her children, from 25 down to 3, and expressed immense gratitude for the opportunity to parent again, viewing each day as a lottery win and appreciating the close relationships she has with her older daughters, who still want to spend time with her.

Jamelia reflected on her mother's challenging experience as a young mother at 17, raising three children by the age of 25, and acknowledged that while her mother made mistakes, she offered grace. She saw raising her own daughters as an opportunity to provide herself with what she felt was missing in her own upbringing, finding herself reflected in each of her four daughters, who are all distinct individuals. Jamelia also addressed the societal perception of single mothers, noting that some people view them as lacking, but she found strength and freedom in her own single parenthood. She described the profound impact of her husband leaving her while she was three and a half months pregnant, calling it the most violent act she had experienced, and how this event, three years prior, marked the beginning of her current, most empowering chapter.

The conversation delved into the traumatic experience of being abandoned by her husband and others during her pregnancy, which she described as the most violent thing that had happened to her. Jamelia recounted how her daughters witnessed her breakdown, but she now views this as a gift, allowing them to see her resilience and ability to overcome adversity. She admitted to being the person who always helped others, offering support and practical assistance, but found no one rallied around her when she was in need. Jamelia took accountability for not voicing her struggles, acknowledging that others may have assumed she was fine due to her financial stability and large home.

Jamelia shared her belief in a higher power or the universe sending messages, which she began to truly hear around age 50, coinciding with her current happiness. She described herself as a lifelong student, always curious and eager to learn, a trait she also sees in her children, who offer humility and honest feedback. She advocated for encouraging children to express their feelings openly and to identify when they feel uncomfortable, ensuring their feelings are validated and that they learn to be honest about their emotions, contrasting this with her own childhood experiences of being forced to hug uncomfortable relatives. Jamelia stressed the importance of passing on learned wisdom, stating she would experience pain or make mistakes so her daughters would not have to, likening it to a parent warning a child about touching a hot stove.

The discussion then moved to Jamelia's experience of being "weird" or different, noting that her family celebrated her individuality. She described her "weirdness" as more of a mentality and mindset, stating she never subscribed to others' perceptions of her, choosing instead to live her own life authentically. She felt her current life, though perhaps unconventional to others, was a "real life" she was brave enough to pursue. Jamelia identified herself as an "island" within her family at times, but her daughters are also comfortable being seen as "weirdos," and she encourages them to embrace their unique selves.

Jamelia recounted how she was thrust into the music industry at 15, having previously aspired to work in a corner shop. Her cousin introduced her to an A&R representative at Notting Hill Carnival, leading to an immediate record deal. She expressed gratitude for having existed and had a music career during a time when live performances and direct audience feedback were prevalent, lamenting that this is now more difficult for emerging artists. She also mentioned writing a song with Chris Martin, highlighting their shared ethos of spreading love and unity. Jamelia reflected on being vulnerable at 15 and believed someone had to be looking out for her, as she would not have sent her own 15-year-old into such a situation.

She discussed her book, which she did not publish because her life on paper at 30 looked like a tragedy, but she felt fortunate for the life she had built. Jamelia believed that experiencing darkness made her more appreciative of life's beauty and joy, and she did not want her story sensationalized. She found it inspiring that she and others could learn from life's challenges, viewing lessons as blessings. Jamelia detailed the abandonment by her ex-husband, who left without explanation while she was pregnant, and how this mirrored her father's absence in her life, leaving her with unanswered questions. She speculated that she might have been "too much" for him, perhaps too lovely, gorgeous, kind, or sexy to handle.

Jamelia spoke about her past relationships, acknowledging bad luck with men and attributing her choices to a lack of self-confidence, which made her vulnerable to manipulators. She described herself as a "builder," pouring into relationships and helping men improve, only to end up depleted when they left, not realizing she needed reciprocation. She admitted to making herself smaller in her second marriage to avoid making her husband feel inadequate and stated she would have stayed indefinitely if he had not left her. Jamelia emphasized that her current happiness and ability to "begin again" in her 40s, finding a new circle of friends and a new home, are aspects of self-care and self-love that were previously absent.

She asserted that she chose men from a place of lacking confidence and that abusers, narcissists, and cheaters could easily identify her as vulnerable. Jamelia explained that she would hand over her earnings to make her husband feel less small, diminishing her own significance in the process. She recounted how her husband disliked her desire for another baby, only agreeing after she secured a film role, and then left her pregnant, which she viewed as an attempt not just to stop her but to destroy her. During her pregnancy, her husband said and did things that made her feel she might die, and he actively ostracized her from his family, resulting in his mother not speaking to her since.

Jamelia described her daughter Dream's birth as a traumatic experience, involving an emergency C-section where she stopped breathing due to an epidural complication. She noted the statistic that Black women are five times more likely to die in childbirth, a cause she now advocates for, and acknowledged that while this statistic has improved, it remains dire. Her daughters had to care for her upon her return home