Rewriting Personal Narratives Fosters Agency and Lasting Change

Key Quotes

"Folks who don't write or don't know any memoirists intimately tend to assume that we're kind of inherent oversharers, right? Or we love attention or we can't wait to tell you all of our secrets. But actually, I think it's usually the opposite. Memoirists are some of the most secretive people I've ever met."

Melissa Febos argues that a common misconception about memoirists is that they are natural oversharers. She explains that, in reality, many memoirists are quite private individuals who use writing as a way to process and reveal parts of themselves that they have previously concealed. This allows them to share deeply without the immediate vulnerability of doing so in person.

"And so writing memoir is kind of the perfect antidote to that lifestyle because you get to tell everyone everything, but you do it totally alone in a room with no one watching you and you can take like 10 years to do it if you want to."

Febos highlights the unique advantage of memoir writing as a controlled environment for self-disclosure. She suggests that the solitary nature of writing allows individuals to express their deepest thoughts and experiences without the pressure of an audience, providing a safe space for exploration and catharsis over an extended period.

"One of your main contentions that comes through in the notes I have in front of me that you and Marissa worked on is that most of our pain as an individual comes from the shitty stories we're telling to ourselves about ourselves."

Dan Harris introduces one of Melissa Febos's central arguments: that personal suffering often stems from negative self-narratives. He frames this as a core idea that Febos has developed through her work and personal experiences, suggesting that the stories we tell ourselves about ourselves significantly impact our emotional well-being.

"I think it's just kind of the way the psyche works, right? Is that as we're living, we're constructing a narrative of our experience, you know, and especially when there's patterns, we make a story out of it and we say, oh, I just can't find the right person in my love life or everybody always takes advantage of me at work and I get totally overworked and burnt out and I get used up, you know, and we sort of cast ourselves in a familiar role and then sort of lacquer over that with future retellings and more and more retellings."

Febos explains the psychological process of narrative construction, suggesting that our minds create stories from our experiences, especially when patterns emerge. She illustrates this with examples of common self-defeating narratives, explaining how we adopt familiar roles and reinforce these stories over time, which can serve a purpose in survival but may not be the most accurate representation of reality.

"And the new story was that I was actually quite codependent. I was sort of capitulating and manipulating people trying to avoid conflict and appear perfect. And it was totally sinking my relationships. And there was good stuff in there too. I was a thoughtful partner. I did work hard. But the sort of toiling at the center of my dynamic was actually preventing real intimacy from happening."

Febos describes the revision of her personal narrative regarding her relationships. She reveals that her previous story, which portrayed her as a great partner, was updated to acknowledge her codependent behaviors, manipulation to avoid conflict, and efforts to appear perfect. Febos explains that this less flattering, but more accurate, revised story highlighted how these actions hindered genuine intimacy.

"I think that's the thing. It's almost like our national ethos in many ways. We want to do things alone. We want to pull ourselves up by our bootstraps and change. I understand it. I relate to that. I was religiously self-sufficient for a really long time. Change, this whole process, admitting that something's wrong, admitting that you need to change, trying and failing. These are incredibly vulnerable experiences, right? I would very, very much like to do them in total privacy and have no one witnessing me making mistakes or admitting to making mistakes or trying and failing or resorting to my old ways and then having to recover."

Febos identifies the societal tendency towards self-reliance as a significant barrier to personal change. She acknowledges the desire to undertake the vulnerable process of admitting fault, attempting change, and experiencing failure in private. However, Febos argues that this solitary approach is ultimately ineffective for deep-seated change.

"I do not run anymore. I don't run at all anymore. And I had to go through a kind of grieving period about that. But also I definitely ran a lifetime's worth by the time I was 40. Like I got my mileage in. And now I do like much more sort of balanced like middle-aged lady things like Pilates and walking briskly uphill and weight training."

Febos discusses her personal journey with exercise, explaining that she stopped running due to a severe spinal injury caused by over-exercising. She describes a grieving process for her previous running habit but emphasizes that she has transitioned to more balanced activities like Pilates and weight training, now focusing on health rather than compulsive behavior.