Difficult Temperaments and Parental Responses Shape Narcissism

Key Quotes

"We're born the sort of the genetic part of personality if you will is called our temperament our temperament temperament our temperament we're born and you're either a crier or not a crier or you're to I can make it ultra simple like you know there's some kids out there who have really difficult temperaments they're born into the world difficult and talk to a parent they they hit they their kids who are difficult to soothe their to to make them stop crying to help them sleep as time goes on they're just difficult kids they don't play as nice they have low frustration tolerance they're difficult with their siblings they're punchy fighty they get to school they can't sit still they're always getting into trouble and none of the adults like them so these kids with these difficult temperaments actually have this relationship with the world that's pretty unpleasant everyone's like sit down stop that don't do that and there's even this vibe these kids get like nobody really wants to spend time with them right because they're like a real handful."

Dr. Durvasula explains that temperament is the biological component of personality, present from birth. She highlights that children born with difficult temperaments often struggle with social interactions and self-regulation, leading to negative experiences with adults and peers. This early difficulty, she suggests, can shape their relationship with the world around them.

"Every narcissistic client I've ever worked with without exception had a difficult temperament as a child so that either they every so often I'd get lucky they we'd phone the parent during therapy and say like we talk about this sometimes they'd ask the parent and the parent would come clean on that and say yeah you know you're a real head you were like because you're siblings right so they'd compare them to siblings some siblings had this great easy temperament it's not quite it's so temperament is that biological part of our personality it's how you might see your personality in either one of your parents or a grandparent or an aunt or uncle you'll say wow I have such a similar personality to them that's the genetic okay and the other all the rest of it is is shaped by the world environment parents society how you were treated and yeah what you're exposed to exactly."

Dr. Durvasula asserts that a difficult childhood temperament is a consistent precursor among narcissistic adults she has treated. She clarifies that while not every child with a difficult temperament becomes narcissistic, this biological predisposition, when combined with environmental factors like parenting and societal influences, can contribute to personality development. She notes that parents sometimes confirm this difficult temperament when asked during therapy.

"I think so I think so I think a couple of things have to happen that kid needs to be met where they're at so let's say you have a boy with a difficult temperament who's just energy and you get them into athletics yes or you get them into something where they're using their hands whatever that might be building things or something like that and you really are with them instead of saying you're being so bad you're so difficult like wow look at that rocky who built or like oh my gosh you ran 10 miles today or you threw the ball or like this is great like let's do it together and they have a parent who wants to maybe do those things with them."

Dr. Durvasula proposes that channeling a child's difficult temperament into constructive activities can foster positive development. She emphasizes the importance of meeting the child "where they're at" and encouraging their energy through pursuits like athletics or building. The key, she explains, is for parents to actively engage with and praise these efforts, reframing the child's intensity as a strength rather than a deficit.

"So every human being has the same sort of essential ingredients that they need in terms of wanting you know a safe base yes a safe place of attachment um a sense of being loved no matter what yeah their behavior could be called out like you know you cannot tear up the living room that behavior is not okay I love you you know I love you whether you get the 13 points or the no points just like you're still grounded but I love you you're still grounded you know I love you you know and so that sort of consistency and safety."

Dr. Durvasula outlines fundamental human needs for healthy development, including a safe base and a sense of unconditional love. She clarifies that this love does not mean excusing negative behavior, but rather separating the behavior from the child's inherent worth. The presenter suggests that consistent safety and the assurance of love, regardless of performance or actions, are crucial for a child's emotional security.

"One thing we're seeing a little bit right now is this problem of children being overvalued for nothing celebrated for just being celebrated for like you're just so great and it's the we you're saying well what should we tell kids if they're not great well great means something right great is excelling so you love a child you cultivate their strengths but the idea being that narcissistic parents are very vulnerable to thinking their kids are great because they have to be they're my kids so they better be great kids so these kids are being told they're all that over and over and over you're all that you're special you shouldn't have to struggle with the slings and arrows of the world."

Dr. Durvasula identifies the issue of overvaluing children for simply existing, rather than for actual achievements. She explains that some parents, driven by their own vulnerabilities, may perceive their children as inherently "great" simply because they are their own. This, she notes, leads to children being excessively praised without cultivating genuine strengths, potentially leaving them unprepared for life's challenges.