Withholding Unnecessary Explanations Conserves Energy and Reduces Anxiety

Key Quotes

"Often in these contexts, we feel the need to explain our various choices. You might mentally prepare explanations of why you are asking visitors to take off their shoes in your mudroom. You might come up with a list of bullet points about why you gave some folks gift cards instead of presents. You tee up arguments about why you are not drinking alcohol or eating the brownies that everyone else is raving about."

Laura explains that during social gatherings, people often feel compelled to justify their decisions, whether it's about household rules, gift-giving, or personal dietary choices. This tendency to over-explain stems from a feeling that one's actions are conspicuous and require defense.

"But if you ponder all the mental energy that you put into your own choices, you can quickly see that there isn't a huge amount left over for anything else. Have you been obsessing over whether your colleague is drinking at the party? Did you notice if Aunt Gertrude ate your cheese dip? Did you demand an explanation from a relative who gave your kids gift cards? My guess is no."

Laura highlights that individuals are generally preoccupied with their own lives and decisions, making it unlikely they are scrutinizing others' actions. She uses rhetorical questions to illustrate how little attention people pay to the minutiae of others' choices, suggesting that our own self-consciousness is often unfounded.

"So, if you tend to explain yourself a lot, try pulling back. Wait to see if someone asks for more detail. If so, you can provide it. If not, maybe just let it be."

Laura advises listeners to reduce their tendency to over-explain their actions and instead wait for inquiries. She suggests that if no one seeks further clarification, it is often acceptable to simply let the matter rest without providing unsolicited explanations.

"I feel like people go through an evolution in their lives. When we are young, we worry that everyone is thinking about what we are doing. At some point, we realize that most people aren't thinking about us all that much. At first, that can be a little alarming, especially if you made any big life choices based on what you thought other people thought was right. But then you realize the fact that no one is thinking about you is absolutely liberating."

Laura describes a developmental shift in self-perception, where individuals move from youthful anxiety about being observed to an adult realization of others' limited attention. She posits that this realization, while initially unsettling, ultimately leads to a sense of freedom.