Unlearning Silence: Cultivating Voice for Individual and Systemic Well-being

Key Quotes

"The silence I'm talking about unlearning is when there's not enough room in the conversation in the relationship for your needs for your thoughts your preferences because it seems like it always has to be the other person's way in order to stay in the relationship stay in the marriage stay at the table."

Elaine Lin Hering explains that the silence she addresses is not a chosen quietude but a lack of space for one's own needs and thoughts within a relationship or conversation. This occurs when maintaining harmony or staying involved requires suppressing one's own perspective to always accommodate the other person's viewpoint.

"Staying silent has real health impacts right this epidemic of loneliness of having your alert system on chronic high alert because you have to edit out parts of yourselves in order to be accepted it is fundamentally about do we get to live freely do we get to say what we think do we get to feel what we feel or do we have to show up as versions of ourselves that people expect rather than who we are."

Elaine Lin Hering highlights the significant health consequences of prolonged silence and self-editing. She connects this to increased loneliness and a state of constant vigilance, suggesting that suppressing one's true self for acceptance prevents individuals from living freely and authentically.

"The stakes in our relationship are i may be married to you but i may never know you and if i never know you how could i really love you in an organization it is collaboration innovation retention engagement all of these things that really impact the bottom line but it is this unspoken force that we're not solving for because the problem has been presented as well you don't feel heard well just speak up more have more courage be more confident versus what silence might be in this ecosystem and how might we each be contributing to it not because we're bad people but because we're human and we butt up against each other."

Elaine Lin Hering discusses the broad implications of silence, extending beyond personal well-being to relationships and organizational success. She argues that a lack of authentic communication prevents true intimacy and hinders crucial business outcomes like innovation and retention, often by misdiagnosing the problem as a lack of individual courage rather than a systemic issue.

"The difference between silence that is additive or oppressive is agency so the silence i'm talking about unlearning is when there's not enough room in the conversation in the relationship for your needs for your thoughts your preferences because it seems like it always has to be the other person's way in order to stay in the relationship stay in the marriage stay at the table."

Elaine Lin Hering distinguishes between beneficial silence and oppressive silence by the presence or absence of agency. She defines the silence she advocates for unlearning as a situation where one's own needs and thoughts are consistently sidelined to maintain relationships, indicating a lack of personal control.

"Amy Edmondson's voice silence calculation makes the observation that part of why that calculation is tricky is because the costs of speaking up are usually incurred by me and the benefits of speaking up are reaped by the group or by everyone the costs to me are pretty guaranteed i feel the palms the sweat in my palms right now i feel my heartbeat going faster and the benefits of speaking up are not necessarily guaranteed in fact i could incur more costs."

Elaine Lin Hering explains Amy Edmondson's concept of the "voice silence calculation," noting that individuals often overestimate the immediate personal costs of speaking up while underestimating the long-term consequences of remaining silent. She points out that the benefits of speaking up are frequently shared by a group, while the immediate discomfort is borne solely by the individual.

"The other lever that we have in our relationships to increase the likelihood that people give us the tough love or the candid feedback is to change the calculation for them if i knew that when i spoke up you would hear me it would be well received you might even appreciate me or reward me how much more likely then would i be to speak up and i'd argue that we each have the power to change the calculation for each other by changing the way we show up right choosing not to be defensive in the moment to actively invite the feedback to say also here's the way that you can get through to me best."

Elaine Lin Hering suggests that individuals can encourage others to provide candid feedback by altering the perceived cost-benefit analysis for the feedback-giver. She proposes that by demonstrating receptiveness, avoiding defensiveness, and clearly communicating how one best receives feedback, individuals can make it more likely for others to offer honest input.