Faith Jenkins: Prioritize Present Reality Over Relationship Potential

In a world often driven by immediate gratification and the allure of seemingly perfect relationships, attorney and author Faith Jenkins offers a profound counter-narrative. Her conversation with Lewis Howes, as explored in "Why You Keep Choosing the Wrong Person (And How to Finally Stop)," reveals a sophisticated understanding of relationship dynamics that prioritizes self-awareness, emotional maturity, and a long-term perspective. The hidden consequences of settling for less, driven by fear or societal pressure, are starkly illuminated. This analysis is crucial for anyone seeking to build not just a relationship, but a life of genuine fulfillment, offering a strategic advantage in navigating the complexities of love and commitment by understanding the deeper patterns at play.

The Unseen Costs of "Good Enough"

The initial attraction to a partner is often a powerful, visceral force, but Faith Jenkins's extensive experience, both in family court and through her own relationship journey, underscores that this initial spark is merely the prelude. The true measure of a relationship's potential, she argues, is revealed not in moments of ease, but in how individuals navigate adversity. This insight is critical because conventional wisdom often encourages compromise and overlooking minor issues in the name of "making it work." However, Jenkins highlights that these seemingly small concessions can compound over time, leading to significant downstream effects.

"The true measure of a person is how you treat them when things aren't going well. Amen. When things are going bad, that's the true measure."

-- Faith Jenkins

This principle extends beyond personal interactions to the very foundation of choosing a partner. Jenkins’s analogy of the orange--squeezing it will always yield orange juice, regardless of external conditions--powerfully illustrates that a person’s core character, their inherent responses to stress and conflict, will inevitably surface. The hidden consequence of ignoring these early indicators, or mistaking them for temporary glitches, is the gradual erosion of a relationship's integrity. Teams that focus solely on the immediate positive--the excitement of a new relationship--without mapping the cascading effects of a partner's inability to handle conflict or their tendency towards dishonesty, are essentially building on unstable ground. This delayed payoff for genuine self-awareness and character assessment creates a significant competitive advantage for those who do.

The Mirage of Potential Over Reality

A recurring theme in Jenkins's advice is the danger of dating or marrying based on potential rather than present reality. This is where the conventional wisdom of "seeing the best in people" can become a detrimental trap. Many individuals, particularly women, are encouraged to invest in a partner's perceived future capabilities, overlooking current shortcomings. Jenkins’s direct experience, both in court and in her personal life, demonstrates that this approach is a form of settling, a gamble on a future that may never materialize.

"You date or marry based on potential, but then you're really settling. Because who you're dating and who you're marrying is who they are. Maybe they grow into something greater based on what they want, but you can't expect them to be on a timeline you want. You are dating their reality. You want to marry their potential. Those two things should be aligned."

-- Faith Jenkins

The consequence of this misalignment is not just disappointment, but a slow build-up of resentment. When a partner consistently fails to meet expectations rooted in perceived potential rather than actual behavior, the relationship becomes a source of ongoing frustration. This creates a feedback loop where unmet expectations fuel discontent, which in turn can lead to emotional distance or outright conflict. The advantage for those who prioritize dating the "reality" of a person--their current actions, their established patterns--is a more stable and authentic foundation. They are not investing in a hypothetical future; they are building with the materials at hand, allowing for organic growth rather than relying on wishful thinking.

The Strategic Value of Deliberate Pace and Preparation

In an era of instant connection and rapid relationship progression, Jenkins advocates for a more deliberate and intentional approach. Her personal decision to marry at 42, after extensive experience with relationships, is not presented as a personal preference but as a strategic choice rooted in self-knowledge. The conventional pressure to marry by a certain age, or to move quickly through relationship milestones, often leads to decisions made under duress rather than clarity.

"Most people don't like conflict, right? Especially men. They want to avoid conflict at all costs. So if they know that something that they're doing is going to cause a huge conflict, most times they're not going to do it. But do they know? Have you communicated it?"

-- Faith Jenkins

The consequence of rushing into commitment is often a failure to uncover critical incompatibilities or unmet expectations. Jenkins emphasizes the importance of pre-engagement and premarital counseling not as a formality, but as a vital tool for de-risking the decision to marry. These conversations, though potentially uncomfortable, serve as a powerful filter, revealing potential friction points before they become entrenched issues. The delayed payoff here is immense: a deeper understanding of a partner's values, life goals, and expectations, which fosters a more resilient and enduring partnership. By contrast, those who bypass these deliberate steps, driven by external pressure or a desire for immediate validation, risk future conflict and regret. This proactive approach to understanding and alignment creates a significant long-term advantage, ensuring that the "team" is built on shared vision and mutual understanding, not on assumptions.

Key Action Items

• Immediate Action (Next 1-3 Months):

  • Self-Assessment of Core Values: Dedicate time to clearly define your non-negotiable values in a partner and relationship. This involves introspection, not just listing desired traits.
  • Pattern Recognition Exercise: Review past relationships (even short ones) and identify recurring patterns in your choices, your partner's behavior, and the outcomes. Be honest about your role.
  • Practice Radical Acceptance: When faced with minor inconveniences or disappointments in current interactions (personal or professional), consciously practice accepting the reality of the situation without immediate judgment or a need to "fix" it.

• Short-Term Investment (Next 3-6 Months):

  • Communicate Expectations Proactively: Initiate conversations about realistic expectations regarding household duties, time commitment, and personal goals with current or potential partners. Do not assume alignment.
  • Observe Behavior Under Stress: Pay close attention to how individuals (including yourself) react to minor setbacks, disagreements, or stressful situations. This reveals character more than words.
  • Engage in "What If" Scenarios: Practice discussing hypothetical future challenges (e.g., job loss, family illness) with a partner to gauge alignment and problem-solving approaches.

• Longer-Term Investment (6-18+ Months):

  • Consider Pre-Engagement Counseling: If in a serious relationship, explore the possibility of pre-engagement counseling to uncover potential blind spots and ensure alignment on fundamental life paths and goals.
  • Commit to Personal Growth: Actively pursue self-improvement in areas like communication, conflict resolution, and emotional regulation, recognizing that a healthy relationship is built by two healthy individuals. This pays off by fostering resilience and a stronger partnership.
  • Prioritize Present Reality Over Potential: When evaluating a partner, focus on their current actions and character rather than their perceived future capabilities. This requires patience but builds a more stable foundation, yielding dividends in long-term relationship health.