Love and Vulnerability as Core Concerns at Life's End
TL;DR
- Facing death reveals core human concerns: "Am I loved?" and "Have I loved well?", prompting a non-evaluative examination of one's experience rather than a judgment of past actions.
- Cultivating receptivity to love and practicing altruism, even in small acts, can create reciprocal feelings of being loved and enhance one's capacity to receive care.
- Caregivers can build empathetic bridges by first learning to meet their own suffering with kindness, enabling them to authentically connect with and support those they are caring for.
- Vulnerability is a profound human quality that allows for deeper connection to the world's beauty and horror, enabling a more authentic engagement with life and death.
- Surrender in the dying process, distinct from acceptance, involves an expansion into a deeper reality beyond the small self, often occurring after exhaustion from the fight.
- Practicing "dying" daily by consciously meeting endings--meals, conversations, departures--builds habits that inform how one will ultimately meet the final ending of life.
- The fear of non-existence can be met with confidence by recognizing that the ground of all being is absence, from which all form emerges, offering a stable foundation.
Deep Dive
Frank Ostaseki, a pioneer in compassionate end-of-life care, argues that the most profound questions we face at death are not about regrets, but about our capacity for love: "Am I loved?" and "Have I loved well?" This perspective shifts the focus from external judgment to internal experience, suggesting that cultivating receptivity to love and practicing genuine affection are central to a meaningful life, especially as we approach its end. His work emphasizes that working with our own suffering and fear is not about eliminating them, but about developing the capacity to meet them with kindness and presence, a skill honed through intentional practice and deep self-awareness.
Ostaseki's decades of experience reveal that fear, particularly of pain and emotional abandonment, is a primary concern for those facing death. He advocates for managing physical pain with medication as an act of mercy, asserting that it does not necessarily impede presence or communication. The fear of emotional abandonment is countered by the power of simple, empathetic presence, where caregivers and loved ones meet individuals where they are, offering genuine connection rather than advice. This requires caregivers to engage in their own "inner work," acknowledging their own vulnerabilities and fears to build an authentic bridge to those they are serving. He recounts a personal experience of profound love and stability during a medical crisis, highlighting love not as an achievement, but as an innate, reliable quality that can be cultivated and accessed, even in the face of intense fear.
The conversation delves into the profound transformation that can occur during the dying process, suggesting that the letting go of identities and the small self can lead to a state of surrender and a deeper homecoming rather than a fearful void. Ostaseki challenges the notion of a "good death," viewing it as potentially imposing an agenda on a deeply personal and transformative process. Instead, he advocates for embracing the chaotic, often messy nature of dying, trusting that it can lead to a greater wholeness. He emphasizes the importance of practicing with endings in daily life--meals, conversations, relationships--as a way to prepare for the ultimate ending, fostering a more conscious and integrated approach to life and death. Ultimately, Ostaseki suggests that the true "work" of living and dying involves cultivating both wisdom and compassion, allowing for space and kindness towards ourselves and others, and embracing the present moment rather than seeking transcendence or a definitive answer about what lies beyond.
Action Items
- Audit personal "fear of non-existence" response: Identify 3-5 specific instances where this fear manifested and document the resulting emotional and physical reactions.
- Create a "practice of allowing" framework: Define 3-5 daily opportunities to observe and accept endings (meals, conversations, tasks) without resistance.
- Develop a "kindness and presence" practice: Dedicate 10-15 minutes daily to simply be present with oneself and others, observing internal contractions without judgment.
- Measure impact of "practice of allowing": Track instances over 2-4 weeks where accepting endings led to reduced anxiety or increased peace.
- Implement a "vulnerability as strength" exercise: Identify 3-5 personal situations where expressing vulnerability led to deeper connection or self-acceptance.
Key Quotes
"I've failed miserably at being with my own pain and the pain of others I've failed miserably but I've I've learned to come back you know just to come back just begin again yeah that in itself is the kindest most extraordinary of meditation instructions but it's also the way to work with the ways in which we've been abandoned either by ourselves or others."
Frank Ostaseski explains that failure is not an endpoint but an opportunity to begin again. This perspective reframes challenges not as definitive setbacks but as integral parts of a continuous practice, particularly in navigating personal suffering and the abandonment experienced by oneself or others.
"Am I loved? And have I loved well? ... they aren't evaluative they aren't you know did I did I do well did I pass the test but what's my experience you know am I loved how do I how do I even ascertain that you know"
Frank Ostaseski clarifies that the core questions at the end of life are not about judgment or performance. He emphasizes that the focus is on the lived experience of love, both received and given, rather than a self-assessment of success or failure.
"Altruism is the balancing factor for helplessness and I really got it it landed for me and so from that moment I just started practicing altruism with everybody who was taking care of me and not just saying thank you to them but receiving their care and it has something to do with what you were just saying you know this receptivity that we have"
Frank Ostaseski shares a profound realization that altruism can counteract feelings of helplessness. He illustrates how actively practicing altruism, which includes receptivity to care, can transform the experience of being cared for and foster a deeper connection.
"I think learning to touch their own suffering with some degree of kindness getting to know their own the what's difficult for them you know their own losses their own fears etcetera and that enables them to build an empathetic bridge to the person that they're caring for and then that individual feels met you know and their heart opens"
Frank Ostaseski highlights the importance of caregivers understanding their own suffering to effectively connect with others. He explains that by developing kindness towards their own difficulties, caregivers can build an empathetic bridge, allowing those they care for to feel truly seen and understood.
"If we have a heart if we have a human life we should expect that we'll have problems who told us otherwise so meeting this in myself meeting this in other people I think this is the way that you know we begin to understand something about our innate vulnerability you know which of course isn't just weakness you know it's for me one of the most beautiful of our human qualities because it allows the beauty and horror of the world to impress itself on our souls"
Frank Ostaseski suggests that expecting problems is a natural part of having a human life and a heart. He posits that embracing our vulnerability, rather than viewing it as weakness, is a beautiful human quality that allows us to deeply experience the world.
"I'm a little allergic to the idea of a good death to be honest with you that that term worries me because you know it's hard enough to die it's really hard work to die it's the hardest work we may ever do and you know someone else imposing their agenda on how we should do that feels doesn't feel merciful it feels it just makes things harder"
Frank Ostaseski expresses his discomfort with the concept of a "good death," viewing it as potentially imposing an agenda on the difficult and profound work of dying. He believes that such notions can add pressure and judgment to an already challenging process.
"Learn to allow things to be just as they are you know without running in the other direction from them or trying to change you know I'm scared of dying tammy I get scared of those these things that we've been talking about of course I do but it's not the fear isn't the only thing in the room so I I want to practice with what else what else is in the room here besides that fear"
Frank Ostaseski shares his current practice of allowing things to be as they are, even in the face of fear, such as the fear of dying. He emphasizes the importance of recognizing and making space for other elements present in the room alongside fear.
Resources
External Resources
Books
- "The Five Invitations: Discovering What Death Can Teach Us About Living Fully" by Frank Ostaseski - Mentioned as the author's book on compassionate end-of-life care.
People
- Frank Ostaseski - Pioneer in compassionate end-of-life care, respected Buddhist teacher, co-founder of Zen Hospice Project, author.
- Tami - Host of the podcast "Sounds True: Insights at the Edge."
- His Holiness - Mentioned in relation to a teaching on altruism.
- Suzuki Roshi - Mentioned for a story about his experience before dying.
- Sharon Salzberg - Co-facilitator of the "Awareness in Action: The Role of Love" course.
- Elizabeth Kubler Ross - Mentioned for her five stages of grief applied to the dying process.
- Stephen Levine - Mentioned for his quote, "there's no letting go until there's letting in."
- Ram Dass - Mentioned for asking about the experience of a stroke.
- The Buddha - Mentioned in relation to the concept of "two wings" of wisdom and compassion.
Organizations & Institutions
- Zen Hospice Project - Mentioned as America's first Buddhist hospice, co-founded by Frank Ostaseski.
- Meta Institute - Mentioned as an organization established by Frank Ostaseski to train healthcare professionals and caregivers.
- Harvard Medical School - Mentioned as a place where Frank Ostaseski has taught.
- Mayo Clinic - Mentioned as a place where Frank Ostaseski has taught.
- Spirit Rock Meditation Center - Mentioned as the location for the "Year to Live" course.
- Upaya Zen Center - Mentioned as the location for the "Spirit of Service" and "Awareness in Action: The Role of Love" courses.
- Laguna Honda Hospital - Mentioned as a long-term care facility where hospice serves.
Courses & Educational Resources
- Year to Live Course (Spirit Rock Meditation Center) - Mentioned as a course offered by Frank Ostaseski.
- Spirit of Service (Upaya Zen Center) - Mentioned as a course offered at Upaya Zen Center.
- Awareness in Action: The Role of Love (Upaya Zen Center) - Mentioned as a course co-facilitated by Frank Ostaseski and Sharon Salzberg.
Websites & Online Resources
- frankostaseski.com - Mentioned as the website for Frank Ostaseski's events.
- soundstrue.com - Mentioned as the website for Sounds True One membership.
Other Resources
- Sounds True One - Mentioned as a membership community featuring original shows, classes, and more.
- Sounds True: Insights at the Edge - Mentioned as the podcast where the conversation originally aired.