Attraction vs. Relationship Value: Navigating Fantasy, Disappointment, and Modern Love

Key Quotes

"women do want those things that they list off when men ask them that question they just want them from the men that they're attracted to they want the men they're attracted to to be kind and to be loving and to be generous and to make them feel safe but it's not like being kind and generous and making women feel safe is going to lead them to feeling attracted to you and that's the part that women leave out and men in their let's say naive but good hearted intention to give women what they want and to be a better mate for them they just totally lose out on"

Orion Taraban explains that while kindness and safety are desired qualities, they are not the primary drivers of attraction. Taraban argues that women want these traits from men they are already attracted to, and that focusing solely on being nice without also cultivating attraction leads to missed opportunities in dating.

"it's better to be attractive like if you want to be good at the game of mating and dating you have an easier time the more attractive that you present yourself you have an easier time you get more opportunities for selection you get more beneficial arrangements in the negotiation process and it's easier to maintain your relationship in the long run against your intersexual competition as well so there's all kinds of privileges and benefits to being attractive and everyone can be more attractive than they currently are"

Taraban asserts that attractiveness is a significant advantage in dating and relationships. He highlights that being more attractive leads to more opportunities, better negotiation outcomes, and greater ease in maintaining a relationship against competition. Taraban suggests that attractiveness is a skill that can be improved by anyone.

"masculine communication is about the conveyance of information using semantic words i know that the message has been received if you can more or less summarize that message back to me it's like i understood the content of what you said transmission complete right feminine communication is very different it's more like emotional resonance and communication has been received when i can succeed in provoking in you a comparable or analogous emotional experience to the one that i went through or i'm currently in"

Taraban differentiates between masculine and feminine communication styles. He describes masculine communication as focused on conveying factual information through words, with understanding confirmed by summarization. Taraban characterizes feminine communication as centered on emotional resonance, where understanding is achieved when the listener experiences a similar emotional state.

"the vast majority of attraction is based on projected fantasy i don't know who you are i just see the outside and i'm going to approach you because i like that outside and my attraction is going to fill in the gaps of my knowledge base with what i want to see there that's why i talk about i mean an episode about how most men blow the first date they blow the first date by talking too much they talk too much out of the misguided desire to prove their value to women they usually do it in a very heavy handed ham fisted way and generally all they do is succeed in disabusing that woman of the fantasy that she had of that man"

Taraban posits that attraction is largely built on a projected fantasy, where individuals fill in the unknowns about another person with their own desires. He explains that men often ruin first dates by talking too much, attempting to prove their value, which inadvertently shatters the woman's idealized perception of them. Taraban emphasizes the importance of not disabusing this initial fantasy too quickly.

"the best you can hope for is to kind of vacillate between the two of them to kind of create a proportion just enough passion or spontaneity and risk to keep the kind of bedroom alive but still maintaining the stability and long term security of the relationship it's very difficult to manage"

Taraban discusses the challenge of balancing passion and stability in long-term relationships. He suggests that the ideal scenario involves alternating between these states, maintaining enough excitement to keep the relationship vibrant while ensuring long-term security. Taraban acknowledges the significant difficulty in managing this balance effectively.