Confronting Grief and Mortality for a More Purposeful Life

Key Quotes

"Depression happened. Being uncertain about what I was here for, what my life was about, what the point of any of this was. That's what happened. I'd been practicing law for almost a decade at legal aid, and for all intents and purposes, it's work that should have brought me profound meaning and purpose in my life, but I still felt really adrift, and it, it worked a real number, I'd say, on my spirit and certainly on my mental health, and I was diagnosed with a clinical depression."

Alua Arthur explains that her transition from law to death doula work was prompted by a period of clinical depression and a profound sense of feeling adrift. This personal crisis led her to question the meaning and purpose of her life, ultimately catalyzing a significant career shift. Arthur highlights that even work perceived as meaningful can leave one feeling unfulfilled if it doesn't align with deeper personal needs.

"A death doula is someone who does all of the holistic, non-medical, non-medical care and support of the dying person and their circle of support through the process. We can also support people when they are healthy in completing some comprehensive end-of-life plans. And so, when I say the dying person, I'm talking about just somebody who has some awareness that death will eventually occur. So, not just to the people that have an illness that is going to end their lives, but rather anybody who has started to think about death in some capacity."

Alua Arthur defines the role of a death doula as providing comprehensive, non-medical support to individuals facing death and their support networks. She clarifies that this support extends beyond those with terminal illnesses to anyone who has begun contemplating their mortality. Arthur emphasizes that death doulas can also assist healthy individuals in planning for end-of-life matters, broadening the scope of their services.

"I'm hardwired for service. I believe, and for me, your needs, but also meet the needs of the people around you. And being in legal aid for as long as I was, I had to learn how to start separating myself from the experience of my clients, which was supportive. So that it's much easier for me to do now. Don't get me wrong, that doesn't mean that I can walk in there cold-hearted, see them as clients, and then walk out and not be changed. I grieve a lot, I cry a lot, I think about Peter all the time. I think about the experience that we had. And yet, I've also learned how to identify my experiences as my own and recognize the things that I'm carrying for other people that don't belong to me to carry."

Alua Arthur explains her capacity to continue in death doula work despite its emotional toll by referencing her innate drive for service and her learned ability to separate her clients' experiences from her own. She acknowledges that she is still deeply affected by the work and grieves, but has developed a skill to distinguish her own emotions from those she carries for others. This distinction allows her to remain effective without becoming overwhelmed by the grief of those she supports.

"For a long time, grief has been relegated to the loss of a person, which is what we mostly think about when we think about grief. And when that happens, when we lose someone we love, someone we're close to, it's not wanted, it's not something we invited or sought. And so, in that way, I think that there is a huge shift that comes that's quite painful and unexpected, sometimes even if the death itself was expected. What comes with it is really, it's really difficult. But we do grieve for all kinds of other things, even when there's a positive change."

Claire Bidwell Smith asserts that grief is often narrowly defined as the emotional response to the loss of a person, a situation that is inherently unwanted and difficult. She points out that even positive life changes, such as moving or starting a new job, can also evoke grief due to the inherent letting go involved. Smith broadens the understanding of grief beyond personal bereavement to encompass the emotional responses to any significant change.

"I think we've finally really started to recognize that kind of grief. We've been talking about it more and more. I think we began to talk about grief in new ways during the pandemic, but as we hit this four-year anniversary of it, I think that there's vestiges of it that we're not even recognizing still that remain. But what's interesting to me is that the way you kind of phrase that about like, kind of life as we knew it, you know, disappeared, but that happens too when we lose someone we love."

Claire Bidwell Smith suggests that the pandemic has brought a broader societal recognition of grief, extending beyond personal loss to encompass collective experiences of change and disruption. She notes that while discussions around grief evolved during the pandemic, its lingering effects are still being processed. Smith draws a parallel between the loss of a familiar way of life during the pandemic and the profound shifts experienced when losing a loved one.

"Instead, microjoys really came to be about honing the ability to find joy in spite of everything else. The sort of foundation of microjoys is about holding, learning to hold joy in one hand and grief in the other at any particular moment. And so, as I started to slowly tell memories, very publicly or share memories about my nephew online, I realized that they brought me joy. You know, I would smile, I would think about this kid with these huge eyes, you know, in kindergarten graduation, in this big white robe that was way too big, and these things brought me moments of happiness and glimpses of joy."

Cyndie Spiegel explains that her concept of "microjoys" is not about small, everyday pleasures, but rather the capacity to experience joy even amidst profound sorrow. She illustrates this by describing how sharing memories of her murdered nephew brought her moments of happiness and joy, despite her deep grief. Spiegel emphasizes that microjoys are about holding both joy and grief simultaneously, rather than seeking to escape difficult emotions.

"Instead, microjoys really came to be about honing the ability to find joy in spite of everything else. The sort of foundation of microjoys is about holding, learning to hold joy in one hand and grief in the other at any particular moment. And so, as I started to slowly tell memories, very publicly or share memories about my nephew online, I realized that they brought me joy. You know, I would smile, I would think about this kid with these huge eyes, you know, in kindergarten graduation, in this big white robe that was way too big, and these things brought me moments of happiness and glimpses of joy."

Cyndie Spiegel explains that her concept of "microjoys" is not about small, everyday pleasures, but rather the capacity to experience joy even amidst profound sorrow. She illustrates this by describing how sharing memories of her murdered nephew brought her moments of happiness and joy, despite her deep grief. Spiegel emphasizes that microjoys are about holding both joy and