In this conversation, Sam Lessin, partner at Slow Ventures and former Facebook VP, reveals Silicon Valley's missing etiquette playbook. He argues that in an increasingly tech-saturated world, mastering social graces is no longer a soft skill but a critical differentiator for building trust and achieving business success. The core thesis is that proper etiquette cultivates a "low heart rate" demeanor, projecting confidence and abundance rather than scarcity and anxiety. This isn't just about avoiding faux pas; it's about strategically signaling competence and trustworthiness. Hidden consequences emerge when founders neglect etiquette: missed opportunities, damaged reputations, and an inability to connect genuinely with partners, investors, and customers. Founders, VCs, and anyone navigating professional relationships should read this to gain a competitive edge by mastering the subtle, yet powerful, art of showing up with grace and confidence, thereby building deeper, more resilient relationships.

Silicon Valley's Etiquette Deficit: The Unseen Advantage of "Showing Up with a Low Heart Rate"

In a landscape saturated with technological advancement and rapid innovation, Silicon Valley has, perhaps inadvertently, cultivated a blind spot. The relentless pursuit of product-market fit and disruptive solutions has often come at the expense of fundamental social graces. This has created a unique opportunity for those who understand that true success hinges not just on what you build, but on how you show up. Sam Lessin, a seasoned investor and former product leader, argues that proper etiquette is no longer a quaint relic of the past but a vital, often overlooked, skill for founders in 2026 and beyond. His unconventional approach, rooted in the idea of "showing up in a room with a low heart rate," aims to equip leaders with the tools to build trust and foster genuine connections in an era where technology is deeply intertwined with society. The obvious answer to success--a brilliant product--is insufficient. What truly differentiates is the ability to navigate social landscapes with confidence and ease, a skill that, when mastered, creates a powerful, enduring advantage.

The Hidden Cost of Abrasiveness: Why Etiquette is Your Competitive Edge

The narrative of the abrasive, singularly focused founder, often celebrated in Silicon Valley lore, is a double-edged sword. While it can signal intense dedication, it frequently masks a deeper deficit: an inability to connect and build trust effectively. Sam Lessin posits that this isn't just a matter of personal style; it has tangible downstream consequences for business growth and partnership. In conversations with Lenny Rachitsky on "Lenny's Podcast: Product | Career | Growth," Lessin unpacks why mastering etiquette is crucial, framing it as a skill for projecting confidence and fostering trust, particularly when asking people to entrust you with their data or their business.

The "Low Heart Rate" Advantage: Abundance Over Scarcity

When founders, especially those early in their careers or at pivotal networking events like the Kleiner Perkins holiday party, feel immense pressure to impress, their "heart rate" can become visibly high. This manifests as an almost frantic, transactional approach, where every interaction is perceived as a singular, make-or-break opportunity. Lessin argues that this scarcity mindset is counterproductive. Instead, he advocates for a "calm of abundance"--a mindset that signals self-confidence and a long-term perspective. This doesn't mean being complacent; it means approaching interactions with the understanding that relationships are built over time, not extracted in a single meeting.

This approach, Lessin notes, is often missing from conventional founder advice. Instead of focusing solely on product, founders are encouraged to cultivate a demeanor that makes others feel comfortable and trusting. This is particularly relevant as technology becomes more central to society, and trust becomes a more valuable, and fragile, commodity. The ability to "show up" with this calm confidence, to mirror expected behaviors, and to make people feel at ease, becomes a powerful tool for building partnerships, securing investment, and fostering team cohesion.

The Unspoken Rules of Engagement: Beyond the Product Pitch

Lessin’s framework for etiquette is not about rigid adherence to obscure rules, but about understanding the underlying principles of respect, consideration, and confidence. He breaks down social interactions into digestible categories, offering actionable advice that can be applied immediately. These aren't just "nice-to-haves"; they are strategic levers that influence perception and build social capital.

For instance, the simple act of being early to a meeting, or offering a sincere apology if late, signals respect for others' time. Repeating a person's name upon introduction, or making sustained eye contact, demonstrates genuine engagement. These seemingly minor gestures create a positive feedback loop, making individuals more approachable and trustworthy. Conversely, flustered arrivals, a lack of eye contact, or an inability to remember names can inadvertently signal disorganization or a lack of genuine interest, undermining even the most brilliant product pitch.

The Downstream Effects of Neglecting Etiquette

The consequences of neglecting etiquette extend far beyond an individual interaction. A founder who consistently exhibits poor social skills may find themselves unintentionally alienating potential investors, partners, or key hires. This can lead to a compounding negative effect: fewer opportunities, a damaged reputation, and a slower growth trajectory.

Lessin highlights how even subtle missteps, like forgetting a partner's name or not introducing them properly, can create awkwardness and signal a lack of social awareness. In the fast-paced world of startups, where trust is paramount, these seemingly small oversights can have significant repercussions. The ability to navigate introductions, engage in meaningful conversation, and handle social situations with grace is not just about being polite; it's about demonstrating a level of social intelligence that directly correlates with business acumen and leadership potential.

Navigating the Social Landscape: Sam Lessin's Etiquette Playbook

Sam Lessin's approach to etiquette is pragmatic and deeply rooted in the realities of professional and social interaction. He emphasizes that the goal is not to become a socialite, but to build trust and project competence through mindful behavior. His advice, often delivered with a touch of humor and self-awareness, focuses on practical application across various scenarios.

Introductions and Entering a Room: The Foundation of Connection

Lessin's foundational advice for introductions and entering any room is simple yet profound: Be early. This isn't about arriving an hour in advance, which can be awkward, but about having a buffer to collect oneself, reducing the "heart rate" that comes with rushing. If lateness is unavoidable, a simple, sincere apology is sufficient. He stresses the importance of a firm handshake, repeating names to aid memory and show engagement, and making eye contact to signal presence and respect.

A particularly insightful tip involves navigating forgotten names. Lessin suggests a subtle technique: "Lenny, please meet my wife, Jessica." If you don't remember Lenny's name, your wife can then prompt, "Hi, I'm Jessica. Remind me your name?" This allows you to re-learn the name without explicit embarrassment. This strategy exemplifies Lessin's philosophy: using social dynamics to gracefully manage potential awkwardness, signaling social intelligence rather than a memory lapse.

He also advises introducing partners and bringing them into conversations, fostering inclusivity. The overarching principle is to make others feel seen and valued, a stark contrast to the transactional, self-centered approach that can sometimes dominate networking environments.

Engaging Conversations: The Art of Give and Take

Lessin frames conversations as a "give and get," akin to a game of ping-pong. The common pitfall for founders, he notes, is launching into a lengthy "startup spiel" without first engaging the other person. Instead, he advocates for asking questions, but with a crucial caveat: avoid an "inquisition." The goal is a balanced exchange, where information flows both ways.

He emphasizes the importance of "leaving them wanting more." This means knowing when to gracefully exit a conversation, rather than monopolizing it. The aim is to leave a positive, intriguing impression, making the other person eager for future interaction. This abundance mindset, he argues, is a powerful antidote to the scarcity mentality often prevalent in high-stakes networking.

A subtle but impactful tip is to "match vocabulary" to the person you are speaking with, meeting them where they are to foster comfort and connection. This doesn't mean adopting slang, but adjusting your communication style to resonate with your audience, signaling empathy and understanding.

Hygiene and Dress: Signaling Respect and Self-Awareness

Lessin addresses hygiene with a straightforward directive: "Don't smell like shit." More subtly, he advises that one's scent should not be noticeable in any direction. This applies universally, regardless of gender.

Regarding dress, his core advice is to dress one level up from the expected norm, but not excessively. Fit, he emphasizes, is paramount over brand or expense. A well-fitting, inexpensive shirt is far superior to a poorly fitting, expensive one. He also points out the classless nature of a startup founder flaunting overt wealth, like a Rolex, at an early-stage meeting. The key is to look put-together and to have made an effort, signaling respect for the occasion and the people involved. When in doubt, he advises simply asking about the dress code, a sign of confidence and humility.

Dining Etiquette: Building Rapport Over the Table

Dining etiquette, Lessin explains, is an opportunity to build rapport and signal consideration. Key advice includes tipping generously and not ordering the most expensive item on the menu, as this can signal insensitivity to cost, even if the other party can afford it. He advocates for letting others set the pace for ordering, matching their level of formality.

When dining with someone who is paying, Lessin suggests always offering to pay or split the bill. While this offer will likely be declined, the gesture itself signifies respect and an egalitarian approach. He also highlights the importance of tipping generously, especially when dining with well-known individuals, as the server's experience can reflect on the guest.

Practical tips like the "B&D trick" (left side for bread, right side for drinks) and remembering that knife blades face inward are mentioned. He stresses that the goal of these practices is not to be memorable for their execution, but to fade into the background, allowing the conversation and connection to take center stage.

Small Talk and Humor: Mastering Social Nuance

Lessin views small talk as a crucial "TCP/IP handshake" or "modem crash" for social interactions, a necessary precursor to deeper conversation. He advocates for having a repertoire of engaging stories and jokes, but with a strong emphasis on appropriateness and context. Humor, he notes, is a powerful tool for demonstrating comfort and mastery of a social situation, but it carries risk. Jokes should be used sparingly, tailored to the audience, and never at the expense of others. Self-deprecating humor is always a safe and effective option.

He also advises on gracefully winding down conversations, recognizing when an interaction has reached its natural conclusion and exiting without making a production of it. This can involve subtly bringing another person into the conversation or simply excusing oneself politely.

Scheduling and Communication: Respecting Time and Clarity

Lessin is famously critical of tools like Calendly, viewing them as potentially disrespectful by shifting the burden of scheduling onto the recipient. He advocates for the less senior or less busy party to offer their availability and adapt to the other's schedule. When using scheduling tools, he stresses providing genuine options and being mindful of time zones and reasonable meeting hours.

In communication, Lessin advises conciseness, proofreading, and avoiding emojis in professional contexts, as they can signal an inappropriate level of familiarity or be misinterpreted. He emphasizes that emails should be clear, to the point, and acknowledge receipt promptly. The order of recipients in an email and the use of CC and BCC lines also carry subtle social language that reflects respect and prioritization.

Meeting Etiquette: Presence and Professionalism

For in-person meetings, Lessin reiterates the importance of arriving 10-15 minutes early, not excessively so. He also advocates for starting with brief small talk to establish rapport before diving into business, signaling a human connection beyond the transactional.

In virtual meetings, the advice is clear: cameras on, appropriate backgrounds, and dressing appropriately. He extends this to ensuring closets are closed and beds are made if visible, signaling a level of personal order and respect for the virtual space. He also stresses the importance of cleaning up after oneself, even in a professional setting, by offering to dispose of coffee cups or other items, a gesture that reflects consideration for hosts and staff.

Exiting and Leaving: The Final Impression

Lessin advises standing when guests leave a table, offering a handshake, and avoiding sitting during this farewell. He emphasizes the importance of sending thank-you notes, even brief ones, to express gratitude for someone's time. When exiting a group, he suggests an "Irish goodbye" can be appropriate in large settings, but in smaller or more formal situations, a polite farewell to the host or key individuals is necessary. The key is to leave gracefully, without drawing undue attention to the departure.

Key Action Items

• Cultivate a "Low Heart Rate" Mindset: Practice approaching networking and meetings with calm confidence, focusing on building relationships rather than immediate transactions. This signals abundance and trustworthiness. (Immediate)
• Master Introduction Dynamics: Make a conscious effort to remember and repeat names. Utilize subtle social cues to gracefully handle forgotten names, ensuring everyone feels acknowledged and respected. (Immediate)
• Prioritize Conversational Balance: Aim for a "give and take" in conversations. Ask questions, but also share insights and know when to gracefully exit, leaving others wanting more. (Immediate)
• Respect Time and Space: Be punctual for meetings. When scheduling, offer your availability or adapt to others' schedules, avoiding the default use of automated scheduling tools unless necessary. (Immediate)
• Signal Respect Through Presentation: Pay attention to personal hygiene and dress. Ensure your appearance is neat, fits well, and is appropriate for the context, signaling self-awareness and respect for the occasion. (Immediate)
• Invest in Relationship Capital: Consistently send brief thank-you notes after significant interactions. This small gesture reinforces connections and builds goodwill over time. (Within 48 hours of significant interactions)
• Develop a Repertoire of Stories: Prepare a few concise, engaging anecdotes or "crowd-pleaser" stories to share during conversations, facilitating smoother transitions and deeper connection. (Ongoing development, aim to have 2-3 ready within the next quarter)
• Observe and Adapt: Pay attention to the social cues and unspoken rules in different environments. Etiquette is context-dependent; learning to read the room is a skill that pays off immensely over time. (Ongoing investment, pays off in 3-6 months)