Childhood Patterns Drive Adult Relationship Decay Through Contempt, Neglect, Violence

Key Quotes

"Indifference, and contempt, and neglect, and violence are probably the four most important. I'm not talking about big violence. Microaggressions are aplenty."

Esther Perel identifies indifference, contempt, neglect, and violence as the primary factors leading to relationship demise. She clarifies that "violence" here encompasses not only physical harm but also pervasive microaggressions, indicating a broad spectrum of harmful behaviors.

"Indifference, when you start to feel like the other person fundamentally is not really caring about you anymore, or you don't care about them. What they feel, what they think, who they are, what they're about. You just don't care. You've lost interest."

Esther Perel explains that indifference in a relationship signifies a profound lack of care and interest in the other person's inner world. This state is characterized by a feeling that the partner's thoughts, feelings, and overall being no longer matter, leading to a significant emotional disconnect.

"Neglect when people just basically take each other for granted. You know, they take more care of their car than of their partner. Or their dog. Or their dog. Anybody, anything. Their yard. Anything gets attendance."

Esther Perel describes neglect as a pattern of taking one's partner for granted, evidenced by prioritizing the care of external possessions or other entities over the relationship. This highlights a concerning tendency to invest attention and effort into less significant aspects of life while the partnership languishes.

"Contempt, I think, is the top one. Contempt is the killer of them all. Because in, in the contempt, there is a real, there's the degradation of the. It's that that complete this, you're nothing. You're nothing. I can kill you with that one gaze, that one eyebrow that goes up that, who do you think you are? What are? And that's it. You're, you're done. You're done."

Esther Perel asserts that contempt is the most destructive element in relationships, characterized by the utter degradation of the partner. She illustrates that contempt can be conveyed through subtle yet devastating non-verbal cues, such as a look or an eyebrow raise, effectively communicating worthlessness and ending the connection.

"The beauty and the not beauty. We saw the coldness, we saw the lack of intimacy, the intimacy. Yes. And we bring that with us. And we often promise ourselves, I'll never be that one. I'll never be this way. I'll never talk like this. I'll, you know, and we find ourselves often much closer to the apple. And then resenting ourselves."

Esther Perel suggests that individuals often bring patterns learned from their upbringing, both positive and negative, into their romantic relationships. She notes that despite intentions to avoid repeating past relational mistakes, people frequently find themselves mirroring those same behaviors, leading to self-resentment.