Humor as a Generative Force for Resilience and Connection

Key Quotes

"in my experience the difference between people with an amazing sense of humor and those without is often just whether they are willing to accept and notice their honest reactions or whether they try their hardest to fit them into a box and that can shift over time i saw that shift with my adult improv students at first when we would do an exercise where they were asked to name seven things in a given category as quickly and creatively as possible many of them would get stuck one guy rick a corporate tax lawyer answered the prompt seven weird types of shoes by saying brown shoes white shoes black shoes gray shoes i'm not going to name all the shoes it was all a lot of boring shoes you get it but then after we practiced celebrating our more bizarre thoughts instead of repressing them rick eventually came up with a list that included things like shoes covered in mud shoes covered in gold shoes covered in the blood of my enemies which is like that's a lot rick actually that's a lot it's really a lot but it's also definitely more interesting and i think that's the point when we turn off our self judgment and we just notice the things that stand out to us or that we think we can surprise ourselves in ways that are hilarious and delightful"

Chris Duffy explains that developing a sense of humor involves accepting and noticing one's genuine reactions rather than suppressing them. He illustrates this with an example of improv students who initially provided mundane answers but later, by embracing their more unusual thoughts, generated creative and humorous responses. Duffy argues that turning off self-judgment allows for surprising and delightful discoveries.

"okay so number one is being present and noticing the absurdity and weirdness of the world around you i think a lot of us walk through the world like half paying attention half on our phone half thinking about where we need to be and if you really want to laugh more if you really want to see the things that are going to make you laugh you have to actually be there and notice them"

Chris Duffy identifies being present and observing the world's absurdity as the first pillar of good humor. He suggests that many people are not fully engaged with their surroundings, often distracted by phones or future thoughts. Duffy emphasizes that to find things that make you laugh, you must actively be present and observant.

"and the second one is being willing to laugh at yourself so as much as you notice the weirdness and absurdity in the outside world also being willing to notice the weirdness and absurdity in yourself and to laugh at it to not feel like you have to be some sort of like perfect flawless um errorless human exemplar and instead be a regular prone sometimes a bit of a disaster human like everyone else"

Chris Duffy presents the second pillar of good humor as the willingness to laugh at oneself. He advises acknowledging and finding humor in one's own eccentricities and imperfections, rather than striving for an unattainable image of flawlessness. Duffy suggests that embracing one's human, sometimes disastrous, nature fosters relatability.

"well the way that you make people like you the way that you make people relate to you the way that you make people want you to succeed and also think that you're competent is by showing them the messy human nature of yourself can you give me an example because as a flawless person i find that very difficult to understand chris what do you mean it's so hard it's so hard because so few of us are like if you were if we were all this wouldn't be true then we would just be like well we are perfect so why would we have a problem yes can't mock myself it's impossible i look in the mirror and i see the a perfection so why would i have a problem you know for the rest of us though what happens is there's a study that a team of psychologists did and they were looking at job applicants and they had um research assistants pretend to be applying for a job and then they had regular people rate them as like do you think we should hire this person how much did you like this person how confident did they seem and what they found is that people who were competent and had the job qualifications were obviously rated more highly okay but the people who were rated the highest were the people who were competent had the right qualifications were good at the job and had just poured a cup of coffee on themselves accidentally"

Chris Duffy argues that showing one's "messy human nature" makes people like you, relate to you, and believe in your competence. He references a study where job applicants who were competent but also spilled coffee on themselves were rated higher than those who were solely competent. Duffy suggests that this relatability, stemming from shared imperfections, fosters connection and likability.

"so the third pillar is is putting yourself out there it's taking social risks and um you know it's certainly possible to laugh and to have a delightful comedic experience all on your own but so much of the way that laughter works is social so much of it is like um it's with another person or with a group of people and so the really important thing here is to take yourself to be willing to be laughed at like we talked about in pillar two and then to to go out and apply that to like put yourself out there to try and actually connect with other people using humor"

Chris Duffy identifies putting oneself out there and taking social risks as the third pillar of good humor. He explains that while laughter can be a solitary experience, it is often a social phenomenon. Duffy emphasizes the importance of being willing to be laughed at and actively using humor to connect with others.

"a good sense of humor is inherently generous generous and i guess i hadn't really thought of it that way i feel like it keeps me going in this day in this crazy world but what do you mean by that a mistake that people make when they think about what having a sense of humor is and i think a lot of people think it's like pay attention to me i'm the center of attention i'm making a joke and you're all laughing and wow that guy's hilarious and i think that like we don't need more of that that's not really what i would consider to be a good sense of humor i think a good sense of humor is when you and the people around you are all laughing and you're having a great time together so like often having a great sense of humor might just mean that you are laughing at and paying attention to the really funny things that the person around you is saying"

Chris Duffy defines a good sense of humor as inherently generous, contrasting it with the misconception that it's about being the center of attention. He explains that true humor involves shared laughter and enjoyment among a group. Duffy highlights that a generous sense of humor often means actively appreciating and laughing at what others say, rather than solely focusing on one's own jokes.

"for me personally one of the like magical parts of of humor and laughter is the way that it can take a tense situation and relieve the tension kind of like wipe it clean and and help you to kind of see things from a fresh in a fresh way the hardest laughs and the ones that like mean the most are when you're in a situation that's really not funny but like oh i feel so good to like puncture