Skillfully Navigating Anxiety Through Acknowledgment and Community

This conversation with Bart van Melik, a seasoned Dharma teacher and self-proclaimed "worry warrior," offers a profound reframe on how we engage with everyday anxiety. Instead of seeking to eliminate worry, van Melik suggests a path of skillful engagement, revealing that the aversion to our own anxious thoughts can be a greater obstacle than the thoughts themselves. The core implication is that true relief comes not from suppressing worry, but from developing a more intimate, curious, and even compassionate relationship with it. This offers a significant advantage to anyone feeling trapped by a mind that constantly spins worst-case scenarios, providing practical tools to transform the experience of anxiety from a paralyzing force into a signal that can be understood and worked with. Those who struggle with the constant hum of "what if" will find a roadmap to greater presence and self-acceptance.

The Hidden Cost of Seeking Solace

The immediate impulse when a worry spiral begins, particularly at 4 AM when sleep is desperately needed, is to make the unpleasant feeling disappear. Bart van Melik highlights this as a fundamental misunderstanding of the practice. The common tools, like mindful breathing, can falter precisely because they are often employed with the underlying intention of escaping the worry, rather than engaging with it. This creates a subtle but powerful aversion to the very thing we’re trying to manage. Van Melik points out that this aversion, this "hatred towards my worrying," can be more potent than the initial anxiety. The consequence of this approach is a perpetual cycle: worry arises, we fight it, the fight itself becomes a new source of distress, and the original worry is compounded. This reveals a critical flaw in conventional coping mechanisms: they often address the symptom (worry) by exacerbating a deeper issue (aversion and resistance).

"And you know the reason why it doesn't work? It's because deep down I want the shitty feeling to go away. I don't want to keep thinking about this stuff."

-- Bart van Melik

The downstream effect of this resistance is a missed opportunity for genuine insight. By pushing away the worry, we prevent ourselves from seeing what it is that "wants to be seen." Van Melik’s practice phrase, "This wants to be seen right now," shifts the focus from eradication to observation. This simple reorientation can create the necessary space to acknowledge the feeling without immediate judgment or the need to fix it. The advantage here is profound: instead of expending energy fighting an internal battle, we can begin to understand the nature of our own minds. This understanding, cultivated over time, leads to a more resilient and less reactive relationship with anxiety, a competitive advantage in a world that often rewards outward composure over inner turmoil.

The Delusion of Certainty and the Slippery Nature of Confusion

The conversation frequently circles back to the challenge of recognizing worry for what it is. When caught in the throes of an anxious thought spiral, the mind’s narrative often feels like absolute reality. This is where the Buddhist concept of delusion, one of the "three root poisons," becomes particularly relevant. As van Melik notes, and is echoed by the analogy of delusion feeling like "the truth," the most insidious aspect of delusion is its convincing nature. We don’t recognize it as delusion; we mistake it for objective fact. This creates a significant downstream effect: decisions are made, actions are taken, and emotional states are reinforced based on a distorted perception of reality.

"And delusion feels like the truth."

-- Bart van Melik (paraphrasing Matthew Brensilver)

The consequence of clinging to these "truths" is a deepening of the anxious state. Van Melik introduces the question, "What is this?" as a low-barrier entry point to awareness. This question, he explains, doesn't demand an immediate answer but rather cultivates curiosity. The act of asking, of pausing to inquire, disrupts the automatic identification with the anxious narrative. Even if the answer isn't immediately apparent, the practice of not knowing, of recognizing confusion as confusion, is itself a powerful insight. This is where conventional wisdom often fails; it encourages certainty and quick answers. However, the reality of anxiety is often messy and uncertain. By embracing the "what is this?" and the subsequent "this is what not knowing feels like," practitioners can begin to loosen their grip on opinion and certainty, which are forms of clinging. This creates a subtle but powerful advantage: the ability to tolerate ambiguity and uncertainty without spiraling into panic, a skill that pays dividends in all areas of life.

Community as the Antidote to Isolation

A recurring and powerful theme throughout the discussion is the indispensable role of community, or "sangha," in working with anxiety and fear. Van Melik emphasizes that while individual practices like meditation are crucial, they are most potent when supported by connection with others. The isolation that often accompanies anxiety can convince individuals that they must manage their struggles alone, a belief that is both detrimental and untrue. The consequence of this isolation is a reinforcement of the anxious narrative, as there is no external perspective to challenge its perceived reality.

"If you really want to have a more wiser, kinder view on life, it only takes two things: the voice of another and careful attention and mindfulness."

-- Bart van Melik

The advantage of engaging with a community, whether online or in person, is multifaceted. Firstly, it provides a mirror, reflecting back our own experiences and helping us to recognize patterns of worry and delusion more quickly. Sharing fears with others can demystify them, revealing that these struggles are common rather than unique failings. Secondly, community offers a sense of shared humanity and support. Simply sitting in silent presence with others, even virtually, can create a powerful sense of "I'm not doing this alone." This counters the isolating grip of anxiety. The commitment to community, while often harder than a solitary five-minute meditation, yields a far greater long-term payoff. It builds resilience, fosters understanding, and provides an essential counterbalance to the internal narratives that fuel worry. This collective strength is a durable advantage, empowering individuals to hold difficult emotions because they are not facing them in isolation.

Key Action Items

• Immediate Action (Within the week):
  • When a worry spiral begins, pause and acknowledge it with the phrase, "Here you are again."
  • Practice asking yourself, "What is this?" when you notice tension or anxious thoughts. Do not pressure yourself for an answer.
  • Identify one person in your life (friend, family member, colleague) with whom you can share a small, current worry or fear.
• Short-Term Investment (Next 1-3 months):
  • Intentionally practice the phrase, "This wants to be seen right now," when difficult emotions or thoughts arise. Observe what happens without trying to change it.
  • Explore the practice of "What would kindness do right now?" when feeling overwhelmed by anxiety.
  • Seek out a meditation group or community, either online or in-person, and attend at least two sessions to experience the power of shared practice.
• Longer-Term Investment (6-18 months):
  • Deepen your engagement with the concept of "aversion to aversion." Notice when you are fighting your own difficult feelings and explore what happens when you allow yourself to feel that resistance.
  • Regularly engage in conversations about your practice and fears with trusted individuals or within a community setting. This builds a strong foundation for resilience.
  • Explore Buddhist teachings on the "three root poisons" (greed, hatred, delusion) and "clinging" to understand the deeper dynamics of anxious thinking. This pays off in sustained self-awareness.