Let Them Theory: Control Your Response, Not Others - Episode Hero Image

Let Them Theory: Control Your Response, Not Others

The Daily Stoic · · Listen to Original Episode →
Original Title:

TL;DR

  • The "Let Them Theory" emphasizes shifting power from trying to change others to controlling one's own response, preventing emotional reactivity and enabling deliberate choices about engagement and departure.
  • Misinterpreting "Let Them" as enabling disrespect is incorrect; it signifies recognizing unchangeable situations and empowering oneself to choose responses and standards, rather than allowing negative behavior.
  • True self-control involves creating space between emotion and reaction, allowing feelings to rise and fall without immediate action, thereby avoiding regrettable decisions and fostering inner peace.
  • The "Let Them Theory" requires not just acknowledging a situation but also internalizing the "Let Me" component, which involves self-reflection and choosing one's own actions or inactions.
  • Anxiety stems from separation from self, triggered by uncertainty, and can be managed by dropping into the present moment and affirming one's ability to cope, rather than escalating internal "what ifs."
  • Effective parenting involves recognizing that individuals "do well when they can," implying that challenging behavior often indicates missing skills, particularly emotional management, rather than inherent defiance.
  • Focusing on small moments of joy is a critical strategy for combating pervasive "high-functioning depression" and overwhelm, acting as a life jacket to maintain perspective and agency.
  • Cultivating a "poet's eye" to find beauty and wonder amidst chaos is a powerful act of resistance against negativity, preventing external cruelty from corrupting one's own character.

Deep Dive

The "Let Them Theory" offers a framework for navigating challenging interpersonal dynamics and personal struggles by shifting focus from external attempts to change others to internal control over one's own responses. This approach is not about passive acceptance or enabling negative behavior, but rather a strategic redirection of energy towards self-awareness and personal agency, ultimately fostering greater peace and effective action. The implications extend to significant improvements in relationships, parenting, and overall emotional regulation, particularly in a world characterized by stress and division.

The core of the "Let Them Theory" lies in a two-part recognition: first, acknowledging the reality of a situation and how others behave without attempting to control them ("Let them"). This is followed by the critical second step, focusing on oneself ("Let me"). This internal shift allows individuals to recognize their own standards, choose their responses, and control their actions rather than expending energy on unchangeable external factors. A common misconception is that "let them" implies allowing disrespect or harm; in reality, it means acknowledging the situation as it is and understanding that personal power resides in one's own reaction. Furthermore, the theory is incomplete without the "let me" component, which involves self-reflection, emotional management, and deliberate choice in how to proceed. This process helps individuals move from being reactive to emotions to consciously responding, leading to profound impacts on personal peace and relationships.

The practical application of this theory is particularly evident in parenting and managing personal anxiety. In parenting, the "With Them" approach, an extension of the theory, emphasizes collaboration and skill-building rather than imposing parental will. It suggests that challenging behavior in children often stems from a lack of specific skills, such as emotional regulation or impulse control, and that parents can foster growth by asking questions and empowering children to find their own solutions. This contrasts with a controlling approach that can lead to resistance. Similarly, the theory addresses anxiety by reframing it not as fear of external separation, but as "separation from self" -- a state of overthinking and worry that disconnects individuals from their inherent capacity to cope. By acknowledging emotions as normal and choosing to drop into the present moment, individuals can reaffirm their ability to manage challenges, thereby quieting the internal alarm system that fuels anxiety. This mindful presence, even amidst difficult circumstances, is crucial for maintaining emotional regulation and strategic thinking, especially when faced with chronic stress.

The second-order implications of embracing the "Let Them Theory" are systemic and deeply personal. By teaching individuals to focus on their own responses rather than attempting to control others, it cultivates resilience and reduces the emotional toll of conflict and disappointment. This self-mastery, when applied broadly, can lead to more constructive interpersonal dynamics and a greater capacity to navigate a complex world. For parents, it means raising children who are more self-aware and capable of managing their own emotions. For individuals experiencing anxiety or stress, it offers a pathway to greater calm and a more grounded perspective. Ultimately, the theory empowers individuals to find joy and meaning even in challenging times by focusing on controllable internal states and fostering a sense of agency, which is vital for both personal well-being and collective progress.

Action Items

  • Create a framework for identifying and prioritizing "second-order" actions by analyzing 3-5 key insights from the text.
  • Implement a "pause" mechanism in communication: Before responding to emotionally charged situations, take a beat to choose a response, not react.
  • Audit personal "extrapolation" patterns: For 3-5 recurring anxieties, identify and document the chain of "what if" thoughts to break the cycle.
  • Design a system for incorporating small moments of joy into daily routines, focusing on 2-3 specific activities per week.
  • Draft a personal "trap" system to support adherence to 1-2 desired habits, making execution easier when motivation is low.

Related Episodes

Key Quotes

"One of the things I try to do towards the end of the year, it's something my parents taught me, is that as things slow down, you finally can think about things for a minute. I want to pick something or someone to be consciously generous to."

The author, Mel Robbins, introduces a personal end-of-year tradition of conscious generosity, inspired by her parents. This practice involves taking a moment of reflection during a slower period to identify a specific person or cause for targeted giving.

"Rigorous evidence suggests that these donations will save over 300,000 lives and improve the lives of millions more. That's why when I'm thinking about making a charitable donation, I check GiveWell first."

Mel Robbins highlights the effectiveness of GiveWell as a charity evaluator, citing its data-driven approach. She emphasizes that the rigorous evidence of impact, such as saving lives and improving millions more, makes it her primary choice for charitable donations.

"The power that you have is in the second part: 'let me.' Once I recognize this situation, my boss disrespects me, the person that I'm dating is treating me in a way that's unappealing, it's below my standards. Instead of living in a fantasy in my head, I say, 'Let them. Let them behave how they behave, and let me recognize that this is the situation that I'm in.'"

Mel Robbins explains a core tenet of "The Let Them Theory," emphasizing that true power lies not in changing others, but in self-recognition. She illustrates this by stating that when faced with disrespect or undesirable behavior, the focus should shift from "let them" continue their actions to "let me" acknowledge the situation and my own agency.

"The power is in you recognizing what's happening and then reminding yourself that your power is in your response to it. And you get to choose when you're ready to change. You get to choose when you're ready to leave. You get to choose how you're going to respond to this person that may never change."

Mel Robbins clarifies that the "Let Them Theory" centers on personal power derived from acknowledging reality and controlling one's own reactions. She asserts that individuals have the agency to decide when they are ready for change, when to leave a situation, and how to respond to others, regardless of whether those individuals will ever change.

"To me, I don't think any amount of studying this stuff makes you never get triggered, never get upset, never get worried, never get jealous, never get afraid. It's just how far do you let those emotions take you? So like, you can write that angry email, but then the self-control is in not hitting send."

Ryan Holiday addresses the misconception that Stoicism eliminates emotions, explaining that it is about managing their impact. He uses the example of an angry email to illustrate that self-control lies not in suppressing the emotion, but in choosing not to act on it, such as by not sending the email.

"I think about change like going up a big staircase, and you go up and then you hit a level. And when I have those streaks where I'm not good about looking at my phone in bed, or I'm spending too much time looking at my phone at night, or I, you know, maybe don't go to the gym for a week, I'm on a level. But the thing to keep in mind that I think is really important is that you still went up that staircase and you don't lose that gain."

Mel Robbins uses the metaphor of a staircase to describe personal growth and setbacks. She explains that periods of not adhering to goals, like excessive phone use or skipping the gym, are merely "levels" on the staircase, not a complete loss of progress, emphasizing that the gains made are not erased.

"I think increasingly you should do the thing that you enjoy, and then you should focus on skill building in project management and in the skill and communication in terms of being able to stand and talk in front of people because those are things that are going to be a through line through absolutely every career that you have."

Ryan Holiday advises focusing on enjoyable activities and developing transferable skills like project management and communication. He suggests that these skills serve as a consistent foundation across any career path, regardless of the specific field chosen.

"Her research says that 83% of us are in that state right now. If you take that as a medical fact, which I do, and you recognize the research, which I do, that when somebody is in the medical stress state, you're on edge. 'Oh my God, I can't focus. Why am I more, why do I doom scroll more than ever?' When you take that as a fact, what's also true medically speaking is your prefrontal cortex can't work the way it's supposed to."

Mel Robbins references research indicating a high percentage of people are in a chronic stress state, impacting cognitive function. She explains that this medical state, characterized by being on edge and difficulty focusing, impairs the prefrontal cortex, hindering strategic thinking and emotional regulation.

Resources

External Resources

Books

  • "Let Them Theory" by Mel Robbins - Mentioned as a best-selling non-fiction book of 2025 and a significant launch.
  • "The Five Second Rule" by Mel Robbins - Mentioned as a book available at The Painted Porch.
  • "The High Five Habit" by Mel Robbins - Mentioned as a book available at The Painted Porch.
  • "Range" by David Epstein - Mentioned as a highly recommended career advice book discussing the disadvantages of early specialization.
  • "Grit" by Angela Duckworth - Mentioned in the context of discipline and willpower, and the enjoyment of one's work.

Articles & Papers

  • "The Milkshake Study" (Stanford University) - Discussed as research demonstrating how changing mental settings can affect biological responses.

People

  • Mel Robbins - Guest on the podcast, author of "Let Them Theory," "The Five Second Rule," and "The High Five Habit."
  • Ryan - Host of The Daily Stoic podcast, co-author of "Let Them Theory."
  • Dr. Stuart Ablon - Runs an institute at Mass General Brigham Hospital, author of "With Them" (forthcoming), and provided content for the appendix on parenting in "Let Them Theory."
  • Dr. Russell Kennedy - Neuroscientist and medical doctor specializing in anxiety.
  • Dr. Didi Neurokar - Medical doctor, principal investigator for the FDA, and researcher on high-functioning depression.
  • Dr. Alia Crum - Stanford professor whose research focuses on "settings in the mind," including the milkshake study.
  • Marcus Aurelius - Ancient Stoic philosopher, quoted regarding tolerance with others and strictness with oneself.
  • Steve Jobs - Co-founder of Apple, mentioned for his quote about the impact of taking a font class.
  • Oprah Winfrey - Television host, cited as an early inspiration for Mel Robbins.
  • Jack Carr - Author, mentioned as having participated in a live event at The Painted Porch.
  • Matthew McConaughey - Actor and author, mentioned as having participated in a live event at The Painted Porch.
  • Nicole Perez Kruger - Publicist at Align PR, instrumental in arranging Mel Robbins' book signing.

Organizations & Institutions

  • GiveWell - Highly effective charity organization recommended for charitable donations, providing data on effectiveness.
  • Whole Foods Market - Grocery store chain, mentioned for weekly shopping and its hot bar and 365 brand.
  • The Daily Stoic - Podcast and brand, mentioned for its daily meditations and interviews.
  • Mass General Brigham Hospital - Research hospital where Dr. Stuart Ablon runs an institute.
  • Align PR - Public relations firm where Nicole Perez Kruger works.
  • The Painted Porch - Bookstore where Mel Robbins' books are available.
  • Bastrop Opera House - Venue used for a book signing event.
  • New York Times - Publication where "Let Them Theory" is a best-seller.
  • FDA (Food and Drug Administration) - Regulatory agency involved in drug approval, mentioned in relation to Dr. Didi Neurokar's research.
  • Stanford University - Institution where Dr. Alia Crum is a professor.
  • Indiana University Business School - Mentioned as the location for a talk on career discovery.

Websites & Online Resources

  • givewell.org - Website for GiveWell, where research and recommendations can be found.
  • melrobbins.com/parenting - Website address for downloading the parenting appendix from "Let Them Theory."
  • betterhelp.com - Online therapy platform, offering discounts with a specific podcast code.
  • livemomentous.com - Website for Momentous supplements, offering discounts with a promo code.
  • helixsleep.com/stoic - Website for Helix mattresses, offering discounts with a specific show name.
  • monarch.com - Website for Monarch, a personal finance tool, offering discounts with a code.

Other Resources

  • "Let Them" Theory - Core concept discussed, focusing on recognizing situations and choosing one's response.
  • "With Them" - Forthcoming book by Dr. Stuart Ablon, applying "Let Them Theory" to parenting.
  • "Fuck Them" - Phrase mentioned in relation to the "Let Them Theory."
  • Stoicism - Ancient philosophy discussed in relation to managing emotions and self-control.
  • Mock Trial - Activity discovered in law school that aligned with Mel Robbins' strengths.
  • Film Major/Editing Bays - Academic pursuit that resonated with Mel Robbins despite dyslexia.
  • Font Class - Mentioned in relation to Steve Jobs and its impact on Apple.
  • Systems - Concept for the year, focusing on establishing better systems for efficiency and effectiveness.
  • Extrapolation - Concept discussed in relation to anxiety, overthinking future outcomes.
  • Separation Anxiety - Theory proposed by Dr. Russell Kennedy, explaining anxiety as separation from self.
  • Scanxiety - Term used in the cancer community for anxiety related to scan results.
  • Milkshake Study - Research study by Dr. Alia Crum demonstrating the power of mental settings.
  • High Functioning Depression - Term for a state of being able to function outwardly while feeling disconnected and hopeless.
  • Clipboard Mentality - Term used to describe a driven, task-oriented approach to project management.
  • Momentum Coin - Item that inspired a question during the Q&A.
  • Plumcot - A hybrid fruit mentioned as an example of novelty and joy.
  • Postpartum Drug - Mentioned in relation to Dr. Didi Neurokar's research and the FDA.
  • Stress Response - Medical state discussed in relation to the pandemic and its impact on the brain.
  • Breadcrumbs - Metaphor for signs, coincidences, or opportunities picked up along one's path.

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