Childhood Trauma's Enduring Impact on Adult Relationships and Belonging

Key Quotes

"My little brother and I grew up destitute. Kevin writes in a public housing project in Sacramento. He goes on to say that life back then was only made bearable by the presence of two boys who lived next door and this is why he's writing. Kevin hasn't seen them in over 30 years but he still hasn't forgotten them."

This passage introduces Kevin's motivation for contacting the podcast, highlighting the profound impact of childhood friendships on his life. The author, Jonathan Goldstein, emphasizes that these friendships were crucial in making a difficult childhood bearable, setting the stage for Kevin's search for these long-lost friends.

"My dad has always been a real imposing frightening figure because he would be everybody in the family if you didn't really obey his commands. I never thought that he was malicious but that he beat us because we we screwed up somehow one way or another. So he would whip us with a metal clothes hanger for example or he would pinch us and when he pinched us it would go through the clothing and would leave like half dollar sized welts of blue and purple and greenish colors."

Kevin describes the severe physical abuse he endured from his father, illustrating the constant fear and trauma that characterized his upbringing. The author, Jonathan Goldstein, relays Kevin's account of his father's violent discipline, including the use of a metal clothes hanger and pinching that left significant bruises.

"My mom just suddenly gathers all of us and she had a paper grocery bag. She just tersely explains to us that two of us, two of the six of us kids will have to return to my dad. She can't take care of all of us. She cannot keep all of us and she said that she wrote six of our names on a piece of paper and she put all of our names in this paper bag and she's going to draw two names and the two names will be two kids that have to return to my dad."

Kevin recounts the devastating moment his mother decided to send some of her children back to live with their abusive father. Jonathan Goldstein details how Kevin's mother used a lottery system with a paper bag to select which two of her six children would be returned, a decision that deeply traumatized Kevin.

"The path that led him to jason and gerald is long and circuitous. Kevin begins the tale back in the third grade sitting in class reading. I was reading a book on the gremlins based on the movie. Yeah the cover was the theatrical poster of the movie and I remember it was during that moment that the teacher just said hey we got to go to the principal's office."

Jonathan Goldstein sets up the narrative by explaining how Kevin's difficult childhood circumstances, including his father's erratic behavior, led to a pivotal moment involving a trip to the principal's office. This event marked the beginning of a significant shift in Kevin's family life, eventually leading him to his friends Jason and Gerald.

"The problem is they were always just jason and gerald from across the way. Kevin doesn't know their last name and their mother's name has also been lost to time and although he does know the brothers went to live with their grandparents I don't even know where the grandparents reside except for one comment that jason made a long time ago where he said that whenever he visits his grandparents they would burn pine cones to keep warm and that's why kevin has come to me with just the names jason and gerald hoping I can help."

Jonathan Goldstein explains the immense difficulty Kevin faces in finding his childhood friends, Jason and Gerald, due to the lack of identifying information. The author highlights that Kevin only remembers their first names and a vague detail about their grandparents, making the search a significant investigative challenge.

"It turns out he was well aware kevin had been looking for him. He'd gotten all those messages left for his wife but he didn't want to revisit that time. In the months to come, Kevin keeps the messenger app on his phone so he and his one Facebook friend can send long messages back and forth and eventually five months later, hey gerald, hey kevin, how you doing."

Jonathan Goldstein reveals that Jason was aware of Kevin's search but initially chose not to reconnect due to the painful memories associated with that period. The author details how Kevin eventually established contact with Gerald, who then facilitated a connection with Jason, leading to a slow but steady re-establishment of communication.