Conscious Relationships Require Shadow Vows and Conflict Repair

Key Quotes

"Why do you think we repeat these negative patterns in relationships so frequently you know we have a bad experience in one relationship we look for someone new and then it repeats and then we do it again and again why does that happen for people we're looking for resolution in the back of our minds we might not even be aware of it but we're looking for resolution to that thing that happened or to that story that said you're not lovable or that story that said you have to fight to earn love somewhere in our minds we're looking to prove that story true or we're looking to complete the process and so we look for somebody who matches the template so that we can perhaps do that work and typically it hasn't worked out."

Lewis House explains that people repeat negative relationship patterns because they are unconsciously seeking resolution for past hurts or stories that have shaped their self-perception, such as feeling unlovable. He argues that individuals often seek partners who mirror these past experiences to either prove those negative stories true or to finally complete the emotional process associated with them. This subconscious drive leads to a cycle of repeating unhealthy dynamics.

"What was the best thing you did before getting married the second time that really supported entering the marriage the thing that i love that we did was we created shadow vows shadow vows yeah and those were sort of we also called them ownership vows so we wrote our sacred vows to each other but then we also did ownership vows and so at our wedding we had a different type of wedding where we had everybody actually sat in a circle on the floor only the elders in our community sat on chairs and we had all of these plush rugs everywhere we did a cacao ceremony and a group meditation and then we stood in front of our community and we had spent a month negotiating our shadow vows and essentially we were calling out the parts of ourselves that were not yet healed or the sum of the worst things that we were bringing to the relationship or the ways that we show up in a crappy way with our partner which there are always ways you know and so we did that we wrote it down and we shared it with each other and we also allowed each other to give feedback before we did this oh my gosh and we used that we did that in front of our community we stood and we owned you know holy cow you know i own that i'm going to project my unhealed father wound onto you sometimes you know and i promised that i'm going to always come back to love that's the kind of vows that we said and so it was very vulnerable and intimate but everyone in our community got to witness this is the true shelina and ben these are the things that they're working on we're not painting this perfect picture and then they vowed to hold us through that."

Sheleana Aiyana describes the practice of "shadow vows" as a powerful pre-marital exercise that fosters deep intimacy and accountability. She explains that these vows involve openly acknowledging and owning one's personal flaws, unhealed wounds, and potential negative behaviors that could impact the relationship. By sharing these vulnerabilities with a partner and community, Aiyana highlights the commitment to transparency and mutual support in navigating relationship challenges.

"And then every year what we do is we take our shadow vows and we go through them together and we say oh i think i've actually worked really well on this one maybe we should take this one off the list maybe that one has been completed or maybe we need to add this to the thing you know maybe we need to work on this one and so we actually reassess our vows we sort of use it as like a template to check in do a temperature check that has served us very well and we've guided other couples through that as well."

Sheleana Aiyana details the ongoing practice of reassessing shadow vows annually as a method for relationship maintenance and growth. She explains that this yearly review acts as a "temperature check," allowing couples to acknowledge progress on certain issues, remove completed items, or identify new areas for development. Aiyana emphasizes that this dynamic process provides a structured way to continuously address personal and relational work.

"What do you think are the key distinctions to conscious relationship and a healthy love willingness again you know being willing because we're not going to be perfect and we're going to fall off track and we're going to fall into old patterns but the willingness to repair you know the gottmans they talk about this a lot too repairing is so important being able to take ownership being able to apologize and you know being willing to see our part being willing to see the ways that we are contributing to the breakdown of the relationship and also acknowledging that to our partner you know sort of revealing our vulnerability underneath the defensiveness and that's one of the things that i tell people when they say oh you know you and ben must just i gaze all day and you know have these sacred practices and you know oh sometimes we do that now that we have a daughter we'd never do that right now you know we have a baby but it doesn't really look like that it's really just about being present in each moment and doing your best and doing your best to love your partner as much as you can and remember that they were once a child like we have little photos of each other as children on our altar in our bedroom and that helps and it takes work to come back to that innocence over and over and to me that's what conscious relationship is about."

Sheleana Aiyana identifies "willingness" as a core distinction of conscious relationships, emphasizing the commitment to repair and take ownership even when falling into old patterns. She explains that this involves the willingness to apologize, acknowledge one's contribution to relationship breakdowns, and reveal vulnerability beneath defensiveness. Aiyana clarifies that conscious relationships are not about constant perfection but about being present, doing one's best to love, and remembering the partner's inherent innocence.

"Why do you think so many people are struggling today in relationships is it wounds is it they haven't healed is it they have a bad model of relationships from their parents probably all of it is it the you know social media what do you think is hurting people today in relationships everything you just said social media is a tough one right now we have these human meat markets right where you're supposed to go shopping for a partner and you're grading them based on what their photo looks and so much of this is energetic right and you don't know who this person is i'm the kind of person who i don't care if you're a supermodel unless i can feel you i don't actually even know if you're attractive or not and so for me it's really about that deep spiritual bond we're shopping in these human meat markets for people and it's not working and it can even become addictive and of course you know we don't have many templates for healthy relationship we don't see it much in the media at all it's a lot of chaos and we also many of us don't have elders anymore either we don't have those people who can support us and guide us or who can remind us how to come back to love when we need help in our relationships so so often