Mastering Non-Verbal Cues for Authentic Influence and Connection

The School of Greatness · December 29, 2025 · Listen to Original Episode →

Original Title:

TL;DR

Charisma is built on a balanced blend of warmth and competence, as individuals who exhibit only one trait are perceived as cold or not credible, hindering their ability to influence others.
Non-verbal cues, such as eye crinkles in a smile and open palms, signal trustworthiness and competence, influencing how quickly others decide to rely on an individual.
Gestures carry more weight than words; using hand movements effectively enhances fluency, underlines key points, and reduces cognitive load for listeners, making communication more impactful.
Priming others with achievement-oriented words like "win" or "succeed" in communication can double their desire to perform, increase their performance accuracy, and boost their motivation.
Recognizing and labeling "danger zone cues" like lip purses or sudden distancing behavior can help individuals disengage from manipulative interactions and protect their own physiological responses.
Leaders project confidence by taking up space, maintaining a relaxed posture, and using downward vocal inflection, which signals authority and belief in their own message.
Balancing warmth and competence in communication is crucial; excessive warmth without competence can lead to being dismissed, while excessive competence without warmth can appear intimidating.

Deep Dive

The core argument is that authentic communication, driven by understanding and mastering non-verbal cues, is essential for genuine influence and connection, moving beyond mere technical competence. This insight is critical because smart individuals often fail to get their ideas heard not due to a lack of knowledge, but because they neglect the "people smarts" that signal trustworthiness and reliability, ultimately hindering their ability to enroll others in their vision.

The research presented highlights that charisma is a blend of warmth and competence, and that mastering subtle cues--from facial expressions and gestures to vocal tone and spatial awareness--is key to signaling these traits effectively. A significant implication is that these cues are not just for outward performance but also influence our own physiology and confidence. For instance, recognizing social rejection cues can prevent a cascade of stress hormones that impair cognitive function, while labeling them calms the amygdala, allowing for a more controlled response.

Furthermore, the analysis of thousands of Shark Tank pitches reveals that successful entrepreneurs masterfully employ a range of cues to build rapport and trust. This includes appropriate greetings, engaging the senses to spark dopamine, using gestures that clarify rather than confuse, and creating "non-verbal bridges" to safely cross into personal space. Conversely, a failure to signal warmth or competence, as exemplified by Jamie Siminoff's initial pitch for Ring, can lead to a complete loss of credibility, regardless of the underlying brilliance of the idea. This underscores that how an idea is presented is as, if not more, important than the idea itself.

The distinction between genuine charisma and narcissistic manipulation is also crucial. While manipulative individuals may learn charismatic techniques, they often betray themselves through "danger zone cues"--uncontrollable signals like lip purses, sudden distancing, or heightened blink rates--that indicate withholding, dishonesty, or discomfort. True warmth and competence, conversely, are difficult to fake long-term and manifest in congruent verbal and non-verbal expressions.

Ultimately, the research suggests that mastering these communication cues is not about deception, but about gifting others clarity and trust. By understanding and applying these principles, individuals can enhance their influence, build stronger relationships, and achieve greater success by effectively communicating their competence and fostering genuine connection. The implication for professionals is that investing in these "people smarts" is not a soft skill, but a fundamental driver of effectiveness, enabling them to "enroll" others in their ideas and intentions.

Action Items

Audit communication patterns: Analyze 5 recent emails for "warmth" and "competence" word balance, adjusting for optimal impact.
Implement "power pause" technique: Practice pausing mid-sentence before key points in 3 upcoming presentations to increase intrigue and prevent interruptions.
Design team evaluation rubric: Define criteria for assessing both warmth and competence in team interactions to ensure balanced communication.
Track non-verbal cues: Observe and document 5 instances of "danger zone" cues (e.g., lip purse, distancing) in professional interactions to identify potential manipulation.
Practice "humility hands" gesture: Incorporate resting hands on legs or a prop during 3 meetings to project calm, grounded leadership.

Key Quotes

"The research found is that a real smile whether it shows teeth or not the only the biggest difference is it has to reach up here the eyes the upper cheek muscles actually so those eye crinkles yeah yeah I do that a lot though I feel like I squint a lot when I yeah yeah you got a little smizing right so that's actually the only cue we're looking for so it actually does not matter so if you have a profile picture a dating profile picture a LinkedIn profile picture I either want you neutral or with eye crinkles the worst is sort of that in between now I don't mind like a soft up mouth right so you and I both have this on our book covers a soft up mouth but it has to engage those upper cheek muscles"

Vanessa Van Edwards explains that a genuine smile is identified by the engagement of the eye muscles, creating crinkles, rather than the mere upturn of the mouth. This suggests that focusing on authentic emotional expression, particularly around the eyes, is more crucial for conveying trustworthiness than simply displaying teeth.

"What dr Barbara Wild found is that when they showed pictures of people with the fake smile and a real smile the real smile was contagious so when people looked at the real smile they themselves felt happier when they looked at the fake smile they felt no mood change interesting so the reason why that's important is I think that we think about like oh I want to show up I want to be really my most confident self but what we don't realize is that our cues are contagious yes if you show authentic happiness you are more likely to infect happiness"

Van Edwards highlights research indicating that genuine smiles are contagious, positively impacting the mood of observers, while fake smiles do not elicit the same emotional response. This underscores the power of authentic emotional expression in influencing others and emphasizes that our non-verbal cues can spread emotions like happiness.

"So the moment you say in the fmri that's just fear your amygdala stops responding interesting so I think I've had a really hard time finding confidence it's been a long lifetime journey the way that I've sort of backdoored into confidence is control if I can control the cues that are being sent to me if I can control the cues I'm sending to others it's a secret backdoor into confidence"

Van Edwards shares a personal insight that confidence can be achieved through control over social cues, both those received and those sent. This perspective suggests that by understanding and managing non-verbal communication, individuals can gain a sense of control, which in turn fosters confidence.

"The two signals that you want to cue people with as quickly as possible is yes you can trust me and yes you can rely on me the problem is is that most professionals right now are going mute so I don't know if you've noticed this but it feels like in the last five or ten years we've gone towards ambivalence you know we've gone towards I'm not going to show anything I'm going to be as professional and sterile as possible and so we've taken out cues from all these assets and then people have a really hard time trusting us they have a really hard time listening to us"

Van Edwards points out that the two primary signals people seek in interactions are trust and reliability. She observes a trend of professionals becoming overly reserved or "mute," which hinders their ability to convey these essential signals, leading to difficulties in building trust and being heard.

"The best pitchers when they were all the way in the public zone signaled hey sharks no way and they'd walk into the room they'd take their place on the carpet and they'd go good morning sharks or hey Kevin Mark we'd love to have a deal with you they would greet with some kind of hand gesture least successful pitchers walked in with I think they thought they were being humble but it actually reduced trust they hid their hands either in fists behind their backs in their pockets or holding a prop sometimes accidentally they hid their hands and they didn't hand greet that makes it really hard for someone to say I can trust you"

Van Edwards contrasts the behavior of successful and unsuccessful pitchers on Shark Tank, noting that successful pitchers used open hand gestures and greetings upon entering, which conveyed trust. Conversely, less successful pitchers, by hiding their hands, inadvertently signaled a lack of trustworthiness, even if their intention was humility.

"The biggest mistake we make is the question inflection so the question inflection is when we go up at the end of our sentences right it's also called up talk so if I were to but don't do up talk don't do up talk we're going to talk about why so when we use the question inflection it cues the other person's brain to know ah we're being asked a question the problem is is that when we accidentally use the question inflection it makes people question you right they don't trust what you're saying they don't trust what you're saying right"

Van Edwards identifies "up-talk" or question inflection at the end of declarative sentences as a significant mistake that undermines credibility. She explains that this vocal cue signals uncertainty or a question, causing listeners to doubt the speaker's statements and reducing their perceived trustworthiness.

"So first is it is my biggest fear with this book that people do not have the right intentions and my hope is that we can actually use these powers for good and not evil that is the number one thing is you you can if you want to here's the good news there are certain cues that we cannot control and if you have bad intentions they will leak so I call these danger zone cues"

Van Edwards expresses concern that the techniques for enhancing charisma could be misused for manipulation. However, she offers reassurance by explaining that certain "danger zone cues" are difficult to control and tend to "leak" when someone has negative intentions, making them detectable.

"So first the runner's stance second is and this is in the first 10 seconds of the debate they were sitting they were sitting next to each other they were not at a podium no so here's your first snapshot of the debate and you see Kennedy very humility hands relaxed sitting tall and then you see Nixon who's like gripping the chair arm ready to leave and we see these cues and people already made their decision but people who were listening didn't see any of that right they heard the voice interesting"

Van Edwards uses the Nixon-Kennedy presidential debate to illustrate how non-verbal cues can significantly impact perception, even more than spoken words. She highlights Nixon's "runner's stance" and tense posture, which conveyed insecurity, contrasting it with Kennedy's relaxed demeanor and "humility hands," which projected confidence and leadership.

Resources

External Resources

Books

"Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People" by Vanessa Van Edwards - Mentioned as the source of research and cues discussed in the episode.
"How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie - Referenced as a historically powerful book for learning social connection.

Articles & Papers

Study on Charisma, Warmth, and Competence (Princeton University) - Discussed as foundational research showing the importance of balancing warmth and competence for charisma.
Study on Achievement-Oriented Words (Researchers) - Referenced for findings that achievement-oriented words improve performance and motivation.
Study on Doctors' Voice Tone and Malpractice Lawsuits (Researchers) - Cited to demonstrate how vocal cues impact perceptions of competence and trustworthiness.
Research on Gesture (Susan Goldin Meadow) - Mentioned for findings that gestures carry more weight than words and aid cognitive load.

People

Vanessa Van Edwards - Guest and author, discussed for her research on body language and charismatic communication.
Dr. Barbara Wild - Mentioned for research on real vs. fake smiles and their contagious effect.
Matthew Lieberman (UCLA) - Referenced for research on labeling cues to calm the amygdala.
Dr. Susan Fisk (Princeton University) - Cited for foundational research on the blend of warmth and competence in charisma.
Jamie Siminoff - Founder of Ring, discussed as a case study of a brilliant individual whose pitch failed due to poor non-verbal cues.
Dr. Ramani - Therapist and psychologist, mentioned in relation to distinguishing charisma from narcissism.
Lance Armstrong - Discussed as an example of someone exhibiting danger zone cues (lip purse) when asked about doping.
Britney Spears - Mentioned for exhibiting danger zone cues (high blink rate) in an early interview.
Elizabeth Holmes - Discussed for faking a lower voice tone, a cue for competence, which was unnatural and revealed as inauthentic.
Leonardo da Vinci - Mentioned for hiding cues in "The Last Supper" painting to signal Christ's charisma.
Judas - Mentioned in "The Last Supper" painting as exhibiting danger zone cues (clenched fist, distancing).
Barack Obama - Discussed for his use of the thumb pinch gesture and downward vocal inflection to signal competence and authority.
Mr. Wonderful (Kevin O'Leary) - Mentioned for his consistent use of the steeple gesture, a competence cue.
Nixon - Referenced in the context of the 1960 presidential debate, appearing weak due to body language cues (runner's stance).
Kennedy - Referenced in the context of the 1960 presidential debate, appearing presidential and confident due to body language cues (humility hands, relaxed posture).
Martha - Mentioned as a partner who travels frequently.
Jose Pena - Credited for research analyzing Shark Tank pitches.
Lori - Mentioned in relation to Mr. Wonderful products.
Robert - Mentioned in relation to deals with athletes.
Mark Cuban - Mentioned as a Shark Tank investor.

Organizations & Institutions

Feeding America Network - Mentioned as an organization that helps families during the holidays.
Bitdefender - Mentioned as a company that helps protect devices from scams.
LinkedIn - Referenced as a professional network for B2B marketing and decision-makers.
UCLA - Mentioned as the institution where Matthew Lieberman conducted research.
Pro Football Focus (PFF) - Mentioned as a data source for player grading.
US Bank - Mentioned for its Split Mastercard.
Metro - Mentioned for its mobile phone plans.
Quince - Mentioned as a brand offering premium quality clothing and home goods at a lower cost.
Airbnb - Mentioned as a platform for hosting and travel.
Apple Watch - Mentioned as a tool for motivation and habit building.
Range Rover - Mentioned for its Sport model, emphasizing its dynamic personality and luxury features.
Octa - Mentioned as a company that helps secure AI agents' identities.
State Street Investment Management - Mentioned for its MDY ETF.
Capella University - Mentioned for its business programs.

Websites & Online Resources

feedingamerica.org - Website mentioned for donations.
bitdefender.com - Website mentioned for purchasing security software.
linkedin.com/lewis - Website mentioned for LinkedIn ads.
scienceofpeople.com - Website mentioned for Vanessa Van Edwards' research, newsletter, and YouTube channel.
apple.com/applewatchseries11 - Website mentioned for Apple Watch information.
usbank.com/splitcard - Website mentioned for the US Bank Split Card.
quince.com/lewis - Website mentioned for Quince products.
rangerover.com/us/sport - Website mentioned for the Range Rover Sport.

Other Resources

AI Scammers - Mentioned as a growing threat exploiting trust with technology.
B2B Marketing - Discussed in relation to reaching the right professionals on LinkedIn.
Charismatic Communication - The central theme of the episode, focusing on the secret language of charismatic communication.
Confidence - Discussed as a goal achieved through controlling cues.
Dopamine - Referenced as a chemical that sparks motivation and excitement, often triggered by surprise and sensory experiences.
Social Rejection Cues - Discussed as signals like eye rolls, sighs, and distancing behavior that increase field of vision and adrenaline.
Danger Zone Cues - Non-verbal signals that indicate deception or negative intentions, such as lip purses and distancing behavior.
Space Zones (Intimate, Personal, Social, Public) - Discussed in relation to personal boundaries and appropriate distances in communication.
Vocal Power - Mentioned as an important aspect of communication, with vocal fry being a negative cue.
Narcissism - Discussed in contrast to genuine charisma, with danger zone cues being indicators of narcissistic tendencies.
Warmth and Competence - Two key traits identified as essential for charisma.
Achievement-Oriented Words - Words like "win," "succeed," and "master" that can boost performance and motivation.
Priming Words - Words that can unconsciously influence a person's mindset, such as "busy" or "challenge."
Emojis and Exclamation Points - Counted as "warm words" in email communication.
Non-Verbal Bridge - A technique to safely cross into someone's intimate space to build connection.
Vocal Fry - A negative vocal cue characterized by a rattling sound, often caused by tension.
Humility Hands - A relaxed hand posture on the legs, signaling calmness and presence.
Steeple Gesture - A competence cue where fingertips touch, indicating control and contemplation.
Volume Dynamism - The ability to use volume effectively in speech to convey intention and competence.
Power Pause - A pause strategically placed within a sentence to build intrigue before delivering important information.
The Last Supper (Painting) - Analyzed for hidden non-verbal cues signaling charisma and betrayal.
Thumb Pinch Gesture - A subtle thumbs-up gesture used to signal approval or highlight a point.
Downward Vocal Inflection - A vocal cue that signals authority and confidence.
The Runner's Stance - A body posture indicating readiness to flee, perceived as weak in a leadership context.
Taking Up Space - A body language cue associated with confidence and leadership.
Gratitude - Identified as the most powerful word for positive impact, gifting honor and fostering connection.
Integrity - Defined as showing up as oneself, with congruent words, cues, and emotions.