Meta-Awareness as Protective Buffer Against Reactivity
TL;DR
- Knowing one is aware, rather than just being aware, provides a protective buffer against reactivity, enabling more skillful responses to challenging situations and preserving relational harmony.
- The practice of "keeping calmly knowing change" fosters ease and harmony by embracing impermanence, reducing the tendency to cling to experiences, even positive ones like conversations.
- Awareness acts as an imperturbable foundation, allowing individuals to witness difficult emotions or intrusive thoughts without being consumed by them, offering an escape from psychodrama.
- Skillfully saying "no" without aversion, whether to a child's unsafe behavior or one's own repetitive thought loops, is a crucial component of meditation practice that cultivates clarity and boundaries.
- Pausing and remembering to connect with the present moment, even briefly, allows access to a state of mindful awareness that can inform subsequent actions and interactions more positively.
- The distinction between awareness and its content means that the part of you that knows there is anger is not itself angry, offering a profound insight into the nature of consciousness.
Deep Dive
Bart van Melik's teachings emphasize that true mindfulness involves not just being aware of internal experiences but also recognizing oneself as the aware presence. This meta-awareness acts as a protective buffer, creating space between stimulus and reaction, thereby preventing habitual reactivity, particularly in challenging interpersonal situations. This capacity for self-awareness, cultivated through practice, allows individuals to respond more skillfully and with greater kindness, fostering healthier relationships and reducing regret.
The core implication of this practice is a profound shift in how individuals navigate everyday chaos. By pausing and recognizing their own awareness, people can disengage from reactive patterns like snapping at children or succumbing to intrusive thoughts. This "knowing that you are aware" creates a sense of empowerment and stability, akin to a resting place that is not disturbed by the content of one's thoughts or emotions. This protective quality of awareness allows for a more harmonious engagement with others, as responses become less driven by immediate emotional impulses and more by a conscious choice to connect from a place of presence. Consequently, interactions become smoother, and the likelihood of experiencing guilt or regret over unskillful actions diminishes.
Ultimately, the practice of cultivating awareness, especially the awareness of awareness itself, offers a pathway to greater peace and more effective engagement with life's inevitable challenges. It reframes difficult moments, such as parenting or dealing with intrusive thoughts, not as personal failings but as opportunities to practice skillful response. This leads to a more resilient and compassionate approach to oneself and others, transforming the experience of everyday chaos into a space for growth and deeper connection.
Action Items
- Create "awareness pause" practice: Integrate a 1-minute pause before responding to children to foster mindful interaction.
- Draft "knowing awareness" framework: Define 3 core principles for distinguishing awareness from its content to enhance self-protection.
- Implement "calmly knowing change" meditation: Develop 5 guided sessions focusing on impermanence to reduce attachment and reactivity.
- Audit reactive triggers: Identify 3-5 personal "button-pushing" scenarios with children to practice non-reactive responses.
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View Episode Notes →Key Quotes
"But then I realized that I can also know that I am mindful. So that you realize that you are mindful, that's as if you're shifting from what you're mindful of, but that you actually just notice, oh yeah, I am attending right now. I am present right now. And that kind of feels, and I'll talk about this also in the guided meditations, it feels like a protection."
Bart van Melik explains that awareness is not just about noticing external stimuli or internal sensations, but also about the meta-awareness of being mindful. This self-awareness, he suggests, provides a sense of protection and allows for greater presence.
"And so when I catch myself in these few moments, I'm realizing it's not just for the benefit of my own ease, but I'm also realizing that I'm keeping way more of a harmony and a relationship with him. And actually, he's more willing then to accept my no, for example, because it's not coming from that whiny voice no more, but it's like a clear no, which is I think also an important part of our practice to sometimes learn how to say no to ourselves, to this endless thought loops."
Van Melik illustrates how knowing one is aware, rather than simply being aware, offers a protective buffer in interactions. This awareness allows for a more responsive and less reactive approach, which in turn fosters better relationships and makes boundaries more acceptable.
"The way it, it kind of lands in my mind is that which knows there's anger or frustration is frustration, is not angry or frustrated. That was a huge insight for me, that even the part of me that knows there's breathing happening isn't the breath. The knowing is not what it knows. It's really quite special."
This quote highlights a core insight from van Melik regarding the nature of awareness. He distinguishes between the content of experience (anger, breath) and the awareness that perceives it, emphasizing that awareness itself is not the emotion or sensation it observes.
"I can sum it up in four words for you: keep calmly knowing change. So when you pause and become aware, what really brings a lot of ease and ultimately harmony with this powerful truth of impermanence is to often connect with the flow of change."
Bart van Melik shares a teaching from Venerable Analayo, encapsulating a key meditation practice. This principle, "keep calmly knowing change," suggests that accepting and observing the constant flux of experience leads to ease and harmony, acknowledging the truth of impermanence.
Resources
External Resources
Books
- "The Art of Happiness" by Dalai Lama - Mentioned as Bart van Melik's very first introduction to Buddhism.
People
- Bart van Melik - Meditation and dharma teacher, guest on the show.
- Dan Harris - Host of the 10 happier podcast.
- DJ Cashmere - Executive Producer of the 10 happier podcast.
- Joseph Goldstein - Legendary meditation teacher who invited Bart van Melik to a long retreat.
- Sharon Salzberg - Legendary meditation teacher.
- Chantal - Bart van Melik's wife.
- Thich Nhat Hanh - Mentioned for his quote about arriving home.
- Leslie Booker - Mentioned as someone Bart van Melik shadowed.
- Venerable Analayo - Modern day monk who provided Bart van Melik with the phrase "keep calmly knowing change."
- Gregary Kramer - Inside Dialogue teacher who informed Bart van Melik's teaching.
- Phyllis Hicks - Inside Dialogue teacher who informed Bart van Melik's teaching.
- Lou - Bart van Melik's son.
Organizations & Institutions
- 10 happier podcast - The podcast Bart van Melik is a guest on.
- 10 with Dan Harris - A new app created by Dan Harris featuring guided meditations and Q&A sessions.
- Insight Tradition - The tradition of meditation that Bart van Melik teaches.
- European Media - Where Chantal van Melik's wife works as a freelance photographer.
- Juvenile Detention Center in the South Bronx - Where Bart van Melik first taught meditation to boys.
- Progressive Insurance - Sponsor of the episode.
- Jerry - An insurance assistant app mentioned as a sponsor.
Websites & Online Resources
- dan harris.com - Website to sign up for the 10 with Dan Harris app.
- quince.com/happier - Website for Quince, a clothing brand offering free shipping and 365-day returns.
- betterhelp.com/happier - Website for BetterHelp, an online therapy service offering a discount.
- jerry.ai/livsin - Website for the Jerry app.
Other Resources
- Mindfulness - A concept discussed in relation to meditation practices.
- Dharma - A concept discussed in relation to meditation practices.
- Insight Dialogue - A form of relational meditation taught by Bart van Melik.
- Relational Dharma - A concept discussed in relation to meditation practices.
- Impermanence - A Buddhist concept discussed in relation to meditation.